Introduction and plea for help

[battleworn]

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with paranoia, consequently, I am somewhat apprehensive of devulging (sp) a lot of information that can be traced back to my e-mail. But here goes. Once started, it will probably overflow. I apologize in advance.

I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist, a forensic psychologist (who I sought), and a Jungian psychoanalyst working through dreams and bodywork (very interesting, terrific work). I meditate off and on after attending a 10-day Vipassana meditation course 2 years ago (best "in-patient" treatment ever). I feel I have gained a lot of insight and can objectively analyze my behavior, reactions, and feelings, but as Dr. Baxter's "thread" suggests, this does not bring about "happiness".

Therefore, I am stuck.

The book by Sandy Hotchkiss, Why is it always about you, The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, was shockingly accurate for me and the one person in my life who seems to have a "puppeteer" effect on me. I recognized narcissistic traits in both of us (of course more dominant in him - sarcasm), but I fear the victim is very much my adolescent son.

My ex-husband (divorced November 2007, separated since July 2005)a.k.a the "puppeteer", and I are currently chin deep in the surreal muck of a hostile custody battle. (He is attempting to get sole custody, I am trying to maintain joint custody, which was decided for in 2009, but he is appealing).

My feelings are that my son is being strongly influenced by his father and does not think much of me, even though we had a very close bond prior to this. At this point, I have pretty much mastered not communicating these feelings to my son, and our visits are very much focused on he and I having fun. Between these restricted visits, I frequently think of what I am missing as far as our parent-child relationship, feel imprisoned by the situation, and ruminate about my participation in all of this and what could have been done differently. I have tried to accept the blame and cannot. I want him (my son) back, undisturbed by his dad's ideas and opinions. The pain in my heart is similar to the pain I felt when my mother passed. This has gone on since September of 2008 when my ex (an attorney) filed for sole custody.

The justice system is not doing anything for my son or me except prolonging the cash-flow, my ex pretty much pulling the puppet strings in an attempt to both financially and psychologically exhaust me (which I am very close to both - extremely in debt). Ms. Hotchkiss gave very good advice as to how to deal with the narcissists in your life in her book, but I have tried and tried to apply this advice to my current situation and have not been able to come up with an approach. Which leads me here. Any thoughts?

 

[Yuray]

Re: introduction and plea for help

You have mentioned many issues in your intro, that will have to be broken down into smaller doses
You mentioned a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a psychotherapist. Are these all complemtary to each other for you?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: introduction and plea for help

Welcome to Psychlinks, battleworn.

 

[Retired]

I am somewhat apprehensive of devulging (sp) a lot of information that can be traced back to my e-mail.

Neither your identity nor your posts can be traced back to your email by Forum users. The privacy and confidentiality of our members is taken seriously and information is never disclosed. Forum members cannot see your email address.

In order to protect your identity, remember to never mention specifics about your place of residence, your employer or anything that can be directly linked to you. These are the usual cautions anyone using the internet should employ to protect their privacy.

 

[Justaday]

Hello Battleworn,

Welcome to Psychlinks.

Custody battles are a lot of stress, energy-consumming. Sad also that you've been dealing with mental health issues, then a divorce, and this custody battle. And it going of for years, yes that can be wearing.

I'm glad you have good access to some professional helpers. And Vipassana meditation course/retreat sounds like that was an awesome opportunity-- it's good stuff, and it sounds like you've been able to make that work for you. I think breathing can be very pleasurable and it's a good thing to practice while circumstances in your life world are challenging at the moment (to say the least).

I am glad you found your way to here. I found myself in a crisis and needed a place of support to help me move through some, when it was feeling so overwhelming and intense. There's lots of experienced people here who will be able to reflect and relate to going through difficult challenges and transitions.

I wouldn't worry about others being able to trace you to here. If your ex doesn't have access to your computer nor know your email and password, I don't think you could get hacked-- others here might know more about the technolology aspect, but I'm pretty sure there's no risk.

 

[Retired]

If your ex doesn't have access to your computer nor know your email and password

Thank you for reminding me, Justaday! If you are concerned about others who might have access to your computer, or if you are using a public computer, do not check the box to "Remember Me" when you log in and when you quit your Psychlinks session, be sure to log out and finish by closing the browser. On your own computer, if you are using Internet Explorer, enable Tools | InPrivate Browsing for added privacy and security.

 

[Jackie]

Welcome battleworn

 

[battleworn]

Thank you for all responses.

As a proper paranoid, I have taken many percautions safeguarding privacy. Thank you.

The therapies of which I am participating have been and continue to be very helpful. The situation is where I am stuck.

A hearing date to expand visitation has just been postponed a month and a half. This true sense of powerlessness over this system, and how it is being manipulated (thus manipulating me!) by my ex is frustrating. This frustration in turn has influenced my mood and I sense an extreme volatility. My son visits tonite, and I do not want him to sense this.

Thanks again for the responses.
battleworn

 

[Justaday]

As a proper paranoid, I have taken many percautions safeguarding privacy. Thank you.

Good one, I share some similarities re: the need to protect myself, cope with it.

This forum can be a safe place, to chat about the stuff, that your seeking to contain from your closer relationships. With your son's visit, I imagine that the focus has to change back to being a parent, in a supporting role, doing the parental thing.

Keep coming back, anytime,
Cheers,
Justaday

 

[battleworn]

Re: Jane?s 12 Step Recovery Manifesto for Adult Children of Tiger Mothers

Oh so appropriate, changing the word "mothers" (mine was wonderful) to the applicable relationship (i.e. fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, etc), and definitely a manifesto for parents. Thanks for posting this.

Justaday's response was helpful last week. The visit with my son went OK.

Back to the original question, however, dealing with the narcissism of the "ex". As my son and I's relationship gets better, or something happens that is positive regarding this, the reaction of my "ex" (the attorney) is to mobilize the powers that be to restrict our visitation or not respond to my requests to expand the visitation (right now it is quite restricted). The external opinions which Jane refers to in her manifesto very much influence the situation which in turn is influenced by the "ex"s narcissim. I truly have sins in the past, but (I feel) now it is time for healing to take place for ALL of us.

I have been both passive and active in this situation. I do not know what to do. My friends tell me that when my son is an adult, everything will change. Although I want a good relationship with my son when he is an adult, I do not want to wait for that - and I suppose I think of myself as "saving" him from his Tiger father, allowing him some time to be himself, or search for himself, when he is with me. This probably is pretty egotistical and narcisstic on my part. The whole situation is just a ferris wheel.

battleworn

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