Introduction

[Dboy]

Hi,

I found this site while searching for information on overcoming childhood abuse. Things in my life have reached a state where I have been forced to come to terms with my history and deal with it honestly. I would like to mention some of the people I am reading in the process of getting where I want to be in life. I am extremely grateful to all of these people for pointing the way:


His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Ken Wilber
Lama Surya Das
Pema Chodron
Alice Miller
Don Miguel Ruiz


Thanks

Dboy

 

[Andy]

Welcome to Psychlinks Dboy:2thumbs:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome, Dboy.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi DBoy welcome to PL

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Dboy! Let us know how we can help.

 

[defect]

Hi Dboy, I'm here for the same reason too. I think you'll find some useful information here. Good to meet you.

 

[Dboy]

Thanks for the hellos. I'm a white male, 40, single, never married, commodity futures trader. I briefly tried therapy through the psch services at my university, but did not continue that because I felt very uncomfortable there. I was uncomfortable with pretty much everyone and everything at the time, and could not trust anyone. So all the stuff in my head has gone untreated. I began attending BDSM parties when I was barely 18, and through those parties met several people, none of whom would hit me hard enough. I eventually found a man who was willing to (and very much enjoyed) administering severe punishment, and that relationship lasted for several years. I later met other men in various cities that I moved to. Anyway, the puzzle pieces are starting to fit for me and I now have some Ph.D-type language to describe what I've been doing to myself. So at least I know that I have a "compulsion to repeat the trauma". It hasn't stopped me, but at least I know what I'm doing. And BTW if you are into this as well, don't bother asking BDSM scene people their opinions/theories, because 1) it will be perceived as a threat 2) they don't want to think about WHY they enjoy inflicting pain on others or receiving it 3) they want to pretend it's normal. It's not. It's definitely NOT normal. Having said that, I still very much crave it. Lately I've been working through the dark emotions, thinking about them, how they make me feel, reading everything I can find on them. Of course I found out that this is a very active area of psychology research, so there's a lot of material out there. I had not previously asked myself: "what do I think/feel about "shame", "guilt", "humiliation", "submission", etc. Now I write and think daily about these things. I feel like there was once something inside me that was slowly crushed to death and now I'm missing whatever that piece was. I doubt I will ever feel like normal people do, but at least I am beginning to know why.