Issue with a woman wanting to be a friend

[heatherly]

I ask myself if I am being too sensitive here.

My husband may have lung cancer, and so this is really bothering me. I met a woman who at times seems to be warm and concerned, but then she becomes flippant. She asked me about the results of my husband's test, and I said that I didn't know anything yet, and she replied, "He either has cancer or he doesn't." This being said in a flippant manner. This really bugged me. She suggested I get on Celexa if I get depressed. So I got some from my doctor just in case. I tried one pill, and it gave me diarrhea, headache, ear pain and then finally nausea. She called, and I told her about it and she said, again, in a flippant tone. You probably can't take any anti-depressants. You will just have to be depressed."

My gut feeling is to get away from her, but then I question whether I am too sensitive.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I would go with your gut. You don't need that negativity in your life especially now. I'm sorry about your husband possibly having lung cancer.

 

[heatherly]

Thank you Cat Dancer. I will go with my gut. Something tells me that I don't have a choice here because it is a gut feeling, and when I get that, I can't do otherwise, if that makes sense. Just sometimes people say I am too sensitive.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Heatherly, the side-effects you describe are often temporary and decrease and then stop within a week or two. Additionally, Celexa may not be the best medication for you and it's not necessarily the case that trying something else would cause any side-effects at all for you.

But the primary question for me is why this woman is suggesting medication at all for you, especially a specific medication? Is she a doctor or a nurse? And more importantly do you think you are depressed? Are you experiencing any symptoms of depression?

 

[heatherly]

hi, thanks david. i am not depressed, but if the dr. says my husband is going to die, i imagine i will be. that woman is not a nurse or anything. just said that she was depressed and celexa helped her. i went to my family dr. and told him my situation and he suggested this drug. i am using positive thinking to not get depressed and hoping for the best. just that my husband has a cavity in his lung, and it isn't fungus or TB. nurse only said it was an unidentified organism.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There is a significant and important difference between grief and depression.

 

[heatherly]

That is true. But many years ago I suffered from depression, 12 or 13 years. it was horrible, and i always fear that it can return. i beat it by learning positive thinking, and that within a month or so. i used positive mantras that i repeated all day long to myself.

 

[heatherly]

This woman is still bothering me when I go to church. I managed to not sit by her, but after church she comes over and asks me how I am and how is my husband, but instead of making flippant remarks she is asking in a voice that makes me feel that I am about to fall apart. I can't describe it. But it makes me want to run. I called her when I knew that she was at work and and told her husband that my husband didn't have cancer and that he would be okay. My husband doesn't think that this will work; I don't either. (I have no idea if he will be okay because the dr. says it is either a bacterial lung infection or fungus.) I seem to always be running from groups because of certain comments people make. And I don't want to blast away at her because she is who she is, and others would hear me, which is why I often run away. Any ideas?

 

[forgetmenot]

Can you j ust tell her calmly that your husbands health is his personal information and you do not feel comfortable sharing it If she is making you uncomfortable set the boundaries now with her ok. Your husbands health is not up for discussion

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Or if she inquires about how he is doing, just say, "Fine" and leave it at that.

 

[heatherly]

i did that twice to her last sunday. i will keep doing it, but the way she asks is really bugging me.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Yes, some people are just nosy and feel they have some sort of god-given right to information. Those people are wrong. Disclose what you want and don't allow yourself to be pressured or provoked into going any further than that.

 

[heatherly]

I have been thinking of just saying, "I realize I should not have brought this up at church, so I really don't want to talk about it anymore. Call me and I will tell you." Which would be me saying I am fine again. I am beginning to feel stalked, and yet she isn't really stalking me. Just that twice she and her husband sat behind me, and she had to ask me both times how I was, and so I sat elsewhere and she waited for me, and then I told her that all was okay, then she came to the coffee room and asked the same thing, but in a condescending way as if she expects me to fall apart. I realize that there are people who make you feel weak, and she is one of them. I prefer those who say that I am strong and can handle it. But yes, while I know I am not paranoid, it feels like stalking but really isn't. The second time she sat behind me, I was freaked inside. I sat thinking about all the times I was young and dated men and wanted to leave but didn't get up and go home, except for once when I left the guy and my meal and took a bus home. So after communion, I just walked out of church.

 

[heatherly]

I finally got over this one. I called her on the phone and told her that my husband doesn't have cancer, which is true, that it is just an infection and he will get better, and this is hopefully true. So this Sunday she came to my table after church and was grateful that he was okay, so I asked her to sit down by me. What I realize what was bothering me so much is that the way she treated me could make me break down and cry in public if I had gotten real bad news. Now I know better to not tell her any of my business. and that means being very superficial.