• Quote of the Day
    "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
    Nelson Mandela, posted by Daniel

fancy792

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I was so shocked last night. I have noticed a change in my daughter since junior high. Last night I found out that she was smoking and that her, friend and my youngest were involved in stealing smokes from a friend of mind when we were in other room. I never would of thought that first they smoked and never the less stole some. My oldest(12), she told me that she was forced to the first time and then at school she wanted to impress a guy. The youngest (10) was to be cool. I just discovered the young one this morning when before leaving for work confronted the friend and she ratted on the youngest.

I had a mature talk with the oldest, she seems to understand! The youngest I have to deal with her tonight.

Now I rased them by myself and always re-enforce the positive. I'm now lost on what to do or how to help and if getting caught was enough to stop it. The friend was caught younger and she has a police file about it. She promised not too and she's watch as well.

They were very surprised that I have noticed it.

What do do? Advice would be very appreciated!
 

David Baxter

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This is something most kids will try at least once or twice. As with many things in parenting, the best you can ever do is (1) to try to make sure they have all of the information about the risks of smoking or drugs or alcohol or sex so that they at least have the tools to make informed decisions; and (2) to try to create a climate of open communication between you and your child. This needs to be established in early childhood. By the time a child reaches 12 or 13, if that hasn't happened yet it isn't going to happen, in most cases - it is in early childhood where you have your best opportunity to be an influence, positive or negative, and the outcome of those years will carry through the turbulent teen years.

I don't like to see kids smoking either. On the other hand, to put it in perspective, in most schools and neighborhoods, it is far easier for kids to buy drugs, even as early as grade 6 or 7, than it is for them to buy cigarettes or alcohol. There is something wrong with that picture in my opinion.
 

fancy792

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Thank you for your post. I will take the advice and be more there for them. I want to keep the lines of communication more open. Thanks again
 

Halo

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Fancy

I just wanted to offer that I think that keeping the lines of communication open with your children is probably the best thing that you can do for them. I remember when I was growing up that the lines were completely cut off and my parents were never open or aware of their feelings or our feelings and we quickly learned to keep things to ourselves. As a result I learned never to turn to them when I needed someone. Keeping those lines of communication open with your children will be a huge benefit in the future when they are going to need you for bigger issues that arise.

Your making a great decision Fancy....I wish I had a mother like you when I was younger :)
 

fancy792

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See I thought I was prepared as a parent and after last night realise that I wasn't. Thank you as well nancy for your advice.

Times like this, you know it will affect them for life, it hard to make the best choices or show them what you think would be a better choice!!!
 

David Baxter

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But it won't necessarily "affect them for life" in the way that you worry it will. Many people have been smokers and quits successfully. As a parent, it's important both for you and for your children that you don't project into the future and see catastrophe. This is a time of experimentation for your children. They will try on many hats over the next few years and they will discard almost all of them.
 

fancy792

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One more question: She doesn't want her dad (my ex-husband) to know. I don't want at all to break her trust. Is that ok?

I have explained to her the risk last night and said that I hope she can make a good choice. I was afraid that I was too loose!!! Her friends come to me as well for advice or confiding.

I'm insecure cause it's so different from when I was a kid, parents would discipline forever and out of context too.

I don't want them to know how insecure I am about what to do but I don't want to not help them either

I really appreciate your guidance.
 

David Baxter

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I would definitely tell her that I would try to respect her confidence - he is your ex-husband and thus she is the one who has the relationship with him now and how she defines that relationship is up to her. And being able to trust that you will respect her confidence is an important part of keeping open the lines of communication with her.

On the other hand, I would probably point out to her that it wasn't difficult for you to discover this and that her father will probably notice things soon too, if he hasn't already. For one thing, when someone is smoking or around smokers, it's not difficult for a non-smoker to smell the evidence.
 

zak

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i agree with david, i got caught smokin at the age of 8 however i didnt stop themore they told me not to the more i did and iv been smoking for 9 years nearly. but now after these 9 years i wish i nevahad started and i wishmy parents had given me a firmer punishment to stop me while i wasnt addicted. im not a parent, im looking from the perspection of somebody who has beenthrough the situation from the kids view.
 

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