Kids forced to call stepmum, MUM for 4 yrs...

[unicorn]

My kids are aged 9 and 10 and for the past 4 years despite many protests from myself their mum on their behalf and my own, they have been forced to call their stepmum, MUM.

The kids on the whole don't like her, but manage to get along, they have been told a little about the hurt it causes me, and they know that she treats me with little or no respect.

The kids were finally given a choice to call her something else, but feel obliged to keep calling her mum, this is literally breaking my heart and I just want to shutdown.

It seems she has manipulated this perfectly and played an unbeatable poker hand,I'm devastated and am sad and deeply hurt and angry at my kids. I don't know what to do or say so thus far have said nothing.

Pleases help!

 

[Into The Light]

welcome to the forum unicorn.

i understand your feelings of hurt and anger, but i think the anger is aimed at the wrong people (your kids). don't let this sour your relationship with them. they are after all only children and as you stated, they were forced to do this for 4 years and only now are given a choice. you also say that their step mum has manipulated things perfectly and that they feel obligated.

as an adult i have difficulty with feeling obligated and it is very hard not to give in to that feeling. it would be even more so difficult for a 9 and a 10 year old.

your kids have been caught in the middle. i would try not to be angry with them but to be angry with their step mum, where it belongs.

i hope this is somewhat helpful.

 

[unicorn]

Thanks for your advice.

I get that I should be angry with the stepmum and their father. But it is just so difficult when the kids have asked me to step in on this issue in the past, and now given a chance, and I do not know how genuine this chance is, it seems they have given in.

I s'pose it's hard for me as I have always stuck up for myself and stood up to much older people. For the past 4 years the kids have crossed their fingers whenever they have called her mum as this really was the only opposition they could pose.

Should I conceed defeat, or just shutup, or what? I'm lost.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What they call you (or her) doesn't matter in the end, unicorn. What matters is how they feel about you and the type and quality of the relationship you have with them.

More than anything else, it's important that you don't jeopardize that relationship by putting them in the middle or making them feel uncomfortable around you. This is when you need to be the parent and make it crystal clear to your children that you are putting their needs first.

If you can do that, among other things, it will make the contrast between your priorities and those of your ex-husband and his wife pretty clear to your children, I would think.

 

[Trust]

Hey Unicorn - I feel for you - it is sad to think your kids are expected to call another woman Mum when you are their real one and only irreplaceable Mum! Truthfully, I have never understood why when people break up and then introduce new partners into their chidren's lives that some people feel the need to have their children refer to the step-parent as Mom or Dad. Kids do know the difference and putting that expectation on them is really unfair, unless the kids really insist and neither biological parent objects.

My children are all grown, and neither my ex nor I have remarried so they never had to contend with the situtation - BUT - as my kids got married, I made sure that the new in-law felt open and comfortable to call me anything but Mom because that is reserved for my own kids and they each have their own Mom's and believe me they were relieved from having to akwardly refer to me as "Mom"!

When I was a young bride my mother-in-law insisted that I call her Mom. Now, I was dealing with my own mother who was/is exceedingly jealous of anyone else in my life, so I could never risk calling anyone else Mom or she would have never forgiven me. It was just a very awkward and uncomfortable request and one I just avoided by never referring to my MIL as anything at all. I simply didn't use any particular address when speaking to her. UGH - It was so awful to be put in that position. I felt to honour the MIL's request would have been a direct betrayal of my Mom and I would have felt really disloyal. Oddly enough, I have told my own kids that they could call their own MIL's Mom without any worry about my feelings because it just seems like a silly thing for me to be concerned with because I know I am their Mom, they know it, and it may just make their relationships easier for themsleves, their spouses and/or MIL/FILs. I think some people feel funny about calling in-laws Mom or Dad especially at first, but some people naturally adjust and it isn't an issue. Different strokes . . .

Not everyone feels so strongly about this issue, but some people as you do, feel very threatened by their kids, especially young ones, calling another person Mom. Personally, when my kids were little I would have felt threatened and insulted by that gesture or expectation on the new step-parent's part.

