More threads by Ash


Sorry for jumping in and posting before I introduced myself.

I'm a 32 year-old single parent of two children, ages 9 and 4. In the past I've been dx'd with Bipolar Disorder/OCD/PTSD. I currently take Lamictal to help with mood stabilization. I've been in therapy many times over the years but it never seems to help.

My father was my life until a certain age. He would watch scary movies with me, taking me hiking, we'd stargaze together and listen to classical music. I'm not sure when it went wrong but it did. He had an explosive temper, was emotionally abusive (so says my mother), and would slap me. The last time he did so, I was around 14. He made my nose bleed and I went off on him.

My mother was never really "there", emotionally that is. I don't remember her hugging me, supporting me, consoling me. I learned not to go to her with problems because it was like talking to a wall. I know she would slap me, though I don't remember too much about that. I do remember the old "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." When I upset her, she would walk away and ignore me. I grew up never feeling good enough or safe.

I've always played this down, believing that since it's not as bad as other people's childhoods that I must be making more of it than it is. Maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I deserved it. I have major trust and abandonment issues which have made personal relationships very difficult.

I was always the "bad" child, while my sister was "good". I'm still treated that way, always the screw up. My mother and sister don't have much to do with me and will always spend time with each other.

I started cutting when I was 12 years-old. I descended into drinking and doing drugs rapidly after that. Spirally out of control, no place to turn for support. While I hardly drink anymore, I've begun to cut again. The stress builds up until I feel that there's nothing else I can do.

I have a stormy relationship with my mother, whom I rent a house with. Unfortunately. She still belittles me, tells me how I do everything wrong, believes that I couldn't possibly live without her. I do my best to stay away from her because I can't handle the stress and wondering how she will react. Things are getting worse because of the way she treats my children. I can't stand to watch them being treated the way I was/still am. She plays favorites with my son and doesn't like to include my daughter in too many things.

My daughter is four and a hand-full. She's passionate, opinionated, rebellious, defiant but also loving, intelligent, and funny. My son is nine and has been dx'd with Bipolar Disorder/ADHD. We've had some rough times, him being violent, but he is medicated and does much better. I wonder how much of the acting out my kids do because of our living arrangements.

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past two months. I have never met anyone so caring, patient, supportive and loving. He holds me when my head is messed up. He does his best to help and ground me. I'm extremely happy but also worried that this one will leave like all the others.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I look forward to "talking" with everyone.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Wow... that's quite an introduction, Ash. Welcome to PsychLinks Online.

I'll have a look for the other post you mentioned here (for some reason, tonight my "unread" flags aren't showing again -- one of these days, I must fix that). In the meantime, I'll just make two brief comments:

1. Don't give up on therapy (actually, I suspect joining this forum is a sign you haven't really). It can take time, sometimes a lifetime, but it does work. Each time you return, you deal with another issue or another layer. Eventually, you have uncovered and hyealed them all. The key, of course, is to find the right therapist for you at a particular time in your life.

2. In my experience, cutting is always about expressing something (usually some form of anger) that you just cannot find a satisfactory way of expressing more directly -- "getting it out" -- and based on what you say here, I would not be at all surprised to learn that it centers around your mother.

Again, welcome - I hope you will find some answers and support here and that you will help others to do the same.


Hello Ash
It's good to 'meet' you

I look forward to seeing more posts from you...
...things can change for the better. I have come through many changes in my life, and know that there is hope,
love Marion (sammy)


sammy said:
I look forward to seeing more posts from you...
...things can change for the better. I have come through many changes in my life, and know that there is hope,
love Marion (sammy)

Thank you, Marion. I've gotten better at seeing the "light at the end of the tunnel", however, sometimes it's pretty darned faint! I think that getting into this relationship has thrown me for a loop, opening up things that were better left alone. Not that I've done it on purpose! Luckily, my boyfriend supports me and would do anything to make me happy. I can't explain how foreign a concept that is! Sometimes you just have to "white-knuckle" to get on.
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