Letter to a former self

[Ashley-Kate]

hello dear child,

Oh how i mistreated you, i am sorry i am sorry for ignoring your pain and putting the blame on you. I am sorry for pushing you away and ignoring your existence. I am sorry for not allowing you to become something and stopping you right in your path to becoming an adult. I am sorry i didn't protect you when it was my turn when the damage was done and you needed a hand to stand on your feet again. I am sorry for hating you so much when you did nothing wrong, please forgive me for not caring and stepping on you like you were some evil creator not worthy of life. I am sorry Ashley, the little girl i once was for hating you so much for being the prey of careless beings. I am sorry for starving you almost to death to try to kill you so many times to try and shut you up. I am sorry that when you screamed for help even louder i purged your pain instead of listening to it and trying to understand it the instant gratification helped me but weakened you at every passing day. I am sorry my dear child for allowing this to go on for so long and not taking you by the hand and teaching you how to walk again!

to the little me 10 years ago!

ash

 

[amastie]

For the little you, a thousand overdue embraces ((((((((( ))))))))))
For the you who has learned so much, my admiration and affection :hug:

 

[white page]

Ashley Kate ,
This is a very beautiful post , and a lesson to so many of us on how it is possible to move forward , by acknowledging how it really was and how it is today , your lucidity and honesty is exeptional towards yourself .

Learning to cherish ourselves is a huge achievement . Thank you Ashley for having the courage to share this milestone with us .

 

[Ashley-Kate]

it is a letter that has been laying in my journal for the longest time and for me i felt that it would help me a lot if i was able to share it with someone and seeings how my familly is not aware of my past you guys on this site are the only ones to really know me that much and i am not afraid to be judged by it! so thank you for reading it and knowing , having the secret out in the open is scary but i trust you guys here so much so thanks!

 

[Jazzey]

Ash...:hug: :hug: I'm still astounded by how much you've taught me in these past few months. And I'm so grateful that you were kind enough to share it with us - sincerely. :heart: You are an awesome young lady! And, like you, my secrets are shared here more readily than they are with my family...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

funny how in the last month i went from soo close to just wanting my life to end to now trying really hard to fight my demons! i guess i chose life this time around and i am really going to work hard to get there. i spend most of my life blaming myself for my past and therefore everythign i did was according to my little rules, i wasn't worthy enough to eat certain things not aloud to go out had to exercise because i was the bad little girl that didn't do anything as i realise that is not tru i also realise that i deserve to live

 

[Jazzey]

funny how in the last month i went from soo close to just wanting my life to end to now trying really hard to fight my demons! i guess i chose life this time around and i am really going to work hard to get there. i spend most of my life blaming myself for my past and therefore everythign i did was according to my little rules, i wasn't worthy enough to eat certain things not aloud to go out had to exercise because i was the bad little girl that didn't do anything as i realise that is not tru i also realise that i deserve to live

I'm happy you were able to realize your worth Ash. It is sometimes difficult but again, it's a testament to your strength.

And I'm so happy for you.

 

[amastie]

.. in the last month i went from soo close to just wanting my life to end to now trying really hard to fight my demons! i guess i chose life this time around and i am really going to work hard to get there. ..

And when you need a break from the effort, just know that you are held in our hearts.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you all i know i have come a long way in the last month and a big part of my getting better is realising that there are people that believe in me and my familly and friends are not aware of the internal battle i fight every day of my life but you guys are you know the truth so much more than they do so the fact that someone knows is helpfull because i don't feel so confused or alone anymore, i will probably never tell my familly about the past because my mother was already once informed and denied the hole thing (i think she knows it happened but she rathers no believe it pretending it doesn't exist) so the secret is mine but i share it with strangers my psychologist therapists and you guys because you and they have no emotionnal involvment with me but for my family to see the truth would be to admit they weren't there to stop it to help me and that is hard for them so i understand there denial, thank you guys for being there

 

[Auburn]

Your post was so poignant and so touching. It almost broke my heart. I think you have shown all of us that we need to forgive ourselves and acknowledge the little ones in more often. I know my little Auburn is still there and in need alot of days, and you have reminded me to take care of her.
Thank you soooo much for this hun! :hug::hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

your welcome the simple fact that i can help others in simalar situations is extremly liberating for me. i wish yu all the best of luck with agnolidgning the little person in us all and realising that we are all worth living a ful and happy life inspight of the difficultis we come by.

 

[Auburn]

Well, today was a good day going back to my therapist, and I thought of you AK
Today I acknowledged my little Auburn and gave her a voice to relieve her and me of my father. Since I read your post, I have held onto your words. Thank you again hun, you made today alot less stressful than I thought it would be.
Brightest blessings to you AK!