Is this considered abuse?

[Sophie Cecile]

I'm 15 and have never gotten along with my mom. She yells at me for everything and has told me at various times that I'm stupid, an embarrassment and a baby. When I talk to her about how the things she says hurts me, she gets really defensive and tells me to take responsibility for my own emotions, and to grow up. According to her I blame her for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I've tried so many ways to talk to her, but I never seem to get through to her and our fights end up getting really bad because I get so frustrated and upset. Our most recent fight got so bad that she tried to kick me out of the house.

If she hits me it's usually because I've hit her first or I'm in her way.

I have really bad anxiety and I am really scared of asking people for things because I'm afraid they'll yell at me, especially her.

I have been to see an array of psychologists and social workers and have done family counseling sessions with her, but nothing seems to help.

What can I do? I feel so helpless about this. Is this abuse?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It sounds like you are both being abusive to one another, verbally and sometimes physically.

Do you think if you stopped hitting your mother and started behaving more courteously and respectfully around her that she would change her behavior in that direction as well? When I'm talking to parents, I often say if you want teens to behave in respectful and responsible ways you should start treating them respectfully and as adults instead of childrem. I also give the same advice to teens who want to be treated with respect and courtesy by their parents.

 

[AmZ]

I think that what Dr Baxter is saying is very true. That doesn't take away however from the obvious difficult situation you are in, so you shouldn't feel too bad about it. I'm sure there are still many things that perhaps your mother is more to blame for and 'should' have or haven't done that may have caused you to react and act in certain ways... You know the old saying to treat others how you would like to be treated. Like I said before, it's not all black and white I know, and I'm not saying that it's all your fault and you should feel bad or something, but unfortunately it seems that you are as guilty as your mother is in some cases and have gone down to her level. I think that as difficult as it is, you need to rise up above that level and then she'll have nothing to come back at you on, because you wouldn't have done anything wrong. I think with the way it stands, nothing can change because both of you are victims and attackers/instigators, so it's a constant two way battle both ways around.

I'm not such a wise one for giving sound advice that all makes sense and holds the full truth necessarily, but I wanted to give my input as to what I see from what you posted.

I feel genuinely bad for you and your situation and can only recommend that you do all you can to try and make the effort on your side to change things for the better. As difficult as relationships can be with family members and as much that one can think that they'd be 'better off without them', you'd be surprised at how sometimes when it actually gets to that point, you want to be able to turn back and make things better and have that person in your life. If both you and your mother let this go on and on like this, the more damage is being done for both of you in the present and for the future also.

 

[Yuray]

I have been to see an array of psychologists and social workers and have done family counseling sessions with her, but nothing seems to help.

Have you and your mom been totally committed during these sessions, or are they just another venue to argue in, this time with a referee to support one or the other of you?

If your mother is calling you the names and remarks you have told us, yes, that is abusive (even if your actions may have warranted it)

As you have discerned in all of these responses, we are not buying into your mother being the the sole antagonist, and that is not a slight against you. You may not see your actions as being antagonistic.

Have a peek at this link.
http://www.google.ca/search?num=100...-v2&aql=&oq=mother+daughter+problems&gs_rfai=

 

[CarlaMarie]

I'm the Mom of a teenage daughter and it is a very difficult job to do. My daughter and I were once very close. Now that she is a teenager she needs to be her own person. Whenever I ever get a little close to her she get's angry with me. I realize it is because she needs space and I try to respect that but at the same time I still need to be involved. I still need to parent. She has been very disrespectful ,she has pushed me, she has gotten so mad she threw all canned goods out of my pantry. It is better now since we figured out how to handle it (consequences). I know what's going on. My baby is growing up. I love her from a distance for now. And take her phone and privileges if need to. I deserve to be treated with respect. I hope things get better for you. Relationships are hard.

 

[Sophie Cecile]

I appreciate all of your comments and helpful insights but what frustrates me is that often people seem to think that this is unique to just me and her, when she acts this way to my dad and most of our extended family.

