InDenial618
Member
I am so happy I found this board. I am finally starting to feel like I may not be alone. For years I felt worthless and like something was wrong with me. I just wanted to share a little bit of my story for some feedback. I really think my mother has NPD but being in denial for so long and always giving her the benefit of the doubt has made me feel like I am crazy with her constant denial.
About a week ago I finally had a lightbulb moment with something she did and started looking up things on the internet for the first time in my life. I'm 32. My mother has only been quite controlling of me and putting me down, making me feel inferior and I have been terrified of her almost my whole life. Voicing my opionon or sharing how I felt would only get backlash and I was wrong. When I first started dating my husband 6 years ago (we actually knew each other since high school), I was living with my mom, or she was living with me you would say. My father divorced her when I was 16 and she has been quite uncapable of taking care of herself ever since. When hubby and I decided to move in together and buy a house it was just assumed she would live with us because she had no other place to go. She assured us she would not get in our way and would find a job quickly etc. Of course that never happend. She wreaked havoc on our relationship from the time she set foot in the house. The first week my in laws came to visit, I come to find out later all she did was bad mouth me to his mother and father, telling them I was an alcoholic (LOL) I never held down viable employment, although I had just left a job I had for years for a better one, didn't take care of my daughter who was 3 at the time from a previous relationship, that I would suck their son sry and leave him as soon as I got everything I wanted.
She also told them we never let her come out of her room and she was a prisoner in the house, being used to watch my daughter while we worked. She had no problem eating our food or leaching off us for months mind you. When I confronted her about this she denied everything, said I was crazy and his mother is trying to turn me against her. She criticized my cooking in front of his entire family at a dinner I worked really hard to put together and told his mother not to smoke around me because it would make me want a cigarette and she was being rude, when in reality, I chose to quit smoking and told my mother I would no longer buy her cigarettes because she needed to get a job to pay for something that I quit doing to save money. It escalated so out of control that I asked her to leave, actually I didn't ask, I forced her to leave. She ended up leaving the state and moving to live with a friend of hers she had for years (who by the way I heard her saying untrue and horrible things to on a phone conversation in my house)
We didn't speak for over a year, I had her second grandchild during this time. I had felt guilty and sad that my mother could do this and act this way, but still gave her the benefit of the doubt because she kept saying she would NEVER say things like that, why would she?
She loved me SOOOOO much. We started contact again through email, her sneaking her way back in. I eventually felt that it would be nice for her to come back and live in our state so she could see the grandkids and we could start over. She came and moved back in with again, supposedly for a short time, but I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time. Things were great for a few months, but I supposed she wasn't going to bare her claws until she got really comfortable. It all started again. Anytime we got in an argument she would run to my husband and tell him I was drinking or on drugs, imply because I didn't agree with her. The last straw came when she told my husband something unbelivable(who has been the only father my daughter has known since her bio dad was court ordered to stay away from us for being so abusive) They got into an argument about something while I was at work and my husband simply stated "I do the best I can for my wife and kids and you just don't see that" She started laughing and exclaimed "Your kids? She's not yours, her REAL father lives in (other state)" He was so extremely hurt by her comment that he cried about it. That night I told her to leave, again.
While she was living with us I had gotten her a job through my old boss. Months after asking her to leave, my old boss called me and told me my mother was saying horrible things about me, the SAME things she told MIL!!! When I confronted her she said "That's just cause these people know how you are, that's why they say the same things, not because I told them"
I let her back into our lives agian after that, after having our third child. I guess I just kept thinking things would change and she would be the mother I have always wanted. Things just kept getting worse. She would come over to watch the kids and purposely do destructive things like break a favorite dish, slice up the counters without using a cutting board, pretend that when we erer out of town she didn't see the 12 piles of dog feces in the dining room when she was supposed to be taking care of the animals.
