My husband and I are thinking about adopting two children who were exposed to meth in the womb. We have several questions regarding this.
There are actually 6 children, 1 just graduated from high school so is not in the foster care system. The oldest girl is 16 and has been living with her boyfriend's grandmother since a little before the other children were taken into foster care. The other four children, three girls aged 13, 8, and 6 and a boy almost 3 are all in a foster home together. All these children are our nieces and nephews but we rarely ever see them since we live in a different state. It does not appear that the parents are making any progress in even trying to get off the drugs and they aren't consistent in visiting the children. It looks as though the children will be put up for adoption within the next few months. All the children were exposed to meth in the womb. All the children have witnessed their parents doing drugs. At least the three youngest children were taken from drug house to drug house with the mother over the course of two months, sometimes sleeping in campers or on the floor of nasty houses. Essentially, they've been exposed to a lot of things to which children should not be exposed. As far as we can tell, there was no sexual abuse but there is no way to be completely sure.
My sister in law has said she will take all the children. They also do some drugs and this bothers me but they do have jobs. On one hand it would be nice to have all four of the children together but, on the other hand, she has two young children of her own. This would make 6 children for her. They live in a two bedroom house with one bathroom. 2 of my brother's in law routinely stay there so the total in that house would be as few as 8 and as many as 10. The children love them and want to live with them because they live nearby and see them regularly. My sister in law and I have been discussing splitting the children up since she doesn't feel she can give that many children the individual attention they need- my husband and I would take the two youngest and she and her husband would take the two oldest. I'm concerned about the mental health of the 6 year old. She misses her mom and dad and just doesn't understand what is going on. She thinks some day her mom and dad will come pick them all up from foster care and they will all be together again (this will never happen). I'm concerned how damaging it might be for her to be separated from her sisters since they have relied on each other all their lives. We do intend to purchase video phones and have one at our house and one at my sister in law's house so the kids can "see" each other any time they want. However, I'm not sure that is enough. It is a 13 hour drive from our house to theirs so they would probably only really see each other a couple times a year. Also, none of the children really know us. We are just the Aunt and Uncle that send them nice presents at Christmas. How damaging do you think this would be on her mental health? She would get a lot of love and attention with us as my family is very close but, is that enough?
With regards to the little boy, he's bonded very well with the foster mother and seems pretty resilient. However, I'm not sure how he will deal coming from a family where 4 girls were always playing with him and looking after him (he's a tad needy). We've also considered just taking the little boy so that the girls could stay together. This might be a shock to him since he's used to having many children around and suddenly he would be an only child. He'd get a ton of attention but it's not the same as having other kids always there to play with. What do you think?
Also, they seem to all be relatively normal kids but they have been exposed to drugs. They seem to be developmentally on track right now. Will affects of the drugs show up later? Or would they have already shown up by now?
We want the best situation possible for these children. I think they need some extra positive adult attention and we can give that to them but we can't take all 4 children. Is it more harmful for them to be split up (2 and 2) and placed in loving homes that have the time, money, and space to give them everything they need but not be together? Or is it more important to keep them together?
Thanks a lot.
There are actually 6 children, 1 just graduated from high school so is not in the foster care system. The oldest girl is 16 and has been living with her boyfriend's grandmother since a little before the other children were taken into foster care. The other four children, three girls aged 13, 8, and 6 and a boy almost 3 are all in a foster home together. All these children are our nieces and nephews but we rarely ever see them since we live in a different state. It does not appear that the parents are making any progress in even trying to get off the drugs and they aren't consistent in visiting the children. It looks as though the children will be put up for adoption within the next few months. All the children were exposed to meth in the womb. All the children have witnessed their parents doing drugs. At least the three youngest children were taken from drug house to drug house with the mother over the course of two months, sometimes sleeping in campers or on the floor of nasty houses. Essentially, they've been exposed to a lot of things to which children should not be exposed. As far as we can tell, there was no sexual abuse but there is no way to be completely sure.
My sister in law has said she will take all the children. They also do some drugs and this bothers me but they do have jobs. On one hand it would be nice to have all four of the children together but, on the other hand, she has two young children of her own. This would make 6 children for her. They live in a two bedroom house with one bathroom. 2 of my brother's in law routinely stay there so the total in that house would be as few as 8 and as many as 10. The children love them and want to live with them because they live nearby and see them regularly. My sister in law and I have been discussing splitting the children up since she doesn't feel she can give that many children the individual attention they need- my husband and I would take the two youngest and she and her husband would take the two oldest. I'm concerned about the mental health of the 6 year old. She misses her mom and dad and just doesn't understand what is going on. She thinks some day her mom and dad will come pick them all up from foster care and they will all be together again (this will never happen). I'm concerned how damaging it might be for her to be separated from her sisters since they have relied on each other all their lives. We do intend to purchase video phones and have one at our house and one at my sister in law's house so the kids can "see" each other any time they want. However, I'm not sure that is enough. It is a 13 hour drive from our house to theirs so they would probably only really see each other a couple times a year. Also, none of the children really know us. We are just the Aunt and Uncle that send them nice presents at Christmas. How damaging do you think this would be on her mental health? She would get a lot of love and attention with us as my family is very close but, is that enough?
With regards to the little boy, he's bonded very well with the foster mother and seems pretty resilient. However, I'm not sure how he will deal coming from a family where 4 girls were always playing with him and looking after him (he's a tad needy). We've also considered just taking the little boy so that the girls could stay together. This might be a shock to him since he's used to having many children around and suddenly he would be an only child. He'd get a ton of attention but it's not the same as having other kids always there to play with. What do you think?
Also, they seem to all be relatively normal kids but they have been exposed to drugs. They seem to be developmentally on track right now. Will affects of the drugs show up later? Or would they have already shown up by now?
We want the best situation possible for these children. I think they need some extra positive adult attention and we can give that to them but we can't take all 4 children. Is it more harmful for them to be split up (2 and 2) and placed in loving homes that have the time, money, and space to give them everything they need but not be together? Or is it more important to keep them together?
Thanks a lot.