NeedaName
Member
In the introductions, I talked about this stress that is just always there. I've been thinking about it for a few days now. Where is this stress coming from? I think it's because I'm do everything alone. There's a distance between me and everyone else and they don't even realize they can't support me because they're too far away to know me. Not that they aren't available now, but at one time the choice was to sort it out myself or fall apart. People know the person that I created that learned all their rules and is technically me, but detached from the inside. I'm at a safe distance on Dartmoor inside and very little can reach me here. It's like hiding in my parents closet even though I find it embarrassingly immature. The person I offer to the world is social, funny and rock solid and knows when to shut up. Not perfect, but doesn't stand out in a crowd. The tallest nail gets the hammer. Besides, I handle hardships better than the people around me.
I'm supposed to feel more for my family. It shouldn't be mostly head knowledge that I work to make real for them. I shouldn't feel this bland version of caring towards them and I owe them more of me than the token I offer. There isn't enough I could do for them to make up for it. But I'm not keen to join them. People experience extreme emotions that look truly disturbing. It's a little lonely and I get tired, but I am okay on my own.
Then I watch my kids try to be strong like me and I don't like it. When they're being themselves, I'm impressed with just how normal and healthy they are. My 3yo will burst out yelling that he's happy and do a crazy dance around my kitchen. And it's 100% real, he feels great. My 8yo will walk up to a rollercoaster, stand in line for awhile and come away too scared to go on it. She'll say that she's scared. And she's being 100% real with me. I'm seeing her and she's genuine. If my way is better, why do I want something different for them than I want for myself?
I come off as callous and I should be ashamed, but I'm practical. Aside from money, this is where I stray between deciding to go to therapy or not. I'm not always sure I need or want it. Is the trouble it really worth it? Is it beneficial or detrimental to my family? Would I be making their lives unstable in the process? I don't exactly have just the one can of worms and instead of improving myself for them, I might just make an emotional wreck of myself. Instead of a competent and stable parent and wife, what would I really be giving them? I grew up with a father with mental health problems, I'm not interested in offering them what I had. Withdrawing occassionally has got to be better than what I saw.
It's an awful lot to think about and sounds odd, but I'm wavering on looking into therapy next month. And this may be the scariest things I've ever written. :stiffdrink:
---------- Post Merged at 10:54 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:21 PM ----------
Wow, I'm feeling way too much anxiety about this post. Just a bunch of strangers and I feel physically ill. Handle stuff better than other people eh? Right now, that sounds like a massive joke. Feel free to laugh your arses off at me.
I'm supposed to feel more for my family. It shouldn't be mostly head knowledge that I work to make real for them. I shouldn't feel this bland version of caring towards them and I owe them more of me than the token I offer. There isn't enough I could do for them to make up for it. But I'm not keen to join them. People experience extreme emotions that look truly disturbing. It's a little lonely and I get tired, but I am okay on my own.
Then I watch my kids try to be strong like me and I don't like it. When they're being themselves, I'm impressed with just how normal and healthy they are. My 3yo will burst out yelling that he's happy and do a crazy dance around my kitchen. And it's 100% real, he feels great. My 8yo will walk up to a rollercoaster, stand in line for awhile and come away too scared to go on it. She'll say that she's scared. And she's being 100% real with me. I'm seeing her and she's genuine. If my way is better, why do I want something different for them than I want for myself?
I come off as callous and I should be ashamed, but I'm practical. Aside from money, this is where I stray between deciding to go to therapy or not. I'm not always sure I need or want it. Is the trouble it really worth it? Is it beneficial or detrimental to my family? Would I be making their lives unstable in the process? I don't exactly have just the one can of worms and instead of improving myself for them, I might just make an emotional wreck of myself. Instead of a competent and stable parent and wife, what would I really be giving them? I grew up with a father with mental health problems, I'm not interested in offering them what I had. Withdrawing occassionally has got to be better than what I saw.
It's an awful lot to think about and sounds odd, but I'm wavering on looking into therapy next month. And this may be the scariest things I've ever written. :stiffdrink:
---------- Post Merged at 10:54 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 10:21 PM ----------
Wow, I'm feeling way too much anxiety about this post. Just a bunch of strangers and I feel physically ill. Handle stuff better than other people eh? Right now, that sounds like a massive joke. Feel free to laugh your arses off at me.
