Hi, my name is Pete (20 years old) and I think I am a sociopath. This can be considered a self diagnosis but unlike most internet hypochondriacs I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just feedback. I am a diagnosed and currently medicated for ADHD, but have always known I wasn’t like everyone else. It wasn’t until recently I feel like I got that last piece of the puzzle which put the whole picture into perspective by accidentally stumbling over a diagnosed sociopath’s blog through Digg.com.Right, so as a child I was somewhat verbally abused by my mother, crying a lot as a child then had an extremely traumatic experience with a best friend and girlfriend (details seem unimportant). I have always been antisocial but have never avoided social behavior. I never really enjoyed going out with people as they more or less aggravate me and have always been able to get people to do what I want them to. I fabricate stories and my past (even if what I lie about isn’t important) to anyone and I most of the time believe what I am saying. I stole from my father once to which my mother commented “you are more upset that you were caught than what you have done.” She made me go see a psychiatrist and within 2 minutes I refused to speak to him as he was extremely aggressive telling me eventually I will “open up whether I like it or not.”
People to me are expendable which basically means I keep them around when I need them. My current roommate in college wasn’t able to stay in dorms during summer session due to monetary reasons and the fact that he lives 10 minutes away. I convinced him to stay since he helped me get through Thermodynamics and other classes. I currently have volumes of other peoples past work which would have felt like I owed them something if I haven’t given them other peoples work when they needed it. Reading that sounds confusing, I use the work they give me to get other peoples work. I’ve had a few girlfriends but they were always filled with fighting, usually due to me talking to other girls or small verbal insults. Something’s that were said that: “I care one minute, but then not the next.” I enjoy seducing women and currently have one on the fishing line and I can’t figure out why she sticks around. I have a charm that girls seem to fall for but I don’t feel any of it. I am a chameleon when I want something, fixing myself for the situation but when I finally get it, it’s worthless to me.
I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. Genuine happiness is unknown to me. Family vacations, fraternity parties, ect. None of this excites me. The last time I can remember being seriously excited was Santa Clause and that’s far back in my childhood (unless you count things like snowboarding or dangerous activities). I am very impulsive and do whatever I feel like with little fear of consequence and always promise when finally caught that I will change, this time will be different, it wasn’t my fault. Funerals I refuse to attend anymore because they make me extremely uncomfortable. I never feel that sadness, I feel empty or angry. I have few plans to actually do something with my life, as its always been so much easier to manipulate someone than to actually work for it. It just seems to come naturally, and looking back at half the things I’ve done I can make people not even realize that they just received the short end of the stick.
This post might seem arrogant but I can’t begin to tell you how much it took to not lie because even though my ego feeds what I am, I need to learn what is exactly wrong with me. The jealousy that people feel serious emotions bothers me because I always have to pretend, and while I shorthand people around me, I feel emotionally shorthanded.
Thanks,
Pete
