I want to hurt him!

[Lonewolf]

Spent 4 days with parents and eldest brother, who abused me for years and I despise for what happened to me and because he has taken 15 years of time I would have been able to have a relationship with my parents! I am also so angry because my parents have bought a puppy and he has been so intimating while I was anywhere near it!!
Is this jealousy or the anger that I think I feel??
I haven't been near my parents for a very long time and my heart sank when I saw them, they look so old and weak!!
I feel so guilty, angry, upset, confused, but I'm so glad I'm home to my safe haven because I almost lost it with him and I could easily have stabbed him without any remorse at all!!! I truly believe I could!!
He may have learning problems, but i swear that he understands and knows exactly what he has done and is doing!!! I waste energy hating him so much, but if i don't feel anger, i would be frightened of him and I am not letting him know I'm scared cos he would just enjoy the power he has held over me and still holds over me!!
I hate him, I hate him!
Why me??
I have always needed my mum, and have always missed her, it hurts all the time!!!
And I want to hurt him!!!
Seriously!!!!
It would be worth it!!!!

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think those are normal thoughts and feelings and as long as you don't act on them or dwell on them and DO process them somehow with a therapist eventually then it's ok and don't worry too much about them. Sorry for what you've gone through.

 

[Lonewolf]

I don't have any therapist or other mental health support disguss and work through all of this, so im afraid im stuck with these nasty emotions that that pervert has left me with, again!!!

Doesn't look likely im going to get any help in the near future, just getting more bitter and twisted!!!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Could you write him a nasty, mean, horrible letter and then burn it? I've done something like that and it helped some. I am concerned that dwelling on this will be harmful to you and cause you ongoing pain. I can relate a lot to having people in my life that I have these bad feelings toward. I think I've dealt with it and then it comes crashing back on me. Sometimes I say inside myself to this person "I will not let you ruin or rule my life right now. GO AWAY." It kind of helps sometimes.

What is going on with the therapy that it's taking so long? Do you know?

 

[Lonewolf]

I was refused any help from the local CMHT and the r*** therapy is still 6 months away because there is a long list I have to climb up!!! I do have a support worker, but I'm still sussing her out because I was moved on from the last one I knew and trusted!! I find the new one slightly intimidating and she makes me very nervous!!!
It seems to me that im being punished over and over, all the time, my whole life!!!

 

[MHealthJo]

It is good that you were able to express some feelings here Lonewolf. Good work.

Proud of you that you gradually get a little more comfortable with knowing that your feelings matter.

And as CD said, letting ourselves know that it's okay to have feelings.... that can help us get more used to what we can do with our feelings.... get more used to trying out ideas of what we can do with them, that we may not have tried before. So good that you are doing that already by talking about them here.

Hang in there... Hope that after a while, maybe you might feel a little more comfort with the new support worker? ... It is hard... Good work for sticking with the processes you are in and getting into position for the services that you can get access to... xx

 

[Darkside]

I don't know if this will work for you but I have felt this way before and when I do I write. I write down every memory of every event in a journal - as much detail as I can muster. When I do this I find that the memories have less power over me.