I'm in a low rut right now

[HotthenCold]

I was feeling great last week for a few days. My bad tattoos weren't bothering me, I wasn't horrendously self conscious, I wasn't angry, I was feeling social, I was taking care of most of my daily chores, I was thinking hopeful thoughts for the future.

Now I'm obsessing over my tattoos, afraid to leave the house, completely unmotivated and bored by everything, and ready to boil over in a fit of rage at the slightest thing.

My car is still having issues after two years of repairs and I can't take it anymore, I obviously need a new one but that is a whole other issue of money and dealing with car dealerships that feels overwhelming.

My job is ok and the people are good, but I don't feel like I'm really "doing" anything with my life.

I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance on many levels with regards to different ways of healing my mental state. What I mean is, I've been exploring some spiritual approaches to my mental health and have been finding it useful some times, and then retreating back in to the internalized shame and guilt society has towards "hippy dippy" new age spirituality stuff like the stuff I've been turning to.

I don't go to the gym as much anymore and feel like I'm losing my physique, which was one of the things I felt good about.

I don't enjoy cooking much anymore because it requires so much work, and it just ends up irritating me and making me angry.

Reading is near impossible as I'm constantly getting distracted or over analyzing what I'm reading to the point where the sentences don't coalesce in to a meaningful idea, they are all just separate strands of words passing through my conscious brain.

Basically I just sit on my computer, and browse sites like reddit and youtube, and don't accomplish much. My hobbies bore me, or I start them and feel very much like I should be doing something else, something more exciting or meaningful. No activity is free of restlessness, boredom, irritation, paranoia, discontent, or impatience.

I feel like a complete mess and to be honest I dream of death a lot. Of course that thought scares me, but I'm really struggling and have been like this for as long as I can remember, it's just getting worse now.

I should add that I'm in early recovery (almost 8 months, I know, it's a good thing) so that I'm just now learning to deal with my mental health issues instead of smoking weed, drinking, or doing some other kind of drug to escape my troubles.

I'm supposed to work on my step 8 (of the 12 steps of AA), but it's taking me weeks to complete and feels so monumentally difficult to just do some little amount of work.

Plus I feel absolutely pathetic because I've had a big book of AA since september and haven't even read the whole thing yet.

Nothing feels good and I'm just pissed off.

 

[begonia]

Congratulations on being sober almost 8 months. I don't have any answers, only my experience. I've been sober 25+ years and still don't quite understand why. When I had my first year anniversary, I was afraid to leave my apartment that day and I couldn't believe that I had made it. I've seen lots of people who did all they were "supposed" to do in AA and still had many, many relapses. So I would say, don't worry about what you're supposed to do. This isn't a competition. Having a boring stretch or an overwhelming one is OK. Best wishes.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I have some bad days, too... Or bad stretches... Sometimes nothing seems to be able to "fix" my mood... So I just figure, okay, this too shall pass... And then I stop worrying about it... And somehow not worrying about it helps because soon thereafter I am feeling better. I guess, as Begonia mentioned, some of the "trick" to dealing with your feelings is also accepting and riding through them, whether they are good, bad or ugly. Technically no emotion is bad... Maybe your expectation/perception of yourself and your emotions is, in part at least, why you are feeling down. Again, as Begonia stated, "don't worry about what you are supposed to do."

You aren't supposed to "be" a certain way. You don't have to do what you think you are supposed to. Maybe you just have to "be" instead of "be what you expect."

Allow yourself to feel those blah moments, and anger, and everything else. It's better than feeling numb and not feeling anything. It's harder, but that's why life is challenging, and that's why you've been sober for 8 months: you are succeeding at life.

When you're down, or angry, or sad, go look at the calendar or your journal you might be keeping, and see how far you've come. Maybe that will help you feel accomplished.

Congratulations! You are allowing yourself to feel EVERYTHING! You never did allow yourself to do this before. Sometimes it is healthy to be angry, upset, bored, etc.

Keep up the good work!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Thinking of you HTC.

Hope soon your thoughts can shift back to the positivity of what you are doing, and some well-deserved pride...

...as well as remembering the folly of closedminded/judgmental views. If new age/spirituality ideas are non-harmful and positive/interesting/useful for you, then they have proven their value to you. That puts them above judgmental ideas.....

Keep telling yourself to choose the viewpoint which honours your right to be yourself - not what someone (or a part of you) says you 'should' be - and honours individuality and exploration.

You tell that Agent Smith where he can shove his mind-prison, Neo....

 

[HotthenCold]

Thanks everybody for your caring and insight. I guess for one reason or another it just got grey. I was feeling that way even today, but luckily I was motivated enough to get out of my apartment and run up a mountain. I'm glad I live near the rockies! Using all of my energy on that has left me feeling much more stable.

Mind prison escaped for today.

---------- Post Merged at 08:46 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:55 PM ----------

I just stopped to do dishes and remembered something critical to my well being; thoughts about the future.

When I think about the future I inevitably end up feeling stressed and hopeless. If I?m gloomy about the future, it?s obvious I?m going to feel gloomy about now. If I?m optimistic about the future, I have that nagging feeling of some aspect of my subconscious scanning the horizon to find ways that I will fail in the future (ya, well what about this? Or that?)

OH! And the most important thing regarding the future, that popped in to my head while doing the dishes, which is what I was really trying to say:

When things are going well I tend to want them to stay that way forever.

I know this isn?t possible since change is constant, so this leads me to feel attached to the now instead of free.

So to summarize when I?m not feeling needy or attached to any idea or thing I am able to live in the moment, then when things really start to feel good and free I tend to want them to last, and for a variety of reason I know this won?t happen, so I get sad.

The odd catch is that it IS possible to make that light hearted,easy going approach to life a habit if you keep practicing it, which will result in more moments of serenity/joy/wellness AS LONG AS you continually work at letting go of any attachment to that outcome.

Now I just need to very gently allow my self to be in the moment?..no pressure?.all is well, chiiiiiiillllllllll