One social worker I saw, as well as her sister-my aunt are convinced she has asperger's syndrome, which could be contributing to some of the problems, but It just bothers me that people have told me that I have to be the one to disengage. I know it's what I have to do, but I wanna be a kid! I don't want to have to be refereeing my mom's interactions with my friends, nor do I want to have to be the one to up and leave when things get heated between us.

As far back as I can remember my mom has acted this way towards me, my first memory of her was her yelling at me when I was about 3 years old (I couldn't have been older because we hadn't moved to our new house yet, which we did right before I turned 4) about how I had soiled myself. I played violin from age 5-12, and from 8 years of age I had expressed the need to quit, but any time I would bring the subject up she would guilt me and play games with me to frustrate me into submission. I think a lot of my problems with her now stem from this time because I had to practise with her every day without fail or I would "face serious consequences". In short that who experience was a loooooooong nightmare.

I admit, you can't have a one-sided argument, but I honestly don't think I am a disrespectful person.

I've written and re-written this post a lot, and I have no idea what my original point was, but hopefully some sense can be made of it

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think the advice you're getting is not so much about whether you're disresepctful or not, or even who's at fault. It's more about the reality that you can't change her; all you can do is change yourself and the way you react to her.

 

[CarlaMarie]

I am sorry that happens with your Mom. It can be very frustrating when you don't get what you want or need from your Mom. It's hard to be a teenager and harder if your parents have issues. What would you want your Mom to be like if she were different? What is missing? Just curious.

 

[Sophie Cecile]

If I could change my mom I'd just want her to stop criticizing me so much, and then denying it by telling me to "take responsibility" when it's obvious that I'm not making what I say to her up.
I'd just love it if she would stop obsessing about how great the dog is and he he's a "high-performance athlete", and how everything revolves around the dog.
It's frustrating as hell.

 

[CarlaMarie]

Let's pretend for a minute that your Mom really does have one of the disorder's like asbergers. Do you understand what that means? They don't mean what they say or say what they mean. They lack social skills. What can you do? Spot it. There it is. Make a decision about where you want to go with it. Disengagment is a wonderful tool. It is no fun to be critisized. It sounds like you have people who are responsive to you and what you need. Hang out with them. I wonder what would happen if you talked to your Mom about her dog? What would happen if you just tried what people suggested and if you don't like it you get you can go back to the old way? Just sharing my thoughts.

 

[MoGlow]

I'm 15 and have never gotten along with my mom. She yells at me for everything and has told me at various times that I'm stupid, an embarrassment and a baby. When I talk to her about how the things she says hurts me, she gets really defensive and tells me to take responsibility for my own emotions, and to grow up. According to her I blame her for everything that goes wrong in my life.

I've tried so many ways to talk to her, but I never seem to get through to her and our fights end up getting really bad because I get so frustrated and upset. Our most recent fight got so bad that she tried to kick me out of the house.

If she hits me it's usually because I've hit her first or I'm in her way.

I have really bad anxiety and I am really scared of asking people for things because I'm afraid they'll yell at me, especially her.

I have been to see an array of psychologists and social workers and have done family counseling sessions with her, but nothing seems to help.

What can I do? I feel so helpless about this. Is this abuse?

I understand. I never hit my mother, but she used slap and punch me. I detached from her as much as possible while still managing to receive food and clothing and shelter from her. A school counselor who was friendly and empathetic, begged my mother to go to family counseling with me, but she refused. I think you need to not be like her by hitting her back. IMO, it's best to not allow her to force you to be like her. It's difficult I know. Can you talk to a school counselor? They can help, and if your mother is too physically abusive, and it is obvious, sometimes they can have you put into a group home, at least in the U.S. Also, it may be tempting to verbally abuse her back, when she insults you but, do not do it. You will bring yourself down to her level. I am trying to remind myself that my mother is mentally ill, when she verbally abuses me. It helps to a great degree.