I'm like a woman

[ldsben]

So to be honest, I'm not entirely sure if this is the correct place to post this. I apologize in advance if it's not. My problem is this, I feel like I'm way to overly empathetic and in tune to people and there emotions. This may not sound like such a bad thing and it's probably not in many ways i.e. when choosing a career and such. My problem is this trait sabotages every date or possible dates I may have.. the dates I care about, that is. I meet a girl that I actually really like.. and so clearly I care about the outcome. I figit, get nervous, anxious, analyze and over think everything she does.

Recently I made the fatal mistake of asking out a co worker. We began speaking and having long conversations. Over 2 weeks the conversations only grew. We would leave work together and stand out by her car and just talk. I thought she was cute for sure, but then I find we have soooo much in common. I really start to fall for this girl before ever asking her out. I knew she liked me and clearly wanted me to take her out. So finally I got up the nerve to ask her out.. she said yes, no hesitation. Before the so called date we talk some more from time to time.. and I of course do what I do and fumble, act awkward, and start over thinking everything. Even worse, I made the mistake of telling a few other co workers in hopes of getting advise on the perfect first date. Well I'm confident she knew I had told others (a fatal mistake on my part I now know). So I asked her out on Monday, the beginning of the week, for Thursday. She said she picked up a shift Thursday so we settled on Saturday evening. It's now Friday and a little after noon, I get a text from her saying she's not ready to date and lets be friends :facepalm: Before I even opened up the text I saw the line, "lets be friends". My heart sank and chest throbbed with pain.. and yes i teared up! I felt it and I know she felt it but I F'd it up.

Let me clarify that I have gone on many a date where I'm not into the girl at all and always find that the girl is begging for a kiss by the end of the night (but I never do kiss them because I'm not into them). I hate this... I absolutely loath this about me. Why can't I just be like every other guy. I'm the nice guy, the sweet guy, "the friend guy". I'm good looking, have an incredible body because I workout 5 days a week, tall, ect ect. I have no problem getting girls to look at me and like me.. till I like them. Then it all goes to hell.

Yes I've got a long list of many a problem.. but this incident was just like the icing on the cake for me. I'm beyond sick of this and even more so because I don't know how to deal with it. I've tried not caring as much, but when I care I care. This is absolutely perfect, as friend material. I don't know how to cope.

 

[Mari]

H! Idsben and welcome to the forum. It sounds like a difficult situation especially with a co-worker. It might not seem very positive right now but at least she did send you a text even if it is not what you wanted to hear. Have you looked at the ?Interpersonal Relationships? section of the forum?

 

[sunflower]

Hi Idsben. I am so sorry you had that experience. I know that often offices can be a place of a lot of gossip etc. So i do understand how it could have gotten a bit difficult all around. When I used to go out and really cared about a guy I would feel inferior to him. Eventually those feelings i held would undo relationships. Unless they were with people who I didnt care much about. People who I felt deserving of were people who I didnt care much about. I kept those relationships fine. But the ones I really wanted, I sort of sabotaged because I felt a bit unworthy of, or less than. Which probably was not acurate. But it was the feelings I held. I do not know if you feel the same way. Probably not. But I thought I would share my expereince anyway. Again, I am so sorry this happened. You sound like such a good guy. Any girl should be fortunate to know you :hug:

 

[ldsben]

Mari I feel silly, how did I miss that. Again sorry. I would gladly move the post if it were possible. Would you recommend re posting there?

Sunflower thanks for sharing your experience. Hearing what you said I def feel I can relate. When I care I do suppose I feel unworthy of the other person. I wish there was an easy solution to this.. not so much unfortunately. I've tried caring less, but the good ones r nearly impossible to find and once found the above situation plays over for me. I get carried away with my emotions. What you said was so sweet, thanks

 

[Mari]

Idsben, I am not sure but I think that might be a misunderstanding so I should apologize. I was asking if you had looked at the Interpersonal Relationships section of the forum because I thought that you might find some interesting/helpful posts there. It is good to check where someone posts but if there is a problem a moderator will move it so no worries there. I hope you are feeling a bit better about things today.

