Jealousy or Insecurity

[charlie42]

Hi -
My wife has a guy friend she has been friends with since junior high. She indicates their relationship is like a brother/sister type relationship. She indicates that when she was between relationships they were about to kiss and its like no, we can't go there it wouldn't be right...

We are celebrating our anniversary soon.. almost newlyweds yet. I remember my wife back in high school behind closed doors working next door giggly laughing and with other guys. I don't know what went behind those closed doors other than what I heard, but I was envious and wanted it to be me... I wanted to go out with her then, but she was going with someone and then that guy threated my life... I value my life, we just talk when we can. (I also took a marriage class in hs, and she was the one I talked through the questions/answers with) At the time too, we she and I were able to talk about anything... that is our greatest strength. Per marriage testing we had done, and I just can do in depth conversation with her... 20+ years later, I run into her.. gave her my card and number and a year later she gives me a call and we go out, 9 months later we get married... I can't remember being more happy even through the frustrations we have.

The other night, I lost my cool because this guy was "flicking" her and putting on a birthday cap and giving her a hard time. Flicking is using the middle finger and like pecking at the arm/shoulder/leg, wherever... It was a milestone party 40... No way did she give him that hard a time at his... but he was giving it to her alright. I asked him to stop it. He didn't and continued on... It didnt bother her, nor does it bother her... It appeared to me she was getting upset with it. (I had not been drinking, he had). I lost my cool when I told him to stop it "knock it off"... Everybody else at the gathering knows that this guy is like this... I do too, but to me it is like fingernails on a chalkboard.. it is annoying as heck, and gets very old very fast... to me that is. He also does it to her daughter(I have no kids, she has 3, 2boys, girl). The other guy is a divorcee no kids... but he like grew up with her and has been friends forever... even with her ex.

I went out of the house, as I needed to cool off. Apparently, I made quite the scene, because I even told him that people would think there is something between the two of them when they go out alone. He is now very self conscious of this. (My wife likes to go out and she says she gets her energy from this...) I like to stay home and get my energy from that, but I will go out with her. As of late, I have been taking more time for myself. I tell her to go out... she goes out with this guy though to the bar and to his place afterwards.. they say nothing goes on... Mon-Fri we work... she works alot at home and thus wants to get outta the house. Me, I work outside the home, and then want to stay home... On the weekends, what I call Fri-Sat nite we would go out... 7/8 sometimes more we would see either this guy out/at our house/or go to her other friends house(where the gathering was).. Rarely, extremely rare do we do something by ourselves, as our budget is tight, or go to my parents, or my sibs... I don't have the close friendships she has, but nor do I really call, as I am last minute by nature and really truly, I want to spend the time with my wife alone than with others... I dont want to share her with anyone except being with the kids. She wants to get out though.

I knew before the marriage that she went out. I didnot know the true extent other than yes, it was the weekends... I just like to have some downtime on the weekend but it seems like when I want that downtime, she has had one hectic week and needs to get out... who wins in this scenario... neither I nor she because we end up arguing I tell her to go out, and she goes with this guy friend and then comes home at 230-330am... then she is too tired to make love, and during the week she gets up early sometimes for work and I don't want to interrupt her sleep for that... and the room walls are thin and don't want the neighbors to hear..

I am at wits end trying to figure out what I can do... this guy friend of hers just bugs the crap outta me. She is even on the phone with him throughout the week. He calls her at work /home / while he is outta town... he has no life but her and his bar. Now he may go back to the other friends because I have alienated her from him or him from her. He doesnt want it to appear that he is going out with her. (He had issues with her other friend before this gathering but apparently has patched it up now.)

Now my wife doesnt feel she has any friends. She can't go out with this guy... even though she wants me to go with them. He annoys me, and I feel like the 3rd wheel. I have nothing in common with him other than my dad was in the army reserve with this guys unit. My sisters went to the same university as him... but there is no depth of conversation that I can have with any of these friends of hers. I didnt grow up with them.

My friendships cannot be compared to hers. Nothing in my life is comparable. I starve for her love and communication and being with her. I get internally upset with the kids(18, 15 at home) as they don't pitch in to help out.(empty dishwasher, empty garbage can, bring can back to house after being emptied... ) I am not used to a dog underfoot and I get upset when it poops/pees in the house. Maybe only thing is kinda strict parents and same religous background.

Yes, I married into it. I would again too. I just dont like having to go out or spend time with her friends 7/8 weenend nights. These gatherings are done at last minute too... if nothing going we go if they arent doing anything. Her friend-boy was the standby as he had no life than the bar otherwise... He reminds me much of me... I told her, he needs to take the bull by the horns if he wants to get into a relationship. But he doesnt. He is co-dependant on her and his bar/drinks.

thanks for letting me vent... thoughts???

 

[John]

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Have your wife read your post

First place to look for answers is where the problem lays, is marriage not a bonding of two people, who share everything, living with your own thoughts, and not the correct answers, creates non existant arguments.

 

[charlie42]

Lost???

Sorry, I am at a loss at what you are saying....

I understand and accept the fact that I married into this. I feel I have a right to share my feelings and express them. But do I have to live with this guy calling my wife on the phone talking or having to visit him with what seems to be an unnatural amount of time. I don't even talk to my 5 sisters and brother put together as much as he talks to her. He is on the phone daily multiple times a day to every other day... I talk to my sibs maybe once every other week if that even... and not all of them because there are 3 that are outta town and long distance.