You may be feeling insecure and threatened by the role of this woman in your children's lives and that must be difficult to accept. You are not with your kids exclusively as you once were and now must share them with your ex and his partner. If your kids are adapting to their new stepmom, they most likely over a number of years will develop a certain affection for her, but that will not compare to the feelings they have for you as their mother, nor will it diminish you in their eyes in any way.

Perhaps if you try hard not to attach an exclusive right to the name Mum, and focus on your exclusive bond with your children, that will help. Maybe you could come up with a new name for yourself - something private and special and explain to your kids that you want them to always know that while they are fortunate to have so many parents to love them, they will always have only one Mummy and that's you!:2thumbs:

I'm sure lots of people share your same feelings about this issue as step families these days are everywhere.

And ITA with Into the Light - your kids should not be the focus of your anger or frustration - they are innocent in this situation and just trying to make the best out of an awkward situation. Most kids hate to do anything to disappoint their parents, so remember that and try to understand that they may be struggling with feeling disloyal to you and/or their Dad.

There is probably no right or wrong answer for any family in this situation, but perhaps if you speak calmly to your ex and explain how sensitive you are feeling about this issue - maybe asking him how he would feel if his kids called a new man Dad - and maybe he would see where you're coming from and together you could arrive at a solution you could all happily live with. You two are the adults and you both need to work out something for the sake of your kids.

I hope my 2 cents helps, but if it doesn't don't hesitate to correct me!

Good luck, Unicorn!

 

[unicorn]

If I sat down with them and said something like, 'I understand the pressure you guys are under over there, and I know that you will never feel for the step mother like you feel for me. I can never accept that she deserves the title of mum because she has not earned it but rather demanded it, however I also understand that you need to do whatever you can to feel comfortable over there, so I'm not going to worry about it anymore, I know that our relationship will never be broken by someone else, I just want you guys to know I love you very much and will always be your one and only mummy and nothing will ever change that.'

---------- Post added at 12:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:45 PM ----------

Thanks for that, unfortunatley I can't talk to my ex about it as he has made it very clear that he knows that he has been forcing the kids he knows they don't like it and that it hurts me and he does not care.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If I sat down with them and said something like, 'I understand the pressure you guys are under over there, and I know that you will never feel for the step mother like you feel for me. I can never accept that she deserves the title of mum because she has not earned it but rather demanded it, however I also understand that you need to do whatever you can to feel comfortable over there, so I'm not going to worry about it anymore, I know that our relationship will never be broken by someone else, I just want you guys to know I love you very much and will always be your one and only mummy and nothing will ever change that.'

No. That is still putting them in the middle and putting unfair pressure on them.

You don't need to say anything - you just have to live it. Put your children first. Forget about being angry with her or your ex. Be a mother to your children and you won't have to worry about who calls who what.

 

[unicorn]

At the moment I feel like I can't just live with it, the boys know I'm upset I can't hide those feelings at the moment and knowing how I felt about it in the past are they really going to know everything is ok without words even if I manage to pull off the best acting job of my life.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Unicorn, And welcome to psychlinks.

I hope you don't mind, I've been following this thread. I agree with Dr.Baxter and I wanted to explain my viewpoint. Sometimes, being a good parent means not sharing 'adult issues' with children.

I don't have a doubt in my mind that you're hurting about all of this. But that's your issue, not your boys. Every time that you let them know, in any way, that you're hurting over this, you are forcing them to pick sides or worst yet, to understand issues that they're simply not equipped to understand because of their age. Their entire world still revolves around you and their father. They won't forget who you are to them Unicorn. The only thing they can understand is that their mum is upset because they're calling someone else mum - and they'll feel guilty without appreciating why. They don't have the cognitive ability to understand the complexities here.

So, if you must - put on your best poker face. If they see that you're sad, tell them that you're sad but you're sad about adult stuff and that you will be ok.

Sending you lots of support Unicorn. :support:

 

[Trust]

Thanks for that, unfortunatley I can't talk to my ex about it as he has made it very clear that he knows that he has been forcing the kids he knows they don't like it and that it hurts me and he does not care.

Hey Unicorn - It sounds like there's still a lot of bitterness coming between you and your ex. That's very unfortunate, but no matter how you feel about him or his partner, your kids should not be used as leverage or a tool to resolve issues between any of you. If those lingering issues could have been resolved amicably you and your ex would probably still be married, IMO. Now you have to adapt to a whole new set of circumstances and keep your kids best interests as your #1 priority.

