In Denial or Am I Wasting My Time?

[ThatWoman]

I have been dating a great guy for the past 4 months.I am divorced with a son, he has a 9 year old daughter with an ex-partner who lives with her.We get on so well physically,intellectually-we laugh...it's great.
I have met his best friend (after 3 weeks and at his request)and only yesterday met his daughter(he picked me uo from hospital and this was one of the days he has her).
He seems happy when I meet HIS friends etc but he absolutely recoils from any attempt by me to introduce him to my friends(he will meet my son when I feel it is'right').He says he hates'coupledom',and getting him to agree to a date a week in advance is a major military campaign.
I personally find it hurtful that I am being shut out in this way.
I know 4 months isn't a long time,but I feel he is taking strategic steps to ensure he doesn't get hurt!
I have confronted him on this but he laughs it off.
I want this relationship to work but am at a loss at how we can move forward .

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to Psychlinks Online, ThatWoman:

I have been dating a great guy for the past 4 months... He seems happy when I meet HIS friends etc but he absolutely recoils from any attempt by me to introduce him to my friends... He says he hates 'coupledom', and getting him to agree to a date a week in advance is a major military campaign. I personally find it hurtful that I am being shut out in this way. I know 4 months isn't a long time, but I feel he is taking strategic steps to ensure he doesn't get hurt! I have confronted him on this but he laughs it off.

Oddly enough, a client recently talked to me about a similar experience she was having. Of course, from your brief description I have no idea how similar are the histories and circumstances but it is possible that your comment about "strategic steps to ensure he doesn't get hurt" may be right on. I think many people have had the experience of moving ahead too quickly with a new relationship and later finding reasons to wish they had been more cautious. That doesn't necessarily mean he isn't sincere in his feelings about you (the fact that he introduced you to a friend and his daughter would suggest otherwise, in fact, at least in most cases) but that he may be aware that it can be dangerous to trust initial feelings. It may not seem logical but perhaps there is something about meeting your friends that makes it feel more like a permanent commitment to him, for reasons we don't yet know.

I want this relationship to work but am at a loss at how we can move forward.

You indicate that you are getting on well in all respects and enjoying being with one another... What's the rush? It's only been 4 months at this point. If this new relationship continues to evolve and grow, you potentially have the rest of your lives together. My advice would be to let it unfold as it will... if it continues as it is at present, both of you will grow together in the relationship and meeting individual friends and making new ones together will be a natural outgrowth of that process. To try to push it ahead prematurely might threaten a potentially successful long-term relationship by increasing his or your fears/anxieties or result in decisions that aren't the best for one or both of you in the long term.

There's a lot to be said for the Buddhist concept of mindfulness and being in the present - enjoy the moment, hope for the best, but let it unfold in a natural way and enjoy that as it happens.