 

[sunflower]

Idsben, I am sorry you can relate to what I wrote. Because it is painful. But of course I wrote it because I thought you might. I wish there was a magic pill people could take that would assist us in knowing our worthiness. For some they are able to find that understanding. I hope you will find success in working on knowing just how good and worthy you are. Even if it is a long process in counseling or whatever you are drawn to, the healing journey will be well worth it. :flowers:

 

[rdw]

Maybe the gal is just not ready to date - bad break up, worried about an inter office romance, figuring who and where she is in her life. Have you thought the refusal might be more about her and not at all about you? I know we all tend to personalize events but sometimes it's just not about us.

 

[Retired]

Idsben,

Don't worry about posting in a wrong secton...if it's too far off target, one of our Forum moderators will look after it.

As for romantic relationships in the workplace, because many employers frown on them, if you find yourself in a similar situation, I think you need to be really discreet, not only by not discussing your relationship interests with other co-workers, but also in the way you manage your relationship to prevent, as much as possible, giving clues to anyone at work.

The workplace can be a competitive environment, and depending on the dynamics of your particular workplace, there's no point jeopardizing your career. If the relationship becomes serious in time, you or your partner may have to modify your career plan.

Could it be this woman got a hint of potential workplace problems to explain her backing out of your date?

Of course the way to be certain, would be to ask her directly.....outside of the workplace......

 

[ldsben]

Mari - thanks for the clarification. I am new here so the last thing I wanted to do was post incorrectly and yes I checked out the relationships section of the board. Thanks much for steering me in that direction

rdw - Thank you so much for saying that. Your message made me chuckle; she did say that it was about her. She actually went through a rough breakup about 3 months ago. She said it wasn't me but that she needed to find herself - which I do respect. However being who I am I over analyzed the entire thing. Replayed and replayed some more any and everything I could have done wrong. I of course believed it was me, couldn't help it. Whether it was or wasn't the outcome is out of my hands. Again thanks for the words of wisdom.

sunflower - Again thanks for your kind words. You seem to know exactly what to say to brighten my day

Steve - I completely agree that work relationships are sketch and dangerous to say the least. For that reason alone I held off on asking her out for several weeks.. I clearly folded. Lesson learned however.

I am astounded at the amount of responses I have received thus far. It's very touching to say the least and comforting knowing that so many can relate and do truly care. I do feel a little better and am working on better understanding myself and why I am the way I am.. and possibly how to cope. I took a silly personality test :shrug: funny as it was I found that it was dead on. I'm have an ENFP personality.

Would be very curious to hear others results. Anyway.. again thanks to everyone. I've def found a home here.

 

[Retired]

I took a silly personality test :shrug: funny as it was I found that it was dead on. I'm have an ENFP personality.

Silly pretty much describes this kind of test which is why Psychlinks puts little stock in online personality and mental health evaluations.

They might be used for entertainment, but should not be used for making any kind of life changes or self appraisal.

What is your plan for the future with regard to this woman, in light of what has transpired?

 

[ldsben]

In regards to the young lady I asked out I have no intentions of perusing her any further. I intend to keep our relationship strictly professional. That seems like the safest and most logical solution at this point. However I can't not help but feel the attraction I've felt from the beginning. So I'm not going to kid myself by saying it doesn't hurt.. hell I don't know! What would you suggest? What I do know is I absolutely hate how I let my emotions drive so strongly what I do and feel. I hate how I analyze every little detail. I over think most every situation. I would love to pick up a book or two regarding what I've mentioned. I'm also diagnosed ADD and have been since the age of 9. However I have not been on medications for several years now. Not sure what I'm getting at. Gotta head to work and look forward to reading your responses when I get back. I'm trying to be as open and transparent as possible about all of this. I really am looking for some direction here regarding myself and the situation(which I have received so thanks) and I am more than anxious to do the work myself. Just not sure where to start.

 

[Retired]

However I can't not help but feel the attraction I've felt from the beginning. So I'm not going to kid myself by saying it doesn't hurt.

I have no intentions of perusing her any further

On the contrary..peruse her all you can, just don't get caught looking, only don't pursue her until she makes the first move...and only then evaluate the benefits vs risks of pursuing a relationship in the workplace with a woman who let you down once before.

I'm also diagnosed ADD and have been since the age of 9. However I have not been on medications for several years now.

Why have you chosen to discontinue medication therapy?

I'm puzzled about your choice of a title for this topic "I'm like a woman"...care to elaborate?

