Jealousy and Rage... messing up my relationship

[jwfoster32]

Hi there...
New to the forum, my first posting in fact.

I'm recently seperated from my boyfriend. I have nobody to blame but myself.? I love this guy so much and miss him even more.

We started dating about 5? months ago.? It was WONDERFUL, caring, loving, nurturing all the things you'd want.? About mid December I lost my job...It hit very hard.? I started looking every day to no avail (until recently).? Anyway, during this time he was so suportive and encouraging.? But my moods became UNBEARABLE.? We'd go out to a club, I'd have a couple of drinks and that would be it!? I would get jealous of him talking with other guys.? I would be clingy.? I started arguments over NOTHING!? Basically I was a COMLETE jerk.? We did this for several weeks.? We'd argue, not talk for a couple of days, he'd forgive me and then pick up where we left off.? But then we'd go out again and I'd freak about something else.

This last time he just couldn't take it anymore.? He said he needs time to figure out what he needs and if we should even attempt trying again.? I need to be NORMAL again.? I need to get this under control.? I need to figure out what the heck my problem is.? Any help you folks can offer is soooo appreciated.

Thanks >> Jeff

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hmmm... I just finished posting a reply to your post and forgot to hit "Post" beforfe clicking on another notification link... let's try again.

You've just be dealt a blow to your self-concept, your self-confidence, and your self-esteem in the loss of your job. Arguably, many of us define ourselves too strongly by what we do instead of who we are but nonetheless it is a shock and a stressful one at that to anyone to be suddenly unemployed.

It seems that you are reactring to the stress in ways which bring out your anger and your insecurities - about yourself and about your relationship. It also seems that drinking while you are struggling with these feelings and issues is a very bad idea for you - it brings out the worst instead of the best and it obviously isn't helping your situation at all.

What about starting by acknowledging and taking responsibility for the fact that you have been reacting badly and treating your boyfriend poorly? And then asking for his patience and his help in trying to change that while you work through all of this?

I expect a counselor could help you with some of the issues but given that you are unemployed that may not be an option...

 

[jwfoster32]

Dr. Baxter,

My god have you hit the nail on the head!? After this last argument and subsequent separation; there are some steps that I took (following a look at what the frig I was doing).
I put myself on the "wagon" as far as drinking
I agreed to make sure I wasn't in social situations where I KNEW he would be.? It hurts too much to see him right now.
I've looked into Catholic Family Services.? They have a "sliding scale" payment for therapy sessions.
I started back at the gym -- daily.
I also started a journal.? Resolved myself to creating entries whenever I am feeling stressed.? I figure it's a medium for getting the stuff outta my system and not bottling it up.? ?


There is a bit of history/background about myself and our relationship that I have been examining.? I am trying to determine it's overall significance and bearing on how I have been reacting to this point.? It has gotten a bit, lengthy?I apologize.

I'm 32 (33 in a couple of weeks) and have had a few significant? relationships in my time.? My longest was 4 years long.? In looking at all of them, each ended poorly and I can say (with a bit of confidence) that it wasn't by actions.? The 4 significant relationships ened as follows:
The First -- He started seeing someone else 2 months after we moved in together
The Second -- He just stopped calling, coming around...discovered later that he had also found someone else while we were together
The Thrid (the 4 year one) -- This was an on again, off again, on again thing.? Started out very "chill" and relaxed, until we lived together.? At that point the control issues started.? He wanted to know what I was doing at all times, would threaten to leave me....if I didn't sucumb to his wishes, as a resolution to ANY arguement. It was an emotional rollercoaster.? I was CONSTANTLY being compared to his ex. I left that relationship feeling like I was not worthy of another's affections.? I was a good 18 months before I even CONSIDERED dating anyone.
The Fourth -- We dated for about 9 months, all through it we took "breaks"...as per his requests.? Each time was the same issue, he wasn't sure about what type/level of relationship he wanted from "Us"...it was heart wrenching each time.

After the last one, I moved from Boston to NYC...and simply sunk myself into my work.? Over working and staying busy has ALWAYS been my defense mechanism for dealing with issues.? I recently moved to upstate NY, closer to my family.? I had no intention of becoming involved with anyone.? Just be here, get myself together and better establish my relationship with my family.

Then I met Steve (that is his name, by the way).? It was an odd meeting.? I was at the ONLY gay club in the area.? He was flirting with ... I was flirting back.? We ended up hooking up that night.? The next day we exchanged numbers and started talking for a few weeks after that.? I remained kinda of distant -- emotionally for the first several weeks.? Initially treating it as a casual fling or something.? It was going very well, I was extremely happy.? The frequency of our get togethers was not a daily thing.? This was for a couple of reasons.? I was living in my parent's guest house while looking for a place of my own, Steve never felt comfortable being that close to possibly running into my folks...he felt awkward about it.? Any "over-nighters" would be at his place.
After a while, we found ourselves specifically making time for one another ? dinners, movies, etc. I found a place and the frequency of our get togethers increased.? There was one night that we were out and some guy was flirting with Steve.? Steve laughed and shrugged it off by putting his arm around me.? The guy asked?.?So what? Is that your boyfriend or something??? Steve?? ?You?ll need to ask him??I turned around (with Cheshire Grin) and said.. ?Yes, I am.?? I felt so confident and wonderful in saying that.