There is so much more, but the last straw was after not talking for 2 weeks again, because my inlaws were here and she "can't stand them" for their lying, came when she wrote and email asking if my daughter and son could spend the weekend at her place. I spoke with hubby about it and we agreed it would be ok. It was been getting strained with my children because she recently coached our daughter into lying for her about losing something in our house (my mom losing something, not daughter) But like always, I try to see the good in this woman. Anyways, I called her, we had a pleasent conversation and caught up on the happenings for the past 2 weeks, never mentioning what just happend, as I have learned to just ignore it because she will deny everything. A
fter hanging up the phone rang not even 5 minutes later and it was her. I answered "Hi" This is what I here "Sorry I had to hang up so quick that was (insert my name here) you know I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks so I was SHOCKED she called me. Same old F-ing crap with her Ya know". I said "DO you realize you are talking to me????" She hung up. I called her back confronted her and she denied it, teliing me that That's not how she meant it. I hung up. This is the first time I cried hysterically in a while for something she said or did. The next day she texts me like nothing is wrong. I didn't let this one slide like the rest, I asked her if she was seriously acting like nothing happend after I just caught her about to bad mouth me to someone else. Didn't hear from her until later when she writes me along email telling me which went something like this:
So, you're now mad because I said to someone you don't even know "same old crap?" I spoke to her earlier and hung up quick to take your call. Nothing else was said. Believe it or not, but I would be embarrassed to tell people how you talk to me. That's why it's only "the same old crap." She has adult children too. She also says the same thing about you. Nothing else needs to be said.
When you called yesterday, you acted like nothing happened too. Do you think my feelings weren't hurt by the things you said to me? But it's OK to ignore that? I do because I love you.
I'm looking forward to having the kids this weekend. Remind (my daughter) to bring some movies.
Love,
Mom
Mind you the conversation we just had was completely normal, so I don't even know why she would say that?!?! After this email, I just literally shut down from her. I did not drop off my kids as planned and she didn't even call when we didn't show up, I haven't heard from her since. I blocked her from seeing my wall on facebook, as I haven't decided yet if I should just delete her all together and proceed to go no contact. She keepd posting ridiculous fb statuses about liars, drama queens and two faced people. I'm glad this light bulb went off, for the first time in years I feel I may actually be normal and not the worthless, unappreciative daughter she makes me out to be.
I'm sorry this is so long, it's a vent as well as me wanting to get my story out for some input on if you think this is NPD. Since I just started reading about it I'm still in denial.
Thanks to whoever has read this whole post. It is nice to not feel so alone. I must decide what my next step is as I know she will never face the fact that she has any type of problem, she has been telling me for years that I need a therapist and I am the crazy one :/
Remarkably as I was finishing up writing this I received another email from her, approx, 7 days from the last one, again, pretending like nothing happend - Basically "Just seeing how you are doing" Love Mom. It really soured me reading it.
About a week ago I finally had a lightbulb moment with something she did and started looking up things on the internet for the first time in my life. I'm 32. My mother has only been quite controlling of me and putting me down, making me feel inferior and I have been terrified of her almost my whole life. Voicing my opionon or sharing how I felt would only get backlash and I was wrong. When I first started dating my husband 6 years ago (we actually knew each other since high school), I was living with my mom, or she was living with me you would say. My father divorced her when I was 16 and she has been quite uncapable of taking care of herself ever since. When hubby and I decided to move in together and buy a house it was just assumed she would live with us because she had no other place to go. She assured us she would not get in our way and would find a job quickly etc. Of course that never happend. She wreaked havoc on our relationship from the time she set foot in the house. The first week my in laws came to visit, I come to find out later all she did was bad mouth me to his mother and father, telling them I was an alcoholic (LOL) I never held down viable employment, although I had just left a job I had for years for a better one, didn't take care of my daughter who was 3 at the time from a previous relationship, that I would suck their son sry and leave him as soon as I got everything I wanted.
She also told them we never let her come out of her room and she was a prisoner in the house, being used to watch my daughter while we worked. She had no problem eating our food or leaching off us for months mind you. When I confronted her about this she denied everything, said I was crazy and his mother is trying to turn me against her. She criticized my cooking in front of his entire family at a dinner I worked really hard to put together and told his mother not to smoke around me because it would make me want a cigarette and she was being rude, when in reality, I chose to quit smoking and told my mother I would no longer buy her cigarettes because she needed to get a job to pay for something that I quit doing to save money. It escalated so out of control that I asked her to leave, actually I didn't ask, I forced her to leave. She ended up leaving the state and moving to live with a friend of hers she had for years (who by the way I heard her saying untrue and horrible things to on a phone conversation in my house)
We didn't speak for over a year, I had her second grandchild during this time. I had felt guilty and sad that my mother could do this and act this way, but still gave her the benefit of the doubt because she kept saying she would NEVER say things like that, why would she?
