Interrupted by suicidal thoughts

[soothmyst]

On a night when I should have been happy for a new year to start, I suddenly had overwhelming thoughts of suicide. Not how I would do it, but that there was really no reason for me to take up space in this world. I have felt this before, that I am only around breathing air someone else could, working at a job that another could do. I don't feel I have any purpose what-so-ever. I don't have any special abilities making me unique.

So there I am, watching the New Years Eve shows on TV. The All-American Rejects came on and sang Dirty Little Secret. I lost it during the song, in tears, wondering why I was alive. I can sit here and try to analyze what triggered it, but that would take a while to list everything.

I think the main thing that kept me straying away from making plans to commit suicide are my cats. I can't bear to think about what would happen to them were I to do something. It would be days and days before anyone came looking for me. Not to mention, all my family lives 1000 miles away from me.

It was pretty scary for me to have those thoughts all the sudden, of suicide, when I was having a decent (albeit lonely) night at home. I was even, while laying in bed, thinking of ways to get around my cats well-being if I killed myself.

Quick background: 30yr. old female, divorced for over a year (no kids), on the smallest dosage of Celexa, and seeing a therapist that I don't think is doing anything for me (hour long sessions last maybe 20 minutes with neither of us having anything to talk about after that).

Through all this instability, I am seeking a boyfriend. Some may say it's the wrong thing to do, but for me, I think it's the best.

Just thought I would share.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

Hey , have you spoke to your therapist about your thoughts and feelings it would be very important that you do the person that is treating you can fofill a correct and helpfull therapie if that person has all the peices of the puzzle. and on the other hand your searching for a boyfriend you are prety correct when you say that many people wqould say that it is not a good idea sure it may be able to help you .. in many ways but would you not tend to take care of him and forget yourself in it is it only a way to hide away your pain .. and manypeople also say that you swhould love yourself before going into a relationship because of many reasons one in paticular would be that if the realationship does not turn out well and you end up in a bd relationship you may feel so bad about yourself that you will believe that you deserve to be miserable witch is jot the case at all.. i believe that you should discuss this matter with your psychologist and ask him or her what they think
yours trully ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think the main thing that kept me straying away from making plans to commit suicide are my cats. I can't bear to think about what would happen to them were I to do something.

Then I, for one, am very glad you have your cats to worry about. And I think your cats are lucky that you do worry about them.

on the smallest dosage of Celexa, and seeing a therapist that I don't think is doing anything for me (hour long sessions last maybe 20 minutes with neither of us having anything to talk about after that).

Wondering:

1. Why only the smallest dose of Celexa? if you're havcing suicidal thoughts, maybe this should be reviewed.

2. What kind of therapist is he/she? I cannot imagine a session with someone who is depressed where the therapist cannot help the client find something to talk about. Most of my sessions run late if I'm not careful. Have you thought about seeking another therapist? Is that an option?

 

[Eunoia]

you said you don't have any special abilities to make you unique- I can already tell from your post though that you show a great ability to care for someone or something... even if it's just your cats. Sometimes those are the things that matter in life, more than excelling at a sport or being a talented musician, or a straight-A student... I have often struggled with this as well, trying to find my 'special' ability(ies) but I can slowly see that I do have those, but I either take them for granted or search for more, not b/c it's not 'good enough' but b/c I get caught up in trying to be as good or better at the things everyone else excells at... why though? there is nothing stopping me from being that person, but myself or maybe the fact that those just aren't my 'special' abilities... you have so much to live for, but it is extremely difficult to see or even imagine any of that when you're depressed. I don't know why you're with a therapist who has nothing else to say after a 20min session, and you have nothing to say either... I would encourage you to go look for another therapist b/c there are really good ones out there who can help. I am glad you shared this post...

 

[soothmyst]

Thanks for everyone's reply. Ashley-kate made some good points that I lose focus on at times.

I do have the option of finding a new therapist, and will probably try to find a psychologist this time rather than a counselor. It was either that or quit therapy all-together at the moment, which would probably not be wise since I'm on medicine. I'm looking for a good balance of therapy (maybe testing) and medicine (or no medicine if possible).

I think my therapy is at such a dead end at the moment with my current therapist because she's waiting for me to make changes in my life. I.E. exercise (for better mental health as well as weight-loss), and to start making a social support group whether it's going out and volunteering somewhere on weekends or going out and meeting people. Currently I have been sleeping a whole day away on the weekends from sheer boredom and the lack of motivation to do anything. The problem with these changes is that they don't happen overnight, and can take months and months to happen. Not to mention too many changes at once are bound to cause the opposite reaction and bring me back to square one because of being overloaded.