Inconsiderate behaviour by ACOH

[DG]

I have been dating a previously divorced female Adult Child of Alcoholic. For 2 1/2 years we've had a special night of the week together. I thought it was "our own". Recently, I noticed a behaviour of hers that has caused me to feel trampled upon. She will agree to go out with friends on our special night but hold back telling me until the last possible moment. The notice I receive is akin to a "By the way..." and is quite unilateral. Afterwards, there is an attempt to over placate me with "I'm sorry"s and "You're so wonderful"s.

Given our past dedication to this special day, I am surprised that she doesn't simply tell the invitee "Probably, but I would like to ask ... first" to their request. I know what my answer would be. I call this approach considerate of my needs.

Instead, this self-described "very independent" woman chooses to exclude me from the decision until the last possible moment. Is this "typical" of Adult Children of Alcoholics who have espoused independence as a coping mechanism? What are my options towards mending our relationship? I have considered simply asking her to adopt the more considerate approach. Am I over-reacting?

 

[DG]

I have been dating a previously divorced female Adult Child of Alcoholic. For 2 1/2 years we've had a special night of the week together. I thought it was "our own". Recently, I noticed a behaviour of hers that has caused me to feel trampled upon. She will agree to go out with friends on our special night but hold back telling me until the last possible moment. The notice I receive is akin to a "By the way..." and is quite unilateral. Afterwards, there is an attempt to over placate me with "I'm sorry"s and "You're so wonderful"s.

Given our past dedication to this special day, I am surprised that she doesn't simply tell the invitee "Probably, but I would like to ask ... first" to their request. I know what my answer would be. I call this approach considerate of my needs.

Instead, this self-described "very independent" woman chooses to exclude me from the decision until the last possible moment. Is this "typical" of Adult Children of Alcoholics who have espoused independence as a coping mechanism? What are my options towards mending our relationship? I have considered simply asking her to adopt the more considerate approach. Am I over-reacting?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think you're overreacting. Have you tried talking to her about this?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think you're overreacting. Have you tried talking to her about this?

 

[DG]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes. However, I think I put the wrong emphasis on what I was saying. I asked her to tell me as soon as possible. What I realized yesterday was that I really wished she had "asked" me first.

I guess a more direct question for you would be:

Is this type of behaviour consistent with ACOHs?

Furthermore, I also suspect that I have codependency issues with her. I take this far too personally and I am only now realizing that maybe I should put less emphasis on our relationship. In other words, my "need" to be included in her decision process is large.

Of course, I'd like to talk with her about this but I fear introducing too much emotion into the conversation. After explaining my positition a few times, bringing up the subject may seem like overkill to such an independent person.

 

[DG]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes. However, I think I put the wrong emphasis on what I was saying. I asked her to tell me as soon as possible. What I realized yesterday was that I really wished she had "asked" me first.

I guess a more direct question for you would be:

Is this type of behaviour consistent with ACOHs?

Furthermore, I also suspect that I have codependency issues with her. I take this far too personally and I am only now realizing that maybe I should put less emphasis on our relationship. In other words, my "need" to be included in her decision process is large.

Of course, I'd like to talk with her about this but I fear introducing too much emotion into the conversation. After explaining my positition a few times, bringing up the subject may seem like overkill to such an independent person.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure it IS an ACOA issue... rather it's an issue of either courtesy/respect or perhaps a difference in how you perceive the relationshiop and these "special evenings" and how she perceives them.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm not sure it IS an ACOA issue... rather it's an issue of either courtesy/respect or perhaps a difference in how you perceive the relationshiop and these "special evenings" and how she perceives them.

 

[DG]

That stings. If this is the case. But, at least, your comments have allowed me to face one of a few possible realities that, I think, I was trying to avoid/suppress. They are:

1) Her importance on these evenings together may be less than mine.
2) Her importance on the relationship may be less than mine.
3) She may have difficulty understanding how she is hurting me.

Obviously, the first two points require me to do a personal assessment. On the other hand, if point #3 is predominant, then I figure a heart to heart chat with her is probably the best course of action. It is probably better that I get the answers to 1 and 2 first.

In any case, no matter how I slice and dice it, I have to admit that this hurts me.

 

[DG]

That stings. If this is the case. But, at least, your comments have allowed me to face one of a few possible realities that, I think, I was trying to avoid/suppress. They are:

1) Her importance on these evenings together may be less than mine.
2) Her importance on the relationship may be less than mine.
3) She may have difficulty understanding how she is hurting me.

Obviously, the first two points require me to do a personal assessment. On the other hand, if point #3 is predominant, then I figure a heart to heart chat with her is probably the best course of action. It is probably better that I get the answers to 1 and 2 first.

In any case, no matter how I slice and dice it, I have to admit that this hurts me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would agree. Explore #3 first.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I would agree. Explore #3 first.

 

[DG]

I should and I will.

This IS a simple communication problem until it proves itself to be otherwise.

 

[DG]

I should and I will.

This IS a simple communication problem until it proves itself to be otherwise.

 

[DG]

A good relationship is built on good communication! Good relationships and good communication require trust! A trust in oneself AND a trust in the significant other. If one cannot trust their feelings to the other then no meaningful relationship is possible.

I just learned all of this.

And, I am happy because I learned to trust and was rewarded with respect and acknowledgement.

 

[DG]

A good relationship is built on good communication! Good relationships and good communication require trust! A trust in oneself AND a trust in the significant other. If one cannot trust their feelings to the other then no meaningful relationship is possible.

I just learned all of this.

And, I am happy because I learned to trust and was rewarded with respect and acknowledgement.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

)

Good for you, DG. I'm glad it worked out.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

)

Good for you, DG. I'm glad it worked out.