The next few months were GREAT!? Going out, having fun, social occasions, at no point was drinking (or even over drinking to an extent) an issue?the entire ?package? was wonderful!

At one point we did have a conversation about two things:
He was noticing that I tend to cling.? I like to be with him and YES, I am a clinger?I am very tactile and affectionate.? He felt/feels a level of discomfort with public affection.? He said that he probably wouldn?t say it overtly?but rather expect me to be ?psychic? about his feeling uncomfortable.?

He asked what my opinion of three-somes was.? I didn?t really have one.? I NEVER considered it as an option while in a relationship.? He asked if I would, so long as we both discussed and agreed upon the ?options?.? I hesitantly agreed.? We had our first three-some that night.? Admittedly it was a lot of fun?something new.? It never turned into anything of a regular nature.? In fact our sex life in general was GREAT, just the two of us.

Then things started to happen on a down ward slope.?

I lost my job and suddenly had a TON of extra time on my hands.? I was looking furiously for a new position and nothing in this area was panning out.? My stress levels were increasing on a daily basis.? I turned to Steve for the extra emotional support I needed.? He seemed very understanding of the situation.

I noticed that I was spending almost every day with him.? I started to assume that we were getting together whenever he wasn?t working or had free time.? He started to become quiet and a bit withdrawn.? Our sex life quieted down quite a bit as well.? This of course got my mind rolling >> and now I had plenty of time to think (obsess) about it. I started to think the worst?that there was someone else he was getting it from (there wasn?t BTW).? If we weren?t physically together, I would text or IM him regularly.? Then the social situations started deteriorating, we?d go out?.I was getting clingier than ever.? He?d ask me to stop and I would get annoyed.? We?d end up arguing about it.? He would ask why I was being so clingy.? He said I was starting to act oddly, like I was jealous or paranoid of other people he was talking with.? At first I thought he was nuts?but he was right.? After an argument, we would talk about it, he would tell me he refuses to deal with a person that is going to act in that manner?especially when there is no reason for it.? I would promise to ?chill out? and be normal.? Alas, it would rear it?s ugly head.? But it would ONLY be when we were out.

At one point he stated that ?going out? was his social outlet.? He has a crazy schedule between both work and school.? He likes to just go and ?socialize?, chat with different people.? That we spent all the other free time together, there was no need to be joined at the hip 24/7.? He also suggested that perhaps we could go out separately on occasion.

There was an evening when we did just that.? I made plans and when he called I let him know what MY plans were and asked if he had any.? He said considering going to a town close by (Ithaca NY) to their club.? I was ok cool?I?ll talk to you later?have a good time.? Half way through the evening, I sent him a text, ?How is it there??.? He replied, ?It?s ok?I got lost on the way though?.? I thought that was kind of weird, only because at one point in his life he had lived in Ithaca and it was a very direct route to getting there. I also knew that bars closed at 1am there and it would take about 45 minutes to get back to Binghamton.? I called him about 1:30?no answer.? Sent him a text?no answer.? I was getting a little nervous.? I left the club here at 2:30 and proceeded home.? I called him again?he answered.? I asked him if he had made it home ok.? ?I?m just leaving now? he said.? ?Oh?? I thought the bars closed at 1 in Ithaca??? His reply, ?Well I?m not in Ithaca?I went to Pennsylvania instead.?? I was like ?WHAT? So I was texting you, asking about how things were in Ithaca and you were in PA the entire time?? Why didn?t you ever mention that??? He told me that he didn?t feel as though he needed to and that as a 26 year old adult, he does not report his whereabouts to his mother and he didn?t intend to do so with me.? I was FURIOUS!? I felt that he had been elusive about the entire evening?to the point of almost lying about it.? I felt like he never had planned on Ithaca at all.? We ended up having a huge fight over the phone.? The next few days were silent on either end.? He then stopped by and asked if we could talk.? He said that he was extremely disappointed and didn?t know how to proceed.? We talked for several hours.? He let me know that he was feeling as though I am controlling and over bearing?two things he really couldn?t deal with and wouldn?t!? We ended up agreeing to one last shot and that if an explosion like that were to happen again, we would both walk away and attempt to salvage some type of friendship.? He said that 90% of? our relationship HE LOVED, it was this 10% he couldn?t deal with and was causing far too many issues.

So a couple of week pass and YES?another blow up.? Putting us where we are now ? not together.? We both stated that we love each other, but these issues keep coming up and we just? keep going in circles.? As far as I can see, the issues reside with ME.? I need to figure out how to control myself and be a sane and rational person again.? I?ve never such issues with my temper in the past.? I NEED to get this under control.? I don?t want to loose him, he has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.? I love him so much. I really feel as though we can be great together.? Have a good life, one of mutual respect.? He says he wants to be with me, but he feels he cannot while I figure this stuff out and get my head on straight.? I really need to resolve my issues?if not for the possibility of reconciling my relationship with Steve, than for my own sanity.

Jeff

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I think the last part is key: You need to do this for you, not for him.

In any relationship, there needs to be sufficient space to allow both individuals to BE individuals. You do not cease to be your self when you enter a relationship. A couple is two individual people, not one entity. It seems that in your distress you became more than needy - you became someone who needed almost to own your boyfriend's life and time. He doesn't seem to have had any personal space at all and that's what he reacted to, at first in subtle ways and then more aggressively when that didn't work.