I lost it...

[kelsischanging]

I lost it...I had gone five months with out cutting and now just like that it's gone....I was just so depressed-so manic,then back to depressed...I wasn't sleeping my thoughts were scattered I was on the edge of a nervous break down...I just couldn't hang on any long....I wanted to do enough coke to blow my brains out but I felt like cutting was the less of two evils...I don't feel suicidal but I really don't want to live...like I would be fine if a MACK truck hit me or I just want to go to sleep and not wake up...i read somewhere that I was passively suicidal...I'm not sure if that's right or not....I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm like I don't think I should tell him I cut again...I don't want to tell anyone I know that I cut again...not my guidance counselor(who i meet with on tuesday), not my sponser(who i talk to everyday), not my best friend (who i also call every day), and not my therapist who I have been seeing for three years (i see him on friday)...the reason I don't want to tell them is simple....I don't want to disappoint them ...I have two basic fears 1)loosing control and 2)disappointing people...even as I write this I feel like I am disappointing everyone on this website ....Thursday was the first day I cut and now I have been cutting every day....I don't know what to do...I don't have the strength to stop or get rid of all my stuff or tell anyone (except this site)...I don't know how to get any little bit of hope back...I don't know what to do...i really don't...i feel lost
sorry for being so negitive I really don't like to just sit and complain.....but I just don't know how to help myself

 

[David Baxter PhD]

the reason I don't want to tell them is simple....I don't want to disappoint them

First, kels, that is the last thing you should be worrying about when it comes to your therapist(s). They are used to their clients/patients experiencing setbacks - seriously, therapy is vitually NEVER a straight line forward and upward - everyone has steps forward and steps back. You NEED to tell your therapist(s) what happened in order to help them understand what you're struggling with right now so that they can help you through this.

Second, this is one small part of one day in your life. All the progress you made is not "just gone". It's still there. This is just a temporary setback and a clear sign to you that you have more work to do. I think your therapists were aware you weren't ready to leave treatment. That's no disgrace and it's not a failure. It's just a message: You need to go back and do some more work.

 

[Rosa]

kels, I'm sorry to hear of your setback but its ok. Everyone has setbacks. I've gone months without cutting myself only to do it again when things got so out of control but now I know theres help out there for me if I just reach out for it. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system-please use those people to help you thru these difficult times. Don't let a setback turn into a habit again. Like Dr Baxter said, therapy is not all progress going forward.
Take care
Rosa

 

[ThatLady]

Kels, sweetheart, you haven't disappointed anyone. My heart breaks for the pain you're feeling, but the last thing I'm thinking about is disappointment. My thoughts are much more involved with what I might do to help, and how I wish I could just hold you close and let you cry it all out.

Just try really hard to remember that this is just a bump in the road. It doesn't mean the road has ended, just that you must work a little harder to clear the rise so you can see the horizon beyond it. We're all here for you, working with you, and caring about you. If coming here and talking helps, we're here for you!

Biiiiig hugs, Kels. You've got a lot of guts, girl!

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i stayed focuse on one thing you said in the hole letter something many of us seem to say in any probleme that we afce is that by relapsing into old habits it eliminates what good job you did for 5 months how can one day beet 5 months sure you can't regain controle at the moment but talk to your therapist and don'T worry be proud of the time you lasted and use it to make another objective for yourself you are greta to have lasted 5 months there is relapses in many cases but that does not mean you are hopeless it takes time to change your coping strategies be patient sweetie and talk to your therapist tell them averytinthing as david said cause otherwise you won't be able to bring yourself back up.
..
love always
ashley

 

[kelsischanging]

I'm trying, I'm really trying to get things under control....it's an up hill battle and I'm on rollar blades...the good things that I am doing is not keeping this a secret from my support network...well i haven't had the guts to tell my NA sponsor or my therapist but I did tell my psychiatrist and my guidance couselor and my youth pastor...they weren't really disappointed just concerned and wanted to help me....I'm home by myself this weekend b/c my family is going up to the mountains and that worries me :frown:....i keep thinking about all the time I will have....anyway, thanks for all of the advice and kind words it means a lot to me...
kels

 

[Diana]

I'm just going to say what everyone else has said but...
Everything that you've accomplished is not just gone - how could it be gone? Be proud .
Good for you for finding the courage to tell some people.
I sometimes am afraid of dissapointing people too, even on this forum. I think it's a natural reaction. But, why do you think this forum was started in the first place? If the people who participated here wasted their time being dissapointed in everyone I think they would leave.
It sounds to me like you're taking control of your situation. I must congratulate you Good job and keep us posted.

 

[Rosa]

I'm glad to hear your sharing this with others, secrets just make everything worse and besides, it sounds like you have quite a support system so now would be a good time to take advantage of that. Good luck and were here if you need us.
Be well
Rosa