I hear you

[Ashley-Kate]

I wake up and you are there. You are the person that lays beside me at night. You are the one that wakes up with me in the morning, the one that helps me chose which pair of pants suit me more, which shirt makes me look out of proportion. You are the one that says water instead of milk, the one that says, veggy intead of fruit. You are the reason when I shut my eyes at night I am afraid, not of the nightmares but of the possibility that I might not be there to see tomorow. You are the reason that I want to end my life yet you are the reason I live. You are the drive in me that keeps me going yet you are the one thing that is causing my heart to skip beats. I hear you when you tell me i am ugly, when you tell me i am fat and unworthy. I hear you every day when you remind me that the world would be better off without me, yet I still keep going with hope that one day you will leave me alone or I will find the courage to shut you up for good. You are still there though. I hear you but mark my words I will one day hear you no more! I took the time to draw you today you are a bug, an ugly bug with big wings and a little tiny body. You are the devil, you are impure, you are a creature that is poisonning my life and draining me of my strength, a mosquito that sucks out the power of the weakest body. I hear you but that doesn't mean I like you.

So this is to you, ugly little beast. You may have me now but I wll fight you. I will push you out of my life until you hear me more than I can hear you!

 

[Yuray]

Your words are very clear Ashley, and with a glimmer of hope.

Yuray

 

[forgetmenot]

I know you can do it Ashley-Kate and if I were you I would stomp on that bug, getting rid of it for good. Your writing is so clear and I know many can relate to what is being said here. Thank you.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Writing is a tool i have used for many many years to express myself. i found it hard to say it out loud and here people can read it and know what i mean as in the real world writing everything down for people to understand what is going on in my head can get really annoying to some and pretty ridiculous walking around with a note pad.. but i write it is my way of saying help me, because screaming it out is too difficult still because i still live with that little buzzing bug in my head that keeps me in check. The thing is with anorexia i don't think there is really words to describe the experience to people, terrifying and lonely yet at some points energizing and satisfying... the average person can't quite understand how starving ones self can be enjoyable, yet anyone who knows a bit about how the body functions should understand what goes on in your body to cause the satisfaction. many drug addict relapse and have a hard time getting better and never using again, anorexia in so many ways is like a drug, you will always have the memories of the high you felt and part of you will lone for that high even when you feel a bit better. it is not the eating thing that is hard it is for me the letting go of the feeling of happiness, the fake feeling of happiness that my eating disorder has provided me through the years.