Letter to family and friends

[Ashley-Kate]

Hello , to all of you who wonder why we did it how we could and why you what did you do wrong? i wanted to clear some things up cause still today as i slowly get better it frustrates me to see how much blame you guys have on your shoulders cause well first and foremost it is not your fault we are not doing this to get back at you in any way try to understand as hard as that may seem that we are mad at ourselves it is our body that we are destroying if we wanted to get back at you we would have probably rebelled or something else instead of being overachievers. This is not your fault it is not ours either in the mids of all the circumstances that we go through we just didn't want to deal so we found a way that we thought would help us get through the time but we got hooked we became obsessed it was a way out that was convenient a time ago when it was not too serious but the control we constantly looked for and thougt we had was lost some time long the way. but i wanted you all to know that it is not your fault try to think of it as someone in your friend or your child or your sibling that is ordering her what to do we have a mini dictator in our head and if we don't obey that we lose. We keep trying to make her happy this mini dictator but we will never be good enough. we love you and we don't want to hurt you it is us that we don't like but cause we refuse to feel to live we refuse to be normal don't get mad at us just tell us that you love us and one day that will be enough!

ashley

 

[Misha]

Re: letter to familly and friends

Wow, Ashley... that's a great letter. Did you actually send it to someone?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i wrote my mom somethign similarto that explaining how much i lved her and how much i admired her for her strength through watching her daughtr basicly through her life away. i explained to her in those words in the text above how i love her and this was never a plot against her or anyon but against my own body that i did not want to grow
she said thak you when she read it i think the xplanation feels good when she knows that i am doing bettr now before anything i said was nothign cause she had no idea if i wa talking or it was my e-d trying t get away with something, but th thing i and eating disorder comes from within it is our reaction to things how we cope. not because of them but because we don't know ow to cope othrwise.

 

[Mari]

we have a mini dictator in our head

I am really thinking about that one. It makes everything clear and confusing at the same time. How do we take back control?? Stupid mini dictator! :hissyfit: I am cheering for you Ashley. :heart: Mari

 

[Ashley-Kate]

We take back controle when we finally ee that we a worth more than the voice! that we want more for ourselves! so any things can make u just wake up and for some it may take longuer than other but in all of that we have to really work for us not to plese evryone else but to do it for us othr wise we won't make it we will relapse cause we won't be dissapointing ourselves, when you do it for you yout ry harder cause you want to be proud and if you mes up it is you that youare messing up on and that motivates you to try even more make it a challenge a goal .. as loing weight once was ake eating as healthy as possible one like three eals a day all 4 groups and snacks . that is so much more fun than trying to convince your brain that you are not hungry