Kind of feel shameful here

[haunting]

I have posted so much already. I admitted all too much about myself.

This one is my gambling addiction. I watched my father destroy my family time in and time out with his gambling. My parents lost so much over the years because of his addiction.

I too am addicted to the rush of being at the casino. Not sure if its only that. I love to be out of my house, around other people like me. I like the atmosphere of the casino. I can be Elizabeth without focusing on the sickness of being who I am.

I have come a long way in trying to over come this part of me. I used to gamble away everything I had. But I do have the responsiblities of being a mother, my kids needs come first. I do still gamble, have minor blunders. But the ones I do accomplish are ones that I can recover from. I don't spend large amounts of money, yet I do miss the freedom. I won't ever allow myself to get caught up in legal trouble like I have before. I think though, I should not even go to that place. I enjoy too much as it had become my escape from reality.

I do still go, afraid of the losing control part. I only take so much money with me, what I think is affordable. Yet I want to stay. When I don't have my kids at home with me, this is the tough times. They are not here this weekend. I have gone twice already. Losing some money. But I did not want to leave. The strong thoughts of suicide were with me last night, if I had not of left this house of mine, well not sure how I would have coped.

Haunting

 

[jubjub]

Are your kids just away for the weekend? If so, instead of going to the casino again, take that money and go to the mall or wherever and buy a little surprise for your kids! It will be money well spent and your kids will be surprised and happy when they get home. Just a thought.......I know how hard temptation is.....

 

[haunting]

Good idea. I think getting out is a good suggestion, and when they get home tomorrow night, will be a nice surprise.

Yes, they are usually home. They are gone the odd time; when dad feels like seeing them. This time his parents wanted to spend time with them; which is good. I worry though.

Yes.... temptation..... don't like that word much; lol.

Thanks again, your replies are apreciated. One thing that concerns me, what if I go out in public and faint. I know thats sounds stupid, but it happened before, more then once. And I am struggling with that one. I don't want anyone to freak out and phone an ambulance or something. I was planning on hiding in my house; but not a good idea either. Need to get through this night.

Haunting