If they were going out as a couple, engaged, or something I could see that. Its like we live together but he calls her it seems at times even more that I do. I am not into tallying, as I feel that is kinda petty, but I can if need be. But I am almost wondering is she as much codependant on him as he on her... She has said she could never forgive herself if he killed himself. He is depressed takes meds too. But I am her husband... I feel I should have some say in it.

thx.

 

[John]

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you are seeking answers on here, have you first saught answers from your wife, i think your jealousy is all about he gets more attention than you do, you have expressed yourself on here, have you expressed yourself in this way to your wife?
i lost my marriage because i did not realise what i was doing with another close friend, yes female, all innocent, but had i known what signals others were seeing, would i still be married, you need to talk openly to your wife.

 

[charlie42]

Thank you for clarification

Thank you for your clarification John. Yes I have communicated much in the 'I feel' type statements to her... She has indicated what happens to me is that I come home and seclude myself in the room to read or watch televison. I ask her if there is anything I can do to help, if there isnt, I go... the house right now is not big enough for two in the kitchen... and the kids are off doing their own thing... so I do then go to the bedroom. I am not into the same shows as the kids... I can't concentrate on reading my book if they have the tv on... So I do close off.

I just think it is very unhealthy and unnatural for a married woman to be talking to this single/divorced guy as much as she does. I did have a good friend that was a gal that I was in contact once a year for a luncheon... but she indicated that she felt I was using her to be a sounding board when things weren't going well. Well, since then, its been a couple of years and I haven't written or called because of the respect that my best friend is my wife and also the sounding board friend said to not call. Sounding board was a friend for 22 years... she is unmarried as well... so, I have no other true close friend girls other than those friendships I built on single sites. but those have gone awry as I am now married, which I don't mind..

My wife is close to a psych major as well, and I have told her I feel she uses the psych to her advantage. I am not as knowledgable in the arena as she.

Ultimately, I want to be with my wife. I don't want to share her with other guys. If there is another guy... well, than he should have a spouse/female so that it is even couples. I dislike being a 3rd wheel and feel very uncomfortable.

Thanks again John.

 

[John]

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Arena? maybe it is your choice of words as i am English UK, i used to come home from work, shower eat then fall asleep for an hour or so, secluded? yes, so now i make sure i do other things, but obviously this is not what is bothering you, but who told you of the seclusion? your wife, your looking for answers, there is one part of it. This guy may have a personality that your wife likes, im not saying that you should change to suit, but she married you, not him, she is with you, not him, in her mind there is nothing wrong, psych major, obviously she is in control of her thoughts and actions. insecurity, or different life styles, wants or needs?
what is jealousy,
is there anything that you can do to help, you ask her, if it is a no, you go, why ask, why not just do it.

"I am not into the same shows as the kids... I can't concentrate on reading my book if they have the tv on... So I do close off"

when i came home from work, my ex wife would go to work, i had 2 sons to look after, they were about 2 and 4 at the time, kids.. they would make a noise i would get angry because i couldnt hear the TV, so i would put music on, they would dance then play fight, so, i put the music off, and i played with them, in their way, no more frustration, no more anger, and it was fantastic, obviously, the kids around you are not going to be the same, turn the damn tv off, do something with them, dont make it a rule, but try it, seclusion... its you who is creating it, and in that seclusion, are you reading the book, or just looking at the words and thinking other things.

 

[Lana]

Charlie;
You said that when you get home, you close off so that you can concentrate on your reading material. Is it possible that your wife appreciates being concentrated on and gets that from her other friend (while you’re closed off reading a book)?

You also mentioned that her friend reminds you of you and that he annoys and irritates you. If that is the case, is it possible that you are annoyed and irritated with yourself? Is that perhaps the threat, that if he is like you, she will like him as much as you?

If I was your single friend and dumped, after 22 years of close friendship, I'd be hurt, deeply. I once had a friend who did that to me. She (was my best friend) married a man that once upon a time liked me but was just a close friend. Promptly after the wedding, both cut me out of their relationship. In fact, he flat out told me "you had your chance but now I'm married to her". And she said, "He told me he didn't want me hanging out with you because you go out a lot" That hurt. A lot.

Human beings are social creatures, some more then others. Sharing a partner with others doesn't have to be a bad thing. You are not sharing her per se, but allowing others to enjoy the qualities in her that you love. This means, you allow others to feel as happy around her as you are when you're with her. It's a good thing. Be proud that a woman like that has chosen you as her husband.

 

[John]

forum

Human beings are social creatures, some more then others. Sharing a partner with others doesn't have to be a bad thing. You are not sharing her per se, but allowing others to enjoy the qualities in her that you love. This means, you allow others to feel as happy around her as you are when you're with her. It's a good thing. Be proud that a woman like that has chosen you as her husband.

I Love this forum, the more i read, the more i find answers too

Thank you Lana

 

[charlie42]

Thank you both for replying... I can understand where the two of you are coming from. Your comments are pertinant... I was getting to think more and more... It seems that I am feeling very shutoff from my own friends and family. I don't feel accepted and comfortable with her friends to be with them those 7/8 weekend evenings or more during the month... I want time for our families, her friends, my friends, ourselves... there needs to be a balance... and right now, the balance is weighing very heavy on her friends only... Does this make sense? I need also to learn about requesting boundaries, and how to react in a more nonaggressive reaction to what I consider adults behaving immaturely.