 

[ldsben]

Yeah, I've really kinda gone off topic I suppose. The title simply has to do with my personality. I'm overly sensitive and emotional. Hiding how I feel is nearly impossible. In people to people situations I'm also very intuitive to others and how they feel. This causes me to analyze and dwell on why they're feeling the way they are. This is terrible and so very problematic when said situation involves me.. because I'm personally involved my judgment is nearly always far off and I only tend to screw up the situation. I hope that makes sense. So, these are traits that the majority of women have.. hence the title, "I'm like a woman".

I don't have a reason why I'm no longer on medication.. however it's an avenue I'm strongly considering again. I was on Ritalin before and eventually stopped taking it because it made me feel like a zombie. I suppose I could of tried other medications. I'm looking into it.

 

[rdw]

Yeah, I've really kinda gone off topic I suppose. The title simply has to do with my personality. I'm overly sensitive and emotional. Hiding how I feel is nearly impossible. In people to people situations I'm also very intuitive to others and how they feel. This causes me to analyze and dwell on why they're feeling the way they are. This is terrible and so very problematic when said situation involves me.. because I'm personally involved my judgment is nearly always far off and I only tend to screw up the situation. I hope that makes sense. So, these are traits that the majority of women have.. hence the title, "I'm like a woman".

A better title may have been "I'm highly sensitive" as an over generalization of women and their traits may just get you into a little hot water or a lot of hot water depending on the woman - just saying
i think a doctor could help you find a medication that could help your ADD and prevent the zombie effect. Sometimes it's a matter of adjusting the dose or switching medication typs.

 

[Retired]

Agreed with RDW..to characterize women as generally being "over sensitive" is a dated and offensive concept that should smacks of chauvinism, Idsben.

If this idea reflects your core concepts of women, consider being assessed for some guidance and perhaps counseling to identify these biases in order to modify your thinking.

Your frank revelation makes me wonder if perhaps something may have been said to the woman being discussed that may have alerted her to your bias, thereby sinking your chance for furthering a relationship with her.

I don't have a reason why I'm no longer on medication.. however it's an avenue I'm strongly considering again.

A reason would be if your symptoms affect your ability to function effectively socially or professionally. If your quality of life is adversely affected by your symptoms and you are unable to manage your symptoms by yourself or with appropriate psychotherapy, then your option might be to discuss medication therapy as an option with your doctor.

Adult ADD is a recognized disorder today, and there are effective options available.

 

[ldsben]

Are not the majority of women nurturing and therefore on average more sensitive then men? This is all I was implying. I was not saying women are emotionally unstable and messed up as myself. Regardless I do apologize if the title happened to offend anyone. Thanks all for the advice and help!

and no steve, nothing was said to offend the girl of interest.

 

[MHealthJo]

Humans vary from one to another, male or female notwithstanding, and the facts of the matter are not necessarily widely known - but there is still a certain amount of general thinking among a lot of people that many women may tend toward more empathetic / empathic and sensitive features than many men do. So I understand what you meant Idsben. It's true though that for these sort of topics you're better off choosing a title that more just describes the thoughts and feelings in their own right, haha.

I have no idea what research has been done on male/female differences recently though, and in the generation of millennials and below I think things may be changing a lot, perhaps also depending on where a person lives and what culture they are from, etc... so who knows, maybe only time and more research will have concrete things to say about male/female differences and tendencies.

 

[Retired]

nothing was said to offend the girl of interest

Perhaps not, but all I suggest is that is it possible that you may have unknowingly and unwittingly made a remark or comment using words or expression that could have been misinterpreted or misread by this woman? I know from my own experience, that from time to time I say things that to me seem benign or even an attempt at humor that are interpreted by others differently from the way I intended.

I was not saying women are emotionally unstable..Post 16

The title simply has to do with my personality. I'm overly sensitive and emotional. Hiding how I feel is nearly impossible. In people to people situations I'm also very intuitive to others and how they feel. This causes me to analyze and dwell on why they're feeling the way they are. This is terrible and so very problematic when said situation involves me.. because I'm personally involved my judgment is nearly always far off and I only tend to screw up the situation. I hope that makes sense. So, these are traits that the majority of women have.. hence the title, "I'm like a woman".Post 13

I was just going by what you wrote. Can you see why there might be a question about how you see women's attitudes?