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I have gone through a hell of 18 months f therapy that made me worse. I'm trying to get an insight and closure of what happened and is it normal what I experienced in a therapy relationship?

I apologise its long, but I would highly appreciate if I receive a response from you.

So here it goes.

I felt what I was experiencing wasn't right in therapy. I recalled starting therapy mid last year with a student therapist who was finishing there masters off.

So around November last year I asked them are they leaving? they said "yes" I asked "why" and my psychotherapist told me "because my wife doesn't like me doing psychotherapy ". I notice he was really sad when he mentioned this, I didn't know what to say. It felt really awkward. The reason I asked is because I already had 4 therapist since I was ten that have left.

Anyway, I recalled at the beginning stages of therapy they told me they were going to build apartments. But in my country it takes a whole YEAR for the council to accept anything, so my psychotherapist decided to stay. So that event caused a lot of stress.

I knew my psychotherapist will leave but I didn't know when, which was unsettling for me. Especially someone who experience Borderline Personality Disorder traits as well I suffer from OCD. When ever I asked my psychotherapist when I got anxious he was going to" leave" my psychotherapist would tell me he won't leave and said I can go with them and they will give me discount and that there supervisor agreed I should go with them. They mention to me they like working with people who have borderline personality disorder. That's what I was told over and over again until last week.

So this year so around October my psychotherapist and key worker where waiting for my psychiatrist to come back from holiday to decide if it's ok for me to go with my psychotherapist since the psychotherapist is leaving the public health system. About 2 weeks ago I believe my psychotherapist told me they cant see me in one week for what ever reason. I then wrote a letter of things that upset me and I thought it needed to be sorted out. Things such as when he told me I was manipulative. That I should make a funeral for a mum I didn't have.

About November last year he kept telling me he wasn't a good enough therapist to me and that maybe that's how the other therapist felt and my partner. I felt terrible guilty and I ended up self harming myself. Because I felt I was a bad person.

Another example was how there was this person that told me ,they don't want to have kids and I told my psychotherapist this and how it bothered me. And how I don't why it bothered me. My psychotherapist said to me "I don't know either, maybe she reminds you of your mum, maybe your mum shouldn't have had kids"

I also told them I struggle to live at home with my mum and sister and they suggested I should get a tent and camp outside the house.

Also when I went through the love transference.

I told them how I did my own research and its common with people with BPD to look up there therapist online. My psychotherapist said to me "It was scary" I felt really bad. I didn't mean to scare my therapist and I didn't know what was going on in that time.

Another example they told me they wrote on their notes even if they saw me seven days a week it wouldn't be enough.

In one situation I was telling something to my psychotherapist that was distressing about an incident that happened during the week. He gave no eye contact and was mainly looking at his hands cleaning his nails. I asked "Are you bored"? Eventually he told me that he was trying to get me to sit with the emotions, instead of telling stories. I felt really hurt and dismissed, what I was telling him that was distressing for me was not "stories."

He went on to say that he was "experimenting" which made me feel like a guinea pig.

That's only a few examples that been said.

I have spoken to my psychotherapist about it before but I never felt it was solved. He would say things such as "I'm human" or "how many times have we gone over this" or "we already spoken about this"

Anyway I gave the letter to my key worker then they gave it to my psychotherapist.

So, just last week I went to my appointment to see my psychotherapist. My therapist was 15 mins late and then he came in and he put the letter on the table and said "we already spoken about this" and told me next week will be our last session. I wasn't told advance or knew anything. It was completely a slap on the face. It literally felt a force ending that I wasn't ready for.

I mention to them on the session when they told me next week is the last session. "But you told me that if say you had a year one year of therapy you have a month of the transition and then he said yes we did organise it and waiting for the psychiatrist.

But it never happened, no talking about it. Anything.

I left the session crying in the car and unable to drive home. The following days was self harm and my partner ended up ringing my key worker out of concern I will commit suicide.

I be honest I never have felt more than determine to end my life since this experience with this psychotherapist. It has affected me so greatly I find it difficult to even trust another therapist or even approach therapy. I have literally lost my faith in therapy.

I didn't show up the last session.

My psychotherapist rang that day. I called them back since I was out.

They said they were surprised I didn't show up and they brought cake and milk shakes. I mentioned how I didn't go because I was scared I will kill myself. They said "so you were trying to protect yourself"

I said to them I was under the impression I was going with you to your private practice and I get discount. They told me that still stands. But I never got the details of there private practice. My psychotherapist told me since beginning of therapy that they were here for 2 years.

(I'm thinking but then why did you told me this year that the public health system accept you in this year? And why mentioned the apartments etc. )

They claim they told me they were going to leave in 3 weeks time. In no way did I recall them telling me this.

I'm good at remembering conversations word by word. Even my partner said if my psychotherapist did said that to me he was staying for 2 years or gonna leave 3 weeks. I would be anxious not knowing what to do.

They kept saying don't you remember? I was under the impression you knew.

I felt so angry and so I told them this which is true "I saw 3 professional psychologist and you know what they told me, you not ready to work in private practice "

I then hang up and never heard from him again.

I have confused feelings. At times I feel sad I never see him again... or I feel guilty cause they brought milk shake and cakes. At times I'm angry. I cry everyday what happened.

I don't know whats wrong with me. When I say walk in the mall I thought I see him but just some other guy.

Whats going on? Any advice or insight ?

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I'm a bit confused about who all the people in your post are. Is the psychotherapist the person who left to start private private practice? Or is that a different person? Is the student therapist the same person as the one who you call your psychotherapist? Or a different person?

One of the downsides to working with therapists in a public system (I assume that's your situation) is people do move on to other positions... and in a training setting students do participate in supervised practice and internships, and those positions also do come to an end sooner or later.

It would seem that the transition from one therapist to another was handled as well as it might have been, or you misunderstood what the plan was for the transition.

But what is most important is what do you comes next? What comes next for you?

Do you have any one looking after your counseling or psychotherapy now at all? The psychiatrist? Your "key worker" (I'm not sure what that is)?

Can you resume contact with your workers and with the psychiatrist to find out what your options are for resuming for resuming therapy?
I am sorry you are feeling so frightened and worried about what will be happen but try to trust the therapist will do what is best for YOU. It does hurt to be pushed aside again and again but if this therapist says he will stay with you then try to trust those words.
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