Insane Rage

[Daemon]

Hello. I don't post much here but I read a lot of interesting topics and I believe I can get some helpful advice here.

I have some other issues but I want to ask about particular one.

I am now 25y old. While it contradicts this topic I can say that I am a very peaceful person. I don't like looking for trouble (fights, picking on others, etc) for no reason. I've never had a fight in my life that I initiated. Never. And despite that "peace" I have a very big issue when it comes to hand to hand fighting. I am 191cm/80kg but I am not really strong. Just an average build. But when it comes to fight, I think it really doesn't matter for me... I saw a lot of fights and a lot of angry people, but the thing that happens to me is not your everyday adrenaline rush.

When I get angry today, people who know me just move away or get ready to jump on me to prevent me killing someone. I don't mean to sound like some uber fighter because I am not, but the frenzy that overwhelms me is insane. As said, I am not really strong nor I have any martial arts training but that really doesn't matter when I go in my rage mode. I've got beaten in the past but for last 4y or so I think there are rare individuals who could take me down now. I am saying this because I've taken punches which would take almost anyone down but I always get up more angrier. But it is going overboard. Last week I've beaten a dude much stronger than me so badly that I broke my fist and 2 fingers and on his face. Three people had to hold me down or I would have killed him. And that was not the first time. In the last 4y I really went overboard several times. I think I will develop a really early arthritis or something similar due to broken bones. It is one thing to "win" a fight and another to do a overkill. There are times when my friends react when they see it might go down and they do everything possible to avoid the violence. That and some other signs are telling me this isn't something normal that you encounter in everyday angry person.

The rage is so intense that for example now when I remember that night I had to stop typing for few minutes because I was shaking so hard and my heart was pumping like 130 + tightness in the chest. And I am sitting down in front of a computer...

I think it is a problem because I could someday get into real trouble if I continue like this and maybe there is no one around to stop me. I don't want fights but when it happens I can't control myself. Again, I saw many angry people but this is something bigger. It is an adrenaline rush with all it's symptoms but it looks like 200% enhanced than normal people get from it.
Sometimes I get enraged for no reason except I remember something that happened and I have to take damn benzos to calm down or I just shake like I'm going through heavy withdrawal or something like that.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the essay on a relatively simple subject but I didn't want to just write "I'm crazy when angry, help plz".

Is there any way to gain control over this? At least something partial... I guess answer will be "pillz" but there must be something else?
I want this to stop because people are looking me differently and that anger is bothering me in everyday life because of damn shaking and other stuff that anger brings with it.

I am really not a violent person and I don't want to hurt anyone. But that doesn't matter when somebody punches me for no reason or makes anything that will anger me...

Anyway, thanks in advance.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Rage as you describe it may be the primary problem, or it is possible that it is secondary to something else.

In either case, yes there are certainly several things that you can do to better manage these rages. Medication may well be part of that but it would not be the whole anser.

You don't tell us much about what provokes or triggers these rages, nor about your history or your family history. I recommend that you see a psychiatrist or psychologist as a starting point to get an accurate evaluation of what is cazusing the rages.

 

[Daemon]

Thanks for reply.

I saw both psychiatrist and psychologist but we never got in discussion about that. Mainly because I am not getting angry or mad for every little thing. Only bigger things when someone directly enrages me on purpose.

As for triggers, as I have written I am not a person who is looking for trouble. I only respond. But the response is bad. So these are the triggers:

- if someone punches me or pushes me.
- if someone insults me badly on purpose
- if someone insults (or God forbid touches) my sister or mother then it gets really, really bad

However, when you mention it, a part of it may come from family problems. My parents divorced when I was 20 and there have been serious altercations between me and my father.

As for me, long story short - I had my issues with drugs, crime and some other things since about age of 15 but that is mostly over now. I got tired of drugs... I was never a real addict. I used only on weekends and never touched opiates so I didn't get hooked on anything really seriously. I landed in jail once (silly drug charge) and was instructed to see psychiatrists and drug rehab as my punishment. But then I was also diagnosed with something but I would rather not discuss that because of it's damn stereotype and that is probably for another topic.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I saw both psychiatrist and psychologist but we never got in discussion about that.

Sounds like it might be a good time to renew those contacts...

Here's what stands out for me in your reply:

Mainly because I am not getting angry or mad for every little thing. Only bigger things when someone directly enrages me on purpose.

It is highly unlikely that anyone is "enraging you on purpose" - that's the fundamental logical flaw or cognitive distortion of insdividuals who suffer from road rage. Additionally, no one has the power to enrage you and no one is responsible for your rages except you.

If you haven't practiced cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) in the past, this is something you need to pursue now. If you have done CBT before, time to go back to it.

As for triggers, as I have written I am not a person who is looking for trouble. I only respond.

Really? I have my doubts about that. But regardless, you can choose how to respond to triggers. You also have control over whether you erupt into rage or express anger in other ways. Yes, it may go from annoyance to rage very rapidly in your case but there is always a moment or two when you are making a choice about whether or not to escalate and distirted cognitions have a great deal to do with what choice you make.

My parents divorced when I was 20 and there have been serious altercations between me and my father.

Highlight this for exploration in therapy.

I was also diagnosed with something but I would rather not discuss that because of it's damn stereotype and that is probably for another topic.

It may well be a big part of the same topic.

You need to get yourself back into therapy, Daemon, before you seriously hurt someone or yourself.