I've let you all down!

[Lonewolf]

Im sorry! I have had overwhelming urges to s/h recently and tonight, i caved in!! Im writing this because this is the only distraction i can think of right now that might work! I have taken my meds but that was hours ago and they don't seem to be kicking in yet! Is there anyone out there that chat for a while just to help keep me distracted?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You're not letting anyone here down, reeper. You may well be letting yourself down.

What has worked for you in trying to resist these urges in the past? Have you tried any of those things today?

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi reeper im sorry you are suffering so tonight anything that has triggered this.

I am glad you are reaching out here keep talking ok What help me is to get away from place you self harm ok throw away your tools and go for a walk or pick up phone and talk to someone. You are not letting us down hun not at all but as said hun you are letting you down. You deserve kindness so please be kind to you ok do something that will bring you joy not harm

 

[MHealthJo]

Hey Reeper... hope you are feeling a little better now... Good job making the effort to look around for something to distract you. xx

 

[Cat Dancer]

Hope you're doing better. If you look in our anxiety forum or the self injury forum there are some stickies there with some things that might help you next time this happens. Some ways to deal with stress and self harm urges.

Self-Injury

Anxiety and Stress

 

[Lonewolf]

maybe you are right, maybe it is only me im letting down? maybe its only me im hurting? But it is only me!! (and i deserve it!)

 

[Cat Dancer]

No. You don't deserve to be hurt.

 

[Lonewolf]

:tearyeyed:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Are you feeling badly again? I am thinking of you and hope that you will feel better soon.

 

[MHealthJo]

Me too!

 

[Lonewolf]

im so sorry! please don't be kind to me, it breaks my heart!! (sorry, i don't mean to sound ungrateful)

 

[MHealthJo]

But we have to though hun, because that will gradually help you learn how to be kind to yourself, and how good it feels, and that you deserve it. And gradually help you say no to situations where people are unkind to you.

Those things are part of what will help you feel good instead of bad, so they are important.

Plus, wasn't your friend kind to you?

Its important to seek out some goodness and kindness.

 

[Lonewolf]

yes, my best friend was very kind caring to me, but look what happened to him!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Whatever happened to him did not happen because he was kind and caring.

 

[Lonewolf]

no, but i feel responsible! Anyone that gets close to me seems to suffer the consequences!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Has there been someone else who suffered a negative consequence of being close to you?

 

[Lonewolf]

I lived in a hostel for a while and i was in a friends' room once. He was having a nap. I was drinking and watching TV! After a few hours i tried to wake him and soon realised he wasn't asleep at all! I don't know how long he had been like that!
It went to coroners court and it turned out that he took a lethal overdose!(i didn't know) I ended up in hospital! I have never forgotten this event and haven't really been able to talk about it!! I should have known!! I might have been able to save him! If i'd have been around for my friend that died recently, i might have been able to save him? Everywhere i go, i seem to leave a trail of disaster!!!

 

[forgetmenot]

He made a chose his chose hun nothing to do with you ok
I know what your feeling hun i too often say if i was just there if i had reached out my bro would be alive but that is the past now. You hun did not know so you could not have helped him Im sorry this happen to you. You are not responsible in any way for his death

 

[Lonewolf]

mg: :facepalm:I just can't forgive myself lol!! For losing both of those good friends like that!! It hurts! It makes me feel so overwhelmed when i get the very strong urges to kill myself because of those experiences, but sometimes, i just want to be with them, i don't want to be alone anymore. i also get trumendous guilt for wanting to do it because i've seen it from the other side!! very confusing for me!! There's alot of guilt inside and alot of bad feelings!!

 

[MHealthJo]

Please realise both of these events had absolutely nothing to do with you, Reeper. We cannot control whether other people live or die, or their choices. We just can't. Even amazing doctors or emergency workers often cannot save people or cannot be somewhere at thet right particular moment, or do not realise something that is happening, or what decision to make.

There is just no reason to think that someone is in danger if they look like they are napping. And you are not responsible for someone elses decision.

Unless you have children, you are only responsible for looking after yourself, Reeper, only you.

I am so sorry that these sad random things happened though. What you need is a hug, and you deserve no blame of any kind. I am sorry that you have got blamed for things wrongly before. It makes things really confusing and makes you blame yourself when you shouldn't, and makes you think things are strangely to do with you when they are not. xox.