Kids forced to call stepmum, MUM for 4 yrs...

[unicorn]

Your way out of line, and yes you really have misjudged me beyond words.

I don't know how many times you people need to read the words thankyou before you honestly believe them.

I am less than perfect but have and do try to do my best, as I posted previously I want my kids to see me warts and all as well as my ex. Any mistakes I have made thus far and have been able to recognise in regard to my children I have apologised for and not made them again.

My ex's wife was actually a friend of mine and the kids were encouraged by me to call her Aunty so I know that my kids on the whole get along with her which is what I indicated in my very first post, I do not have a problem with that in fact at the time when my ex and her were getting serious I asked the kids they were 5,6 years old how they felt about her and they said 'They loved her',my response-that's great it's good that you love her, I want you to get along with her because it will make your life easier. -Sound like someone who does'nt realise things, who doesn't put the kids feelings first?????


I do not engage my ex in frivilous arguments and I do allow and encourage my kids to a have a relationship with him, if you have read my response to WHYCAT I think you may have comprehended that.

I really strongly believe you totally and inexplicably misunderstood and misquoted the "karma" comment please read again as I have said I have been told that by others and in fact the other posters have said very similiar things just not used that particular word, and if you were to read on you would have seen I am not looking forward to that and do NOT wish that my kids alienate themselves from their father.

I came on this site for help about intense feelings I was having,and at first I believe I did get help, but now just because I can see that not every bit of advice I have been given would be useful in this situation I'm getting slammed.

So thanks but no thanks, if that's what this site is about, that the prerequisite is that I don't mind having my words twisted, that I don't mind taking on all the guilt for mistakes that mothers before me have made, and that I dare not be proud of the way I have behaved regarding my children, and that I definetley cannot contradict or take issue with anything that other posters qualified or not have to say, then how can this be a helpful, informative site?????

 

[HBas]

Hey Unicorn,

I read what you write and get cold all over - I come from a situation with a mom and step mom (since I was 9) they all respected me enough to keep their adult problems to themselves and allow me a normal and good childhood. I adore the ground the all walk upon today. I don't only have a great mom but she allowed me a relationship with the woman in my father's life - the one that was there to protect me when my mom was not around. Imagine if my mom were selfish enough to ruin a change of a good relationship between me and my stepmom and my stepmom became angry enough to take that out on me!! What if my mom only thought about her own feelings and comfortably forgot about mine ...

Please know that no one doubts the pain your in - I am divorced myself and my ex has a new girl (they have been living together for more than a year) wich used to be a friend of mine. I despise the situation but I smile and hug her everytime I see her for my son's sake. Man I don't like seeing her. It does not matter to me what my son calls her or what she says or does to me, I'm a big girl and can deal with another female. My son does not have to fight that battle for me. (in fact it could be better for their family to operate as a unit if he did call her mom, I come from divorce, it sucks when all your friends have a mom and dad around and you have a dad and aunt) What is important to me is that she treats my son well. He mentions her in his prayers at night. At first I was disgusted at the thought but later realized that, if she was no good to him, he would not mention her. What do I choose, a woman that is nice to me and abuse my child or a woman that does not give a dime about my life but does love my child?


Why should I be important in that choice, I have the ability to create my own life apart from my past.

Do not attack the people on the forum who are giving you honest adivese. Attack the weakness that makes you believe that your feelings are more important than those of your children. You should realize, they are advising and not attacking - sometimes the only way to get a solution is to view a topic from different angles and I see many angles here. I have faith that you will be the better for it once you have your priorities under control.

The only way you can win here is to be honest, nice and respectful where the other parties fail to be. To be the best mother you can be and to be there for your children when they need you. If you are too consumed in your own emotions your children might turn to their stepmom for advise and that will hurt you even more.


I hope you can make a huge success of all of this, it is within your ability, should you choose it.:2thumbs:

HB

---------- Post added at 06:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:52 AM ----------

PS* Help is when someone can say something that can open your eyes, I advise you to read everything you wrote again and if you still feel that anybody is trying to do you damage, maybe you should be clear next time that you only want support and not advise.

 

[unicorn]

Unbelievable... I don't know what else to say.Read my posts and try not to interpret. Good luck with your life, I hope it all goes well for you. As for me I wil keep my mouth shut as I always do in regard to their stepmother and their father, and I will continue to hear back all the nasty things said against me by them,and as per usual I will try to keep my kids healthy and happy and as uncontaminated as I can.

Cheers.

 

[HBas]

Hey,

I apologize if you think that any of this was meant to offend you.

Thank you for wishing me well, I wish you well too.

