Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter

[David Baxter PhD]

Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter
Tara Parker-Pope, New York Times Blog
February 15, 2008

The stereotype of the 16-year-old boy is that he has sex on the brain. But a fascinating new report suggests that boys are motivated more by love and a desire to form real relationships with the girls they date.

The report, published in this month?s Journal of Adolescence, paints a far different picture of teen boys than the stereotype of testosterone-fueled youth. Psychology researchers from the State University of New York at Oswego surveyed 105 10th-grade boys whose average age was about 16. The boys, most of whom said they were heterosexual, were given surveys asking them to select various reasons why they asked girls out, dated and pursued physical relationships. Most of the boys had dating experience, and about 40 percent were sexually active.

The boys were asked their reasons for dating and were allowed to mark more than one answer. Notably, being physically attracted to someone wasn?t the primary motivation they gave for dating. More than 80 percent of the boys noted ?I really liked the person.? Physical attraction and wanting to get to know someone better were the second most popular answers.

Among the boys who had been sexually active, physical desire and wanting to know what sex feels like were among the top three reasons they pursued sex. However, the boys were equally likely to say they pursued sex because they loved their partner. Interestingly, only 14 percent said they sought sex because they wanted to lose their virginity, and 9 percent did so to fit in with friends.

The researchers note that there is no way to assess the truthfulness of the boys? answers, but the rate of sexual activity in the sample is consistent with national trends, suggesting the boys were answering honestly. The survey group was ethnically and economically diverse, and 95 indicated they were heterosexual, while 10 boys didn?t answer the question.

The overall findings are contrary to cultural beliefs that boys are interested primarily in sex and not relationships.

?Let?s give boys more credit,? said study author Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at the university. ?Although some of them are just looking for sex, most boys are looking for a relationship. The kids we know mostly aren?t like this horrible stereotype. They are generally interested in dating and getting to know their partners.?

The data also suggest that teenage boys will be receptive to parental messages about the importance of getting to know a girl and respect within relationships, even if they act otherwise. ?Very few parents really talk to their sons about relationships,? Dr. Smiler said. ?We know that many parents do have these kinds of conversations with girls.?

Dr. Smiler said parents should talk to boys and girls and try to teach them about both romantic and platonic relationships, how to develop and maintain them, how to deal with ups and downs and how to forgive and regain trust.

?Somehow we buy into this idea that guys aren?t emotional, that guys aren?t interested in relationships, so we don?t give our teenagers the information,? Dr. Smiler said. ?Boys rarely hear this kind of information about relationships from parents, whether about friendships or romantic relationships.?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Peeking Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter

Peeking Inside the Mind of the Boy Dating Your Daughter
By TARA PARKER-POPE, New York Times
February 24, 2008

THE image of the testosterone-fueled teenage boy is a familiar one. It has been reinforced by movies such as Porky?s, American Pie, and Superbad, which chronicle the escapades of high school boys determined to lose their virginity.

But are boys that age really defined primarily by their sexual urges? Or does the stereotype fall short, telling us less about teenage males and more about a culture that seems to have consistently low expectations of its boys?

A new report in The Journal of Adolescence this month suggests that when it comes to sex, girls and dating, boys are more complex than we typically give them credit for. While hormonal urges are no doubt an important part of a teenage boy?s life, they aren?t necessarily the defining trait influencing a boy?s relationships with girls.

Psychology researchers from the State University of New York at Oswego recently examined data collected from 105 10th-grade boys, average age 16, who answered questions about a number of health behaviors. In questions put to them about girls (most of the boys self-identified as heterosexual), the teenagers were asked to note their reasons for pursuing a relationship. The top answer, marked by 80 percent of the boys? ?I really liked the person.?

Physical attraction and wanting to get to know someone better were tied as the second-most-popular answers. Boys who were sexually active were as likely to say they pursued sex out of love as they were to say they simply wanted to know what sex feels like or to satisfy a physical desire. Wanting to lose their virginity barely registered, with just 14 percent of boys checking that answer.

Researchers said the findings show that teenage boys really are motivated by love and a desire for meaningful relationships.

But many people still don?t buy it, including, it seems, many former teenage boys.

?Based on my past experience as a teenage boy, this study just reinforces my view that teenage boys are horny liars,? wrote John, one of about 170 people who submitted comments about the study to the New York Times? Well Blog last week.

?Yeah right! 16-year-old boys are concerned about relationships?? scoffed Brian, another reader, who said he has a daughter. ?I can just about pinpoint the exact moment in my prepubescent life when the ?lies I told the ladies? turned into ?the ?truths? I told myself ... These punks have got one thing on their minds, and it ain?t relationships.?

Such skepticism about boys in their teens isn?t surprising, say researchers, but it reveals more about what?s going on in the minds of adults, than of teenagers.

?Grown men often deny how dependent they are on women,? said Michael G. Thompson, a psychologist specializing in children and families and co-author of the book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. ?The idea that you could pine for a girl, and be devastated by a girl makes an adult man uncomfortable. It reminds them of how profoundly attached they get to women.?

None of this is to say that teen boys aren?t interested in sex. Of course they are. But adolescence can often be a lonely time, and for many boys, girls represent needed companionship, Dr. Thompson said.

?Many boys are yearning to talk to somebody, but they can?t talk to their boy friends because it?s all teasing and a lot of competitiveness,? he said. ?For many boys who have been a little bit lonely in the boy group, finally meeting a girl and talking to her is a huge relief.?

But the widespread skepticism about teenage boys is worrisome, some psychologists say, because it may mean that boys ultimately will fulfill our low expectations of them.

?The stereotype reduces boys to one-dimensional beings who just want sex and nothing else,? said Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at SUNY-Oswego and author of the recent study. ?But there are certainly other things boys want. They want to play baseball. They want good grades and to go to good colleges. But if we insist all boys want is sex, in any context, that?s one dimensional, and it really limits boys and how we think of boys.?

There are reasons that Dr. Smiler believes the boys in his study were telling the truth. The overall survey asked about more than just relationships and took about 45 minutes to complete. The answers the boys gave relating to things like alcohol use and sexual activity were consistent with data collected from other national surveys. The similarity of the responses to those questions suggests that the boys were, in general, being truthful.

Last fall, a study of 1,500 college students (average age of 19), surveyed the reasons they have sex. The top answer for both men and women, ?I was attracted to the person.? The data suggested that both women and men are motivated by sexual arousal. But other reasons included wanting to show affection, wanting to express their love and wanting to please their partner.

So what is really going on in the mind of the boy dating your daughter? Maybe what worries so many fathers is that they know, from experience, that boys really do have more than just sex on their minds.

?This is only a surprise to women,? wrote Brad, another reader of the Well Blog. ?Any male knows that he was desperately in love at 15 in a way he never would be again.?