She loved me SOOOOO much. We started contact again through email, her sneaking her way back in. I eventually felt that it would be nice for her to come back and live in our state so she could see the grandkids and we could start over. She came and moved back in with again, supposedly for a short time, but I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time. Things were great for a few months, but I supposed she wasn't going to bare her claws until she got really comfortable. It all started again. Anytime we got in an argument she would run to my husband and tell him I was drinking or on drugs, imply because I didn't agree with her. The last straw came when she told my husband something unbelivable(who has been the only father my daughter has known since her bio dad was court ordered to stay away from us for being so abusive) They got into an argument about something while I was at work and my husband simply stated "I do the best I can for my wife and kids and you just don't see that" She started laughing and exclaimed "Your kids? She's not yours, her REAL father lives in (other state)" He was so extremely hurt by her comment that he cried about it. That night I told her to leave, again.
While she was living with us I had gotten her a job through my old boss. Months after asking her to leave, my old boss called me and told me my mother was saying horrible things about me, the SAME things she told MIL!!! When I confronted her she said "That's just cause these people know how you are, that's why they say the same things, not because I told them"
I let her back into our lives agian after that, after having our third child. I guess I just kept thinking things would change and she would be the mother I have always wanted. Things just kept getting worse. She would come over to watch the kids and purposely do destructive things like break a favorite dish, slice up the counters without using a cutting board, pretend that when we erer out of town she didn't see the 12 piles of dog feces in the dining room when she was supposed to be taking care of the animals.
There is so much more, but the last straw was after not talking for 2 weeks again, because my inlaws were here and she "can't stand them" for their lying, came when she wrote and email asking if my daughter and son could spend the weekend at her place. I spoke with hubby about it and we agreed it would be ok. It was been getting strained with my children because she recently coached our daughter into lying for her about losing something in our house (my mom losing something, not daughter) But like always, I try to see the good in this woman. Anyways, I called her, we had a pleasent conversation and caught up on the happenings for the past 2 weeks, never mentioning what just happend, as I have learned to just ignore it because she will deny everything. A
fter hanging up the phone rang not even 5 minutes later and it was her. I answered "Hi" This is what I here "Sorry I had to hang up so quick that was (insert my name here) you know I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks so I was SHOCKED she called me. Same old F-ing crap with her Ya know". I said "DO you realize you are talking to me????" She hung up. I called her back confronted her and she denied it, teliing me that That's not how she meant it. I hung up. This is the first time I cried hysterically in a while for something she said or did. The next day she texts me like nothing is wrong. I didn't let this one slide like the rest, I asked her if she was seriously acting like nothing happend after I just caught her about to bad mouth me to someone else. Didn't hear from her until later when she writes me along email telling me which went something like this:
So, you're now mad because I said to someone you don't even know "same old crap?" I spoke to her earlier and hung up quick to take your call. Nothing else was said. Believe it or not, but I would be embarrassed to tell people how you talk to me. That's why it's only "the same old crap." She has adult children too. She also says the same thing about you. Nothing else needs to be said.
When you called yesterday, you acted like nothing happened too. Do you think my feelings weren't hurt by the things you said to me? But it's OK to ignore that? I do because I love you.
I'm looking forward to having the kids this weekend. Remind (my daughter) to bring some movies.
Love,
Mom
Mind you the conversation we just had was completely normal, so I don't even know why she would say that?!?! After this email, I just literally shut down from her. I did not drop off my kids as planned and she didn't even call when we didn't show up, I haven't heard from her since. I blocked her from seeing my wall on facebook, as I haven't decided yet if I should just delete her all together and proceed to go no contact. She keepd posting ridiculous fb statuses about liars, drama queens and two faced people. I'm glad this light bulb went off, for the first time in years I feel I may actually be normal and not the worthless, unappreciative daughter she makes me out to be.
I'm sorry this is so long, it's a vent as well as me wanting to get my story out for some input on if you think this is NPD. Since I just started reading about it I'm still in denial.
Thanks to whoever has read this whole post. It is nice to not feel so alone. I must decide what my next step is as I know she will never face the fact that she has any type of problem, she has been telling me for years that I need a therapist and I am the crazy one :/
Remarkably as I was finishing up writing this I received another email from her, approx, 7 days from the last one, again, pretending like nothing happend - Basically "Just seeing how you are doing" Love Mom. It really soured me reading it.
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