HB

 

[whykat]

I know it says I'm a new member but I have lurked on this site since I joined in Jone of 2006. I came here to find help with the anger I had towards the drunk driver that ran my 21 year old daughter off the road killing her instantly . I found the help I need to get that anger manager and re direct the energy that I had been wasting on the strangle hold I had on my anger and pain .
I posted vented listened and was able to see the anger for what is was , and then I used the find counselor forum to do just that 9 months later I became a lurker on this site. when life get up close and personal i come in here and I always seem to find what I need to get me passed the rough spots.

Now back on topic , I didn't start this post to hijack the thread ,

If I'm getting this right (and if not please say so )
But it seems to me that IRL unicorn does puty the welfare and happiness of her kids first and bites her tongue when the come home from dads place repeating the rude and insulting things they have been hearing from dad and stepmum during the visit. She mentions she doesn't bad mouth dad and stepmum back for the kids to pass on next visit. She also states she does not get into frivolous arguments with dad .
what I'm getting is she needs a place where she can put her feelings of anger and self worth first or actually not just first but only her self and what she is feeling . shes dealing with her kids and thier emotions face to face and biting her tongue and acting like it's all water off a duck when faces d with the stepmum and dad using her kids as messengers for thier rudeness. She isn't involving her kids in her very adult anger and very human pain while she is on line venting and unloading all those emotions in here she says she has swalled in fount of her kids , for the kids sake .

Maybe it is the deal of the step mum and the dad forcing them 2 little boys to call her mum instead of auntie like they always have that took me back to when I was a kid and there was some twisted woman standing there making me do something I hated while my dad stood there allowing it that made me want to post . I really can't say.

HBas,

what if your dads new wife hadn't been an adult and worked with your parents ? What if she had done her level best to try and come between your dad and you ? always bad mouthing and insulting your mom ? Even with your mom doing all possible to allow you a relationship with her ?

I read your post and got a mental picture of the Brady bunch , because with each new wife my dad dragged in for the first week or so I would so want to believe we could all be a family but nope never happend . i can relate to Unicorns description of her kids stepmum like it was 40 years ago and I was 9 years old again. while I read yours and a Hollywood fantasy came to mind. As a natter of fact your post sort of made me feel good ,like even as a kid I felt some how that it should be that way but never seen it no where but TV.

Corny huh ?

Anyways , That's the way I'm reading Unicorns words . She's not here for an award she's here for herself and her mental and emotional survival because for four years she has been swallowing all the crap her ex and has wife have been dishing out .
IMHO . Maybe if she ever comes back I'll find out if I am just imagining or misunderstanding her words . or if I have read them as she meant them.

 

[Trust]

Hi Unicorn:

I wasn't going to post anything further here about your situation and my opinion about it, but having read WhyKat's response which I believe is heartfelt and highly empathetic, I feel compelled to do so.

Perhaps I was trying too hard to make you feel something that I felt and which was clear to me, but obviously not to you. In any case, the purpose of this site is certainly not to alienate or hurt anyone here and I want no part of that kind of experience nor do you, I'm sure.

I am sorry if you feel that my words contributed to making you feel like you don't have support or understanding here. I think sometimes we just need to vent and we don't want any "objective" analyses - we just want someone to listen and say "I do get it" and "I understand" - but while we do wish for this and even need that to happen sometimes - we cannot control how others will perceive us and our motivations nor can we control how they will react and respond.

I hope you will realize that there are others here whom genuinely understand your feelings, where I clearly cannot. We can't please all of the people all of the time and it is an exercise in futility to even make such an attempt.

I have only been around here myself for a very short time and I read a lot of the posts, think about issues that I may have no experience with myself, and add my 2 cents if and when I feel so inspired. I don't expect that everyone here will agree with my opinions or relate to my experiences, so I suggest that you use this site to find strength in yourself from the people you can relate to and let go of any expectations that it has to be all or nothing. As you said yourself, you will benefit from some of the advice, and may use it, but you felt personally attacked, which I could not and do not believe was anyone's intent. But again - that's just me - and I am only one person - it's just my opinion.

You may come back in an hour or a week with an entirely new issue you would like some support or advice about and just because you didn't feel you got the support you were looking for from everyone here on every word you wrote, every feeling you expressed, I truly hope you will consider giving yourself and others a chance to be helpful here in the future. You don't have to convince me or anyone here that you are right in how you feel, and by accusing others of being unfairly critical you are IMO inviting others to stand up in their own defense.

I may not be here again for you in the future, but you will find others here open and willing and able to listen and help I'm sure! :2thumbs:

Wishing you the best whatever you decide.