You don't have to feel happy about it - your feelings are yours - but your kids don't need to feel responsible for your feelings for sure.

Maybe you should read some of the threads on Narcissistic mothers because you will see the damage caused long into adulthood by mothers who did not get that concept. Believe me, you don't want to create a situation where your kids feel responsible for your happiness for the rest of their lives. That approach will only sabotage your desire to have loving relationships with your boys. Sacrificing our own feelings for the sake of our children comes with the territory known as motherhood. We don't always succeed but when we fail, we have to try harder.

I'm not implying that you are narcissistic, I'm just hoping you understand that when as mothers of young children we burden them with our own insecurities and fears and feelings, we rob them of the capacity to trust and feel deeply for us in the end.

You've really got no choice but to take the high road on this one for your kids! I agree with Jazzey and Dr. Baxter's posts and your kids will benefit as will you if you can muster up the courage to follow their good advice. So get your gown picked out - an Oscar may indeed be in your future!

 

[unicorn]

When does my self-esteem count? I have honestly always strived to keep the kids out of the middle, I have never allowed my ex to communicate through the kids and on the occasions he has attempted to I have confronted him on and taken him to task.

It feels like he introduces all these problems and I just have to take it on the chin every single time, I get so tired of being the good one the one that does'nt denegrate that gets the kids to concentrate on being kids.

I say every time when I drop them off 'have fun' and everytime they get back it's like they've been told one big long sob story. He claims it's all my fault-everything even now, I just get so sick of him playing victim and him putting the kids in the middle.

These threads make me feel like yet again I am at fault I have to concede, I've done it wrong.

I agree with your sentiments on the kids I think I have almost calmed down enough to be normal with them, but I will have to talk to them even just to say that I love them and nothing will and no-one can come inbetween that.

---------- Post added at 02:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:19 PM ----------

There are no lingering issues, I left him he left me it was an amicable divorce we even had lunch afterwards together. The one and only issue that has ever stuck with me and my kids is the fact that they force our children to call her mum-that's it.

As a mother do I not have the right to be enraged over this? Do my kids not have the right to express their wants and opinions about this?

We even double dated when he went on his first date. For 2 years I bent over backwards to make sure the kids were stable and loved and never thought it was their fault, he was invited to dinners, birthdays, even our wedding-we were never invited to anything on his side.He constantly backstabbed and undermined during that period and continues to do so-but all this i have let go and accepted.

This is the one and only issue, the kids know who I am, they know I do not lie to them, they know I am not to be blamed for everything and all this without me saying a word in my defence or a negative word against their father.

So excuse me if I do get sensitive with the words narcissistic, I have done and continue to do all I can so the kids have balance steady and stuctured childhood without all the adult crap, that my ex continually tries to introduce.

Is that so wrong? I do not need my children's support to feel happy infact I wholeheartedly believe that they have the right to make their own minds up as to how they feel about all that has transpired.

 

[Trust]

Hey Unicorn!

If you think your self esteem is suffering in this situation and how panicky you are feeling about the Mum issue, try to imagine how much more stressful it is for your 9 and 10 year old sons. They are just little kids.

I was wrong in some of my advice, as Dr. Baxter and Jazzey pointed out very well, IMO. When you think about it clearly, it is true, you don't need to reinforce your position with words when honourable actions will speak for miles and generations!

Come here and vent if you need to - or tell a close friend - but don't let this issue continue to have so much power. It's not necessary and if you keep driving the point home you could end up with a much bigger problem, IMO.

You need to make sure your self esteem is based on positive things like self-respect - which in this situation if you resist giving into the temptation to be overly possessive of your children, your self esteem will soar and it will match the intensity of their relief.

Just wait until you get a kinder perspective on your feelings before talking further to the kids! Sometimes silence is golden! You know all the sayings - actions speak louder than words etc. - all true and you could benefit from these timeless truths right now, IMO.

I hope you sleep well tonight and I'm glad you have found this forum to vent and ask for support. Sometimes the support you receive may not be exactly what you want to hear, but maybe it is what you need to hear? Only you can decide.

Best of luck to you Unicorn!

 

[Jazzey]

I see this issue as 2 separate issues Unicorn: 1) you're hurt because your boys are calling her 'mum' 2) your boys are maybe hurt because they have to call her mum (I'm saying maybe because my guess is they're hurt because they see you hurting).

Your boys are 9 and 10 years old. From your own words, they've been calling her mum since they were 5 and 6 years old respectively. Don't confuse both issues Unicorn.

From your last post, you seem to want to meld the two. I appreciate that you're hurt - vent to your husband, vent to your best girlfriends or go see a therapist to help you accept the current situation. But where your boys are concerned, let them express their own hurts. Don't meld both hurts - they're entirely different and their source is different.

As a mother do I not have the right to be enraged over this? Do my kids not have the right to express their wants and opinions about this?

You're absolutely entitled to feel rage over this - but you should never let the boys see that rage. It's an 'adult issue' that they cannot understand. And your children absolutely have a right to express their wants and opinions - just make sure that it's genuinely their voices that we're hearing and not yours speaking through your anger.

This is the one and only issue, the kids know who I am, they know I do not lie to them, they know I am not to be blamed for everything and all this without me saying a word in my defence or a negative word against their father.

So excuse me if I do get sensitive with the words narcissistic, I have done and continue to do all I can so the kids have balance steady and stuctured childhood without all the adult crap, that my ex continually tries to introduce.

Is that so wrong? I do not need my children's support to feel happy infact I wholeheartedly believe that they have the right to make their own minds up as to how they feel about all that has transpired.

I've bolded a few ideas that you've expressed. When I read these, I feel as though you're forgetting their ages. When children experience divorce, they feel guilt, sadness, fear - but these are all with respect to their own worlds. Guilt: because they wonder if they did anything to make mom and dad stop loving each other, Sadness: because they wish that the entire family could stay together. What does it mean if they don't live together anymore? Fear: fear that one or both parents will forget them, fear that one or both parents will be unhappy in one way or another, fear that one or both parents will stop loving them.

Whenever you fall into the trap of blaming your ex about all of this *crap* or thinking that your boys know 'that you did nothing wrong here' - you are putting them in the middle of adult issues. Children are very intuitive Unicorn - they sense our feelings, our emotions and sometimes, they even understand more than we wish they did. But it's still our jobs to ensure that they are not invited into this adult world before their time. Childhood is so short lived - whatever issues you have with your ex, sort them out with him AND without ever letting your children (all 4 of them, not just the boys) appreciate your feelings on the issues or the issues themselves. It's just not fair to them particularly since the only thing they'll understand is that you're hurting. For them, I'd be afraid that this would translate into fear or guilt that i've expressed above, IMO. At the beginning of this thread, you expressed that you were angry with the boys for calling her mum. I hope that you'll understand that whether you appreciate it or not, they're probably feeling it.

I understand that you're feeling as if we're all criticizing you Unicorn - and that isn't the intention here. Rather, whether it be ITL, Trust, Dr. Baxter or myself, one way or another we're trying to offer you support by forcing you to see the situation objectively. Because of your own hurts right now, I think that you're too engulfed in this to see the situation as we see it. I hope that you'll accept our support without feeling it as a criticism on you but rather, gentle guidance and support on where you go from here. :support:

 

[unicorn]

Jazzey,
With all due respect, I believe the comments that you all made in your first responses to me had a validility to them and I do appreciate them and take them on board, however as you would well appreciate, every situation is different, every divorce every bond and way to communicate between each seperate mother and child is also unique.

I do not believe that one solution fits all and that seems to be yours and others conclusions here. You did help me recognise that my anger was misplaced and that has helped me immensely even though I know I would have come to the same conclusion on my own you guys highlighted it quickly.

It has always made me wonder why the person who asks for the help ends up getting hammered that it always becomes their issue exclusivly, and not seen as an issue thrust upon them from the outside.

You do not know me nor my history so I appreciate that your interpretations are bound to be cluttered with misconceptions, and that you delve into my responses instead of just reading them for what they are.

You highlighted some of my quote, the most notable, 'they know I am not to be blamed for everything and all this without me saying a word in my defence or a negative word against their father.'

I believe you failed to read this for what it is, a mother who HAS sheltered her kids from the big, bad adult world who has not allowed any bitterness or revenge to creep into the situation at least not on my part.

I have learn't I cannot control my ex nor do I want to, I cannot control his actions or inactions. As I said in the beginning every situation is different, I have sacrificed and I will continue to do so, but yes I take offence at your assumptions that I have laid all these burdens at the feet of my children.

I also take offence that you lob all children into the same boat and do not even give an inch of credit to the parents that they may have handled the kids and their feelings with the utmost respect and care in the beginning and throughout and that one half of that parentage continues to do so.

My children are so well adjusted that their teachers are totally unaware they are from a split family until I inform them and this goes to 100% of everyone who has met them.But I'm sure you will inevitably read through the lines even in this to find some fault in what I have revealed-sometimes what a person says or writes simply is and there are no hidden feelings, issues and agendas.

Once again I would like to thank you for your intitial comments as they have helped.
Thanks again.

 

[Jazzey]

My kids are aged 9 and 10 and for the past 4 years despite many protests from myself their mum on their behalf and my own, they have been forced to call their stepmum, MUM.

The kids on the whole don't like her, but manage to get along, they have been told a little about the hurt it causes me, and they know that she treats me with little or no respect.

The kids were finally given a choice to call her something else, but feel obliged to keep calling her mum, this is literally breaking my heart and I just want to shutdown.

It seems she has manipulated this perfectly and played an unbeatable poker hand,I'm devastated and am sad and deeply hurt and angry at my kids. I don't know what to do or say so thus far have said nothing.

Pleases help!

Thanks for your advice.

I get that I should be angry with the stepmum and their father. But it is just so difficult when the kids have asked me to step in on this issue in the past, and now given a chance, and I do not know how genuine this chance is, it seems they have given in.

I s'pose it's hard for me as I have always stuck up for myself and stood up to much older people. For the past 4 years the kids have crossed their fingers whenever they have called her mum as this really was the only opposition they could pose.

Should I conceed defeat, or just shutup, or what? I'm lost.

What they call you (or her) doesn't matter in the end, unicorn. What matters is how they feel about you and the type and quality of the relationship you have with them.

More than anything else, it's important that you don't jeopardize that relationship by putting them in the middle or making them feel uncomfortable around you. This is when you need to be the parent and make it crystal clear to your children that you are putting their needs first.

If you can do that, among other things, it will make the contrast between your priorities and those of your ex-husband and his wife pretty clear to your children, I would think.

I've read over the thread U. I thought we had all answered your initial question.

This thread was never a "hammer" on the person asking the question - if it were, I'm sure that you'd reserve your respect for others...

You asked how to handle the fact that YOU couldn't deal with your children calling this other person mum, the fact that you were angry about it. Everyone offered you some excellent advice. From speaking to your ex to not involving your children in adult issues. When someone suggested you resolve this with your ex, you said you couldn't, so the thread moved on from there.

But I'm happy that your children are so well adjusted Unicorn. So I guess that would bring me back to my initial position - maybe the issues surrounding this new family arrangement really isn't their issue?

And no - I do not "lob all children" in the same category - I was going on the information that you were providing. But rest assured, any and all opinion I may have as to your situation - I'll keep to myself from here on end...."with all due respect" of course.

 

[whykat]

Hello Unicorn

Your post got up close and personal with me , from both sides of the fence your children and having to deal with a stepmother and from yours at having to deal with another woman having control over my children . I myself had several stepmothers( 4 before my 15th birthday) as a kid growing up and each one had her own special ways of forcing my 2 brothers and me to do things she knew we hated doing and 95 % of the time our dad would ignore us and back her . Then when my kids were 10 , 9 and 7 thier dad left us and married what I had been calling a very special and close friend for several years.

Manipulation and head games go hand and glove with a lot of women who find themselves in the position of 'having' control over innocent children and the childrens parents.

They , the kids dad and his wife seem to know all the right buttons to push to keep you angry and stressed . You mention nothing about having any support from your family so I'm going to guess that your pretty much in this alone . Your boys love you and they love dad . So they are in the middle no matter if you yell and scream every time dad or his wife's names are said or if you just bow down and let them walk on you those boys are in the middle . IMHO the boys dad is not doing his part or holding up his end of the parenting responsibilities ,simply by doing nothing he is allowing a bad situation to just grow worse .

