[Trigger] Just want to quit

[Cat Dancer]

The last couple of sessions before today I was really comfortable talking and talked A LOT, at least compared to how I normally am, BUT both sessions had to be cut short for different reasons. Even though, logically, I understood that, I realize now that I felt hurt inside like I was being told to shut up and be quiet. And then the things we talked about really stirred up a lot of pain and fear and anguish inside.

So today we had therapy and I think it was horrible and I never want to go back. I called and left a message yesterday that I was afraid he was going to give up on me and he didn't call back, but I didn't ask him to either. I was just hoping he would. I felt hurt about that. Irrational I know.

So today we tried to talk about it. I was way shut down though. I really felt like I didn't care anymore. He said it didn't matter if he gave up on me. The only important thing is that I don't give up on me. I take that as him saying I'm basically on my own here. I DO depend on myself. I don't depend on others. It's always been that way. I know better than to stick my head out and get hurt really badly.

Anyway I'm really confused. I don't understand what he really was talking about today. I don't know what is going on. I don't know if I care anymore anyway. I've decided I don't care about what happened to me in the past and I don't care what I do to myself anymore.

I can't do this on my own. I've tried and I can't do it. I don't feel safe with him anymore and I don't think I can depend on him now. I'm all alone just like always and it hurts SO MUCH. I don't think I can bear it. I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix myself or help myself. If I did I don't think I would be in therapy trying to fix all this stuff anyway. I'm not sure it matters now. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't WANT to deal with this. It's way too painful. I can't stop crying and I want to hurt every square inch of my body until there's nothing left to hurt. There's nothing left, I think.

 

[suewatters1]

CD please keep yourself safe. You are an important to person to everyone on this forum.
Maybe the approach your counselor was taking was wrong in him not reassuring you that he will not desert you.
We the people of this forum love you and need you help us and the new people joining.
Do you have another appointment booked with your T? If yes then you know you will see him again.
Know that their might be another T out there just waiting to meet you if you feel you don't want to see your present therapist.
Call the hot line if you have to. Just keep yourself safe. We would be lost without you

Love

Sue

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, sue. I do have another appointment with him next week. I think what I'll do is sit down tomorrow when I've calmed down and write a letter and try to explain how I'm feeling about all of this.

It's scary that things have gotten so confusing. It seems like there are feelings I have for him, not romantic feelings, but some other kind of feelings and I WANT something I can't have. And it's all mixed up with what he said and the two short therapy sessions and me feeling abandoned. If that makes any sense.

I think he also said some things that made sense, but I was really, really shut down and couldn't/wouldn't hear them and I missed a lot. And that makes me really sad too.

I just really wish I could understand what he was trying to tell me. I couldn't and I'm upset about that.

Thank you for being so kind.

 

[Into The Light]

i'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. i know it's hard when a session doesn't turn out the way we way we'd hoped or expected. i know this isn't easy but try to focus on the idea that next session you can work on what you are feeling right now. you can talk to him about it and get it figured out. you're not stuck in this place with these feelings you have right now.

i am wondering if this something that you want to have that you can't have might be some kind of transference happening? maybe he is representing something to you in your life that you've always needed and never had?

i know it's tough right now cat dancer but hang in there. this is just a rough patch but you can get through it and things will start to feel better again.

 

[suewatters1]

I just really wish I could understand what he was trying to tell me. I couldn't and I'm upset about that.

I know that feeling. People talk to me and I don't understand what they are trying to tell me. I sometimes wish they would speak in a language I understand. I am also afraid to tell anybody that I didn't understand what they were tell me and that what they said didn't makes sense to me. I am getting better at it with some people who accepts me for who I am the others well I am to afraid to ask because then they make me feel dumb like I should know. I got ADHD and a learning problem so that sometimes makes things more confusing to me and most people just don't get it.
Also I would would be pis*ed off also if I had 2 short therapy sessions. I would go to my car and bawl my eyes out because that tears me apart if I get short change of therapy time.

Good luck with that letter.

Sue

 

[binqs]

Hi, CD...sometimes people cannot see or feel the "scream" inside you, but also maybe your therapist did see it and was trying to talk through/around it, and it was just too loud to overcome in that session. If your next session--using that letter, which is important to you because it lets out what you're really feeling--still leaves you feeling "rejected," perhaps you could ask for a referral from your therapist. Maybe, if there is such a thing, someone who specializes in patients who are introverted?

I'm guessing you are, and don't want to insult you in anyway if that is not the case. But the important thing right now is to try to calm down enough to keep yourself safe. You ARE special to many people; sometimes they may not show it enough because they can't know how much you are hurting.

And we CERTAINLY care, CD. No joke. :support: Let us know how you're feeling, okay? We're here, at the very least, to listen to you.

 

[SoSo]

Hi Cat Dancer,
Your last paragraph really got to me, story of my life until recently. I hope that you know how many people you have helped/supported on here, myself included. I got the feeling from your post that you don't feel like your needs or feelings are being validated right now which is hard especially if you are going through it alone. I don't have much to offer really, except I do care and hope things will get easier for you.:support:
SoSo

 

[Cat Dancer]

I just wanted to thank you all for listening to me and helping me. It means a lot. I was really panicked at first and upset and then I kind of just went numb. Anyway, I decided to call and leave a message saying I need to talk to him. Hopefully he'll call back and we can work this out. I hope.

 

[Into The Light]

i am glad you called and left a message. i am sure you can work it out. it's important to clear things like this up. sometimes we take things in a way that the original person didn't mean at all. let us know what happens.

 

[Cat Dancer]

He did call me back and I think things are ok. I think he was totally oblivious to me being upset. LOL. I'm not really sure I explained what I was thinking and feeling very well, but I tried at least. I feel better about things though.

 

[NicNak]

I am glad he called you back and you feel better about it Cat Dancer.

 

[Into The Light]

glad to hear it well done :goodjob:

 

[Halo]

You took an amazing step forward and it worked out well....you did good CD :2thumbs:

 

[HBas]

Hey Cat Dancer,

I felt so sore when I read your post and really am glad you are feeling better!

I have had the same experience and the feelings are so overwhelming - I admire your courage!

So, just a small note to say that I will be thinking of you and am very proud of the way you handled that, you are a very good example of how things should be done (in terms of taking the bull by the horn.. hehe)

:airkiss: