Letting go?

[AllyCat]

Hi everyone
I'm not sure where to post this but here goes. I am a survivor of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse. The thing I'm grappeling with at the moment is how to just let things go. Specifically how to let go of the fact that my mother never cared. I try and stay away from her as much as possible because she is a narcsisist (and there is nothing I can do about it). But I just want to let go of all the things she has done in the past and just move on. I just want it over. I know there is no hope for her to change but I think somewhere in me I still find it so hard to believe that even after I told her about the sexual abuse she didn't care (not at all, not one little bit) she brushed it off like it was nothing and meant nothing. I really want to not hate her for not helping me through the aftermath but how do I do this. How can a mother do that? Isn't there some maternal instinct that's supposed to kick in when your child is hurt, wouldn't a mother want to help? Is there a stage in my life I still have to get to that it all just fades away? My mind is moving at a trillion miles per hour all the time and I wish it would stop analysing and justifing but I don't know how to stop it. Is it possible to ever be OK with my mom. Do single mothers just not have enough time for their kids or is it just mine? Can I explain away her mistakes by saying "well she was a single mom that raised (sort of raised) 3 kids, you can't really blame her for not having time for them". I don't know if I want answers or if I am just ranting, but hopefully I will come to some conclusion or direction after posting this.
Thanks for reading.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are you currently seeing a therapist? or have you in the past?

 

[Jazzey]

Hi everyone
I'm not sure where to post this but here goes. I am a survivor of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse. The thing I'm grappeling with at the moment is how to just let things go. Specifically how to let go of the fact that my mother never cared. I try and stay away from her as much as possible because she is a narcsisist (and there is nothing I can do about it).

Yes, I understand these statements very well. I'm also grappling with understanding why or how a mother gets to not care about her children.

But I just want to let go of all the things she has done in the past and just move on. I just want it over.

I think you can do this - but not on your own. A psychologist can really assist in this vein. And, it's not an overnight process. It takes time and a lot of guidance from a psychologist to help you find peace with the past, with those emotions. I don't think we'll ever really erase all of it. But I'm optimistic that we can learn to cope with those issues.

I know there is no hope for her to change but I think somewhere in me I still find it so hard to believe that even after I told her about the sexual abuse she didn't care (not at all, not one little bit) she brushed it off like it was nothing and meant nothing. I really want to not hate her for not helping me through the aftermath but how do I do this. How can a mother do that? Isn't there some maternal instinct that's supposed to kick in when your child is hurt, wouldn't a mother want to help? Is there a stage in my life I still have to get to that it all just fades away?

I'd like to think so too. But, unfortunately, it's not true of all mothers. Particularly ones who exhibit narcissistic tendencies...

My mind is moving at a trillion miles per hour all the time and I wish it would stop analysing and justifing but I don't know how to stop it. Is it possible to ever be OK with my mom.

Yes, I know the trillion thoughts at the same time too. And, like you, I wish I could stop analyzing all of it. Because inevitably, what I do - is shift the blame on myself. Whether I recognize that I'm doing it or not - I just do it. Again, a psychologist can help you slow down those thoughts and give you the tools to do critical analysis - one that doesn't carry the biases that we'll automatically have because of our upbringing.

Do single mothers just not have enough time for their kids or is it just mine? Can I explain away her mistakes by saying "well she was a single mom that raised (sort of raised) 3 kids, you can't really blame her for not having time for them".

No, it's just your mother. I know plenty of single moms who are absolutely great moms.

I don't know if I want answers or if I am just ranting, but hopefully I will come to some conclusion or direction after posting this.
Thanks for reading.

Either way, it's still good.

 

[Simon Attwood]

The first truth you must come to is that you will never be able to let this go and move on in the way that you hope to.

The memory of how you were treated is a powerful memory and it cannot be washed from your mind.

that said there are ways of better coming to terms with what happened, but they aren't easy, it involves understading what is actually happening, or was happening in their heads at the time. It involves finding out their motives, their conflicts, and it involves finding a dark place within yourself that could trigger the same motives and conflcts in you, and it's about surviving this place. It really isn't easy at all, but it can be done, and it will free you to move forward.

you say "wouldn't a mother want to help?", you mention maternal instinct, and yes your mother had these things, but we have many instincts and many drives, not all of them are as constructive or as loving as the maternal instinct, and often these instincts, needs and drives are in conflict with the loving instincts, some of them could be described as evil, but evil is driven by fear, and it sounds to me that fear may have dominated your mother at this time, and it was powerful enough to undermine her maternal instincts.

 

[Jazzey]

that said there are ways of better coming to terms with what happened, but they aren't easy, it involves understading what is actually happening, or was happening in their heads at the time. It involves finding out their motives, their conflicts, and it involves finding a dark place within yourself that could trigger the same motives and conflcts in you, and it's about surviving this place.

While I respect your perspective, I just can't agree with this statement. I don't need to understand my mother's motivations. It won't assist me in being ok with me. Rather, I want to recognize that she had her own motives, some which had nothing to do with me. And more importantly, I want to resolve my own conflicts about my upbringing - not hers. I need to get to a spot where I can accept my past, appreciate that it is part of my past and, while I can't change it, I can certainly look forward and carve a better life for myself. But, I absolutely refuse to implicate my mother in any of my recovery - that, to me, is tantamount to again placing her as the one occupying the more important place. Nope, can't do that anymore.

you say "wouldn't a mother want to help?", you mention maternal instinct, and yes your mother had these things, but we have many instincts and many drives, not all of them are as constructive or as loving as the maternal instinct, and often these instincts, needs and drives are in conflict with the loving instincts, some of them could be described as evil, but evil is driven by fear, and it sounds to me that fear may have dominated your mother at this time, and it was powerful enough to undermine her maternal instincts.

Again, I think it's difficult to speculate as to why people do what they do. And I'm not certain that it's important to AC's recovery. Just my opinion on the matter.

I would never want to provide a survivor with a means to 'understand' or be sympathetic to someone who's essentially been an accomplice to the abuse. Maybe even a perpetrator. Again, in my opinion, it's completely irrelevant what AK's mother thought, felt etc..or what motivated her. What counts is that she wasn't there at a time when her daughter needed her to be there.

 

[white page]

Hi Allycat,
I am so very sorry that your parent, did not acknowledge your hurt, finding the explanation why will help you with understanding the dynamics of her indifference. However this does not excuse her lack of protection of you.

Do single mothers just not have enough time for their kids or is it just mine?

It is true that single parents have a hard time fulfilling all the roles in the household, but when it comes down to issues of abuse towards their children, lack of time is no excuse.Somethings may go by the way, such as house chores and enough priveleged time with the children. but not the appropriate protection of them
It may also be that your Mom was very young when faced with all that responsibility and a lack of maturity may contribute with an underdeveloped empathy towards others.
Have you ever asked her face to face why she never reacted?
If you are not seeing a therapist, it may be a good idea to see one, in order to work through the trauma of the abuse and the negligence of your Mom.
It is possible to reach a state of acceptance and serenity about bad parenting, hating a parent takes too much energy and ambivelent emotion.
. One day you may be able to forgive her, but if you cannot then you will be able to accept that you cannot.

best wishes wp

 

[Simon Attwood]

with respect, Jazzey, no one needs to understand anything, but to move on requires forgiveness and forgiveness requires understanding.

Melanie Klein put it;

If we become able, deep in our unconscious minds, to clear our feelings to some extent towards our parents of grievances and have forgiven them for the frustration we had to bear, then we can be at peace with ourselves and are able to love others in the true sense of the word.

not matter how great the grievance is, forgiveness and understanding are really the only way to move out of the chains that these past experiences bind us with

I would say that perhaps you just aren't ready to forgive yet?
unreasoning fear is the root cause of all that we call evil in this world, it is a powerful motivator, more powerful than almost any other instinct, because in terms of our evolution, it is one of our oldest emotions. If put under enough stress, a wild animal will miscary it's young to save itself, so much for maternal instinct, survival instinct can be much stronger, even if it is misdirected in the case of unreasoning fear within our modern environment.

 

[Jazzey]

Ok, I see where you're coming from. And yes, I'm not ready to forgive just yet.

 

[white page]

The first truth you must come to is that you will never be able to let this go and move on in the way that you hope to.

AlleyCat, with all due respect to Simon Attwood, I think it is perhaps a little bit strong to say this in such a catagoric way.

It is for a therapist to help you along the road towards a greater serenity, and not for us to tell you that you will not or will do what you hope for.
We are here to support you and maybe give you advice on how and where to look for help, we are not qualified to analyse or direct your thoughts in anyway. Please feel free to talk and rant or vent here, we are here to listen and to comfort.:hug:

All the best wp.

 

[Simon Attwood]

perhaps it was a bit strong

an analogy might be an open wound, there are 2 schools of thought (and these, in my experience, are mirrored in therapy) one is to patch or bind the wound, the other is to let it breathe.

Or perhaps better still, a splinter; you know digging it out will be painful, so you postpone it, and while you postpone it, infection sets in.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The first truth you must come to is that you will never be able to let this go and move on in the way that you hope to.

The memory of how you were treated is a powerful memory and it cannot be washed from your mind.

"Letting go" is not the same as forgetting and doesn't require "washing a memory from your mind". It's not about that - it's about coming to terms with what happened and moving on from it.

that said there are ways of better coming to terms with what happened, but they aren't easy, it involves understanding what is actually happening, or was happening in their heads at the time. It involves finding out their motives, their conflicts, and it involves finding a dark place within yourself that could trigger the same motives and conflicts in you, and it's about surviving this place.

I totally disagree with this. Moving on and coping with abuse does not require forgiveness or understanding "what was happening in [the abuser's] head at the time", and it certainly does not require trying to take yourself to a "dark place where you trigger the same motives and conflicts" as the abuser. Not only is that unnecessary, I believe that may well be damaging and counterproductive.

you say "wouldn't a mother want to help?", you mention maternal instinct, and yes your mother had these things

How can you be so certain of this? Do you really believe that psychopaths or narcissists have any real maternal instincts? I doubt that.

evil is driven by fear

Not necessarily. Psychopaths often don't feel anxiety or fear at all and their evil is certainly not dependent on fear.

I don't need to understand my mother's motivations. It won't assist me in being ok with me. Rather, I want to recognize that she had her own motives, some which had nothing to do with me.

Exactly. You don't need to understand her or her motives. You need to understand only that they were hers and that they had nothing to do with you or who you are. You were merely a target or pawn to her.

I need to get to a spot where I can accept my past, appreciate that it is part of my past and, while I can't change it, I can certainly look forward and carve a better life for myself.

Yes, exactly.

I would never want to provide a survivor with a means to 'understand' or be sympathetic to someone who's essentially been an accomplice to the abuse. Maybe even a perpetrator. Again, in my opinion, it's completely irrelevant what AK's mother thought, felt etc..or what motivated her.

I agree.

with respect, Jazzey, no one needs to understand anything, but to move on requires forgiveness and forgiveness requires understanding.

No. It doesn't. It only requires that the abused understand that the abuse happened because of something about and inside the abuser. No more. It certainly does not require forgiveness, only acceptance.

no matter how great the grievance is, forgiveness and understanding are really the only way to move out of the chains that these past experiences bind us with

Absolutely not true.

I would say that perhaps you just aren't ready to forgive yet?

It is not necessary that she ever forgive.

unreasoning fear is the root cause of all that we call evil in this world

Not true at all. See my comments about psychopathy above.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Thread split to http://forum.psychlinks.ca/antisoci...isorder/20001-psychopathy-and-narcissism.html

 

[AllyCat]

Thanks everyone for your replies. First off, I am seeing a therapist but I haven't been able to see hime for about a month. And I'm also starting to to think maybe I'm not in the right therapy, my hearts not in it but my mind is. It's just so hard to truly accept that someone could not care to that extent. I just want to not think about it when I see her. I can't cut her out of my life completely because I lovve my gran and she lives with my mom. I would just like to let go of what she has said and done in the past so there is no more energy wasted on it. But therapy is not really helping, I am still no closer to my goal than I was a year ago. Am I doing something wrong? I can see my therapist is trying hard to help me but he has even wondered sometimes if he is actually helping me. I approach everything from an analysing perspective and I can see my misconceptions and thoughts and how they affect me and what's wrong with them, and what's right with them. But I don't feel any of it. How do I let go of something if I don't feel how hurt or sad I am about it? I just have so much tension in my body the whole time but no emotion shows.
Sorry if some of this doesn't make sense or is not connecting properly I'm just writing as I'm thinking.

 

[white page]

Hi Alley Cat,
What you wrote makes perfect sense, Letting go of hurts such as this does take time,
I can only truly relate to my own experience, perhaps if I talk about it to you here, it may help as there are some similarities.
I had a Mom, who has a severe mental problem, who was / is totally turned towards herself.
As a little child, all I needed was a bit of cherishing , nurturing and protection from my Mom. This didn't happen.
I grew up hating her and feeling constant grief that she had not the slightest feeling for me apart from distaste.However I continued to try to get some approval, needless to say self esteem was non existent.

There was a point when I started therapy, at first nothing seemed to happen, I heard and understood what the therapist was saying, as an adult I understood my Mom's incapacity for normal emotion. I understood that in her own way she was struggling, but my own hurt stopped me from any evolution.
However gradually , very gradually I accepted how horrific and innappropriate my Mom's parenting had been, the grief was extremely intense. and with this a new and unexpected release of emotion, anger, desolation, compassion, and later elation and hope.

Having another person acknowledge and have deep compassion for the abuse one suffered allows oneself to have the same deep compassion for oneself.

I did manage to let go, of a lost and atrocious childhood, I did manage to let go of needing any approval from my parent, yes it still hurts, but it doesn't govern my life any more.

I have compassion for her now, I do not love her, the hasard of life made me the child of a sick lady, however it is my choice to live my life in a nice way now. It took time to get to this point. It took time to release and identify the emotions locked up due to the bad parenting. So I do understand your post.

Going back to your therapist, perhaps you can talk to him about a change of therapist, I am not saying that he is not competent, it may just be a question of personality. We don't always hit on the right therapist for us straight of.

Therapy is about you, about accepting who you are , because of what happened.
It is about feeling the appropriate emotions for what happened. And then you can move on.
For instance abused children feel guilt and shame about the abuse, therapy helps them to feel anger and acceptance that they were the victims and that the guilt and shame belongs firmly and completely to the abuser and not to them.The reasons why the abuser was an abuser is not relevant.
Sorry this is a bit rambly

Take care wp

 

[AllyCat]

Thank you so much WhitePage for your story. It really has given me a bit of hope in the realisation that maybe I'm not doing anything wrong in therapy but that it will just take a bit of time. At the moment it feels like the part of me in therapy is the part that uses her head and thinks too much instead of the part of me that needs the help in feeling her emotions.
I think me therapist is a good fit as we did "click" from the beginning, it's just maybe the type of therapy and also that there is still some sort of "block" that I'm not getting through in myself.
I do hope that one day I will be able to feel again and experience life as it's meant to be.
Thanks again and your post is not rambly it was just what I needed.

 

[white page]

:hug: Hey AlleyCat , I am so pleased that my post was a little helpful, thankyou. We are here for you.

Thank you so much WhitePage for your story. It really has given me a bit of hope in the realisation that maybe I'm not doing anything wrong in therapy but that it will just take a bit of time. At the moment it feels like the part of me in therapy is the part that uses her head and thinks too much instead of the part of me that needs the help in feeling her emotions.
I think me therapist is a good fit as we did "click" from the beginning, it's just maybe the type of therapy and also that there is still some sort of "block" that I'm not getting through in myself.
I do hope that one day I will be able to feel again and experience life as it's meant to be.
Thanks again and your post is not rambly it was just what I needed.

 

[crzycadn]

Hi