And even with a 'friendly divorce' there are negitive emotions , there has to be , a marriage that starts out all white satin and pretty promises dies a slow painful death.

I want to know who can walk away from a dead marriage with no bitterness or anger ? A person grieves a dead marriage pretty much the same way they grieve when a loved one passes away.

So having said all that , I could just said I can totally relate and have complete empathy with your situation . but felt I needed to show I mean those words , they aren't just words i know how to spell but words I know what they mean.

You have been bonding with a mothers love with your two children all of thier lives. And when one of them hear or say the word "mum" it's your love and your face that they see it's imprinted one thier heats and in their minds. Because they are so young they will do what they are being forced to do , probably hoping to get thier dads approval ,that is very important to young boys. But never fear as they grow older and become more confident in them selves as individuals they will turn away from that wife of thier dads and if he hasn't snapped and started standing up as a dad should then to bad for him , he is taking a horrible risk by allowing his new wife come between him and his children. Even though it twists your heart into mush when you see and hear dad and stepmum doing things that make your children sad and unhappy there is nothing you can do BUT Always be the loving mother they have known since birth. They will make their own decisions as they grow up.

There is not now nor should there ever be any kind of competition for those boys emotions , attention or time. All you have to do is your job . Just be thier mother and in time that stepmum will come to realize she never had a chance to take your place . She did not steal your place in the ex's life because ya'll was already divorced when she stepped up to the plate. And even if you gift wrapped your boys and presented them on a silver platter ( which will never happen , your love for those two boys comes though in every post you posted) she will never have a dribble of a chance of taking your place in the boys lives.

 

[unicorn]

In reply please re-read my last post to you, thanks once again.

 

[Jazzey]

I have Unicorn. I've actually read this thread several times. You've received many wonderful responses, a lot of insightful advice on this thread.

But at this point, I'm not sure that I have anything more to suggest to you. Advice and guidance is one of those tricky things Unicorn - you have to be in a place to receive it and hear it. You have to actually hear what's being said to you. While I know and understand that you feel that I'm the one that hasn't understood, I feel as though you're not in a place to hear what's been said to you here.

On that basis alone, I'm reluctant to offer any other suggestion to you. I know that the advice I'd offer would be received in a jaded light. Add to that that you weren't especially polite with me and well, any real motivation to think about this is really gone....

One of the mandates of this site is to educate people. We do so in a courteous and respectful manner and, hopefully, in a manner which incites members and non-members to want to seek more knowledge for themselves. But again, learning and growing is always contingent on the recipient.

I wish you well Unicorn. And again, maybe another member can offer you insight that I wasn't able to.

 

[unicorn]

Thankyou WhyKat,
your response to my posts really got to me, I can really feel that you get it and understand my boys and my position in all of this, your last sentiments especially filled my eyes with tears.

In response to your bitterness question, I really don't have any toward my ex about our breakup, I have worked through any that there was already, as you would well understand it is only the ongoing pain he puts our sons through that then I have to deal with that cause bad feelings towards him.

Does he have bitterness, yes indeed, but that's really not my problem or my concern, that ball is most definetly in his court regarding that and good luck to his wife if she can handle it.

My main concern has and always will be our kids, and I have been told before that for lack of a better word 'karma' will come back to bite him if he continues down the track of not sticking up for his boys and allowing his wife to make all the decisions regarding them.
As insane as it sounds as much as I look forward to this time in one way, it also saddens me deeply to think my boys may well not want much to do with their father, as I believe there is still a lot of good in him that they could learn from and they have that right to know him warts and all just as they have the right to know me warts and all and I'm sure they will judge me for my role in their lives.

Thanks also for the insight from your perspective about kids being in the middle regardless, it was a realisation and also a knowing that I already had, that I just don't think some of the other posters could see.

I spend some of my time trying to clean up the messes the ex puts the kids in,and have never knowingly put the kids in the middle, but I get what you say, that they are there already.

Anyway thanks once again for your insights I do appreciate them.

Cheers Unicorn

---------- Post added at 12:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 PM ----------
To Jazzey,

I really don't know how else to convey to you what I've felt through this. Only to say that I have taken out of all yours and others the advice which is relevant, the fact that I will not take on advice which is irrelevant to my personal situation should not be taken as a point of contention on your part, and I'm sorry if you have taken it that way.

I have re-read the entire threads, and it seems in the heat of being compared to a narcisstic mother I responded to your thread instead of Trusts, however as I wrote in this post:With all due respect, I believe the comments that you all made in your first responses to me had a validility to them and I do appreciate them and take them on board, however as you would well appreciate, every situation is different, every divorce every bond and way to communicate between each seperate mother and child is also unique.

So as I have already said, thankyou again for your help, I will use the parts which are relevant and learn from them and hopefully with now your understanding, ignore that which is irrelevant.

 

[Trust]

Unicorn:

Truthfully, I find your attitude in response to our posts here sets off triggers for me - rightly or wrongly - that's how I am feeling.

You received a lot of understanding and empathy from everyone here, IMO. People here read your words - and then gave you our best advice.

When I suggested that perhaps you could speak with the kids I had not thought it through and I appreciated reading the perspective of others and realized why that wasn't the best idea. I took no offense because none was intended. We are all just brainstorming in a way and offering our own ideas for you to consider.

You do seem to be reacting very defensive and offensive about the comments made here and while I have felt that way many times when I am angry or feeling misunderstood, it does not mean that it is the best approach if one wants to find help to resolve a situation and restore some perspective.

Your posts here so far seem IMO contradictory - and maybe I am just over sensitive to discussions that keep throwing me off balance, but that's how I'm feeling. You keep insisting that your kids are very well adjusted, there are no lingering issues or bitterness between you and the ex, that you have always been the one to sacrifice for your kids etc, but that's not worthy of an award, IMO, that's just what parents do. And IMO you are competing for the affection of your children and as per your first post you are feeling betrayed by them since they may now choose to continue calling the stepmom, Mum.

No revenge in you, but Karma will get your ex?

Maybe I'm feeling triggered because I could see my own mom doing the same thing with me about my own father. I was not allowed to have any nice feelings about him even though she insisted to my face that she wanted me to love him. Anytime I made the slighest hint of wanting to get to know him when I was a teenager, she made it crystal clear how much that would devastate her, all without one word needing to be said as I got the message just by the very terrifying expression in her eyes. I would not as an adult choose to have a relationship with my father, but even if I did, it would not feel safe for me to ever admit this to my mom. She would undoubtedly perceive it as a personal slap in the face, in light of all the "sacrifices" she perceives she made for me. She can never be faulted, never be wrong, never be open to anyone's differing viewpoint even when faced with evidence that would sway the most skeptical among us! My mom would always pick and choose the most convenient truth that best suited her version of events and history.

What if your kids actually do like their stepmom and just cannot tell you how they feel? Have you even considered this possible? Maybe you should try to imagine that your kids are much more likely to remain genuinely loyal to you if they feel that their love doesn't have to be exclusively yours.

I did completely understand how you felt threatened by the situation, but just because I understood does not mean I think you should act on those feelings - you should try to confront the source of why you are feeling so intensely instead, IMO. All I was trying to get you to think about was how much you do love your kids and how you would not ever willingly and consciously add to their painful feelings for you, about having to or choosing to call stepmom, Mum.

You seem to want someone to give you a prize for being near perfect as opposed to your highly flawed ex and his wife, and your kids probably sense how much you need to come first, IMO. They must feel very upset knowing how this issue is effecting you and how you seem more concerned with how everything appears to others - even total strangers - than to just suck it up and do your best to put the needs of your sons where they are meant to be - above all else!

I do realize that you may be angry about my post and that's okay, but I do hope that you will respect my right to express the truth as I see it.

By the way, Jazzey is one of the most sensitive and helpful people here and because she doesn't always agree only makes me trust her more. I know when I need to be told the truth, I will be able to count on her when I need just that. You don't have to change how you feel by anyone's post or opinion - but at least you could appreciate that we were all, IMO, genuinely trying to help you out.

No worries - that's my last word on this topic. Sorry if I have offended anyone here - ever!

I feel I am being baited and rather than resist, I went against my best judgement to become unwisely engaged - not a smart move - as you can see I too do not always take my own or others good advice.

I hope tonight is a better night for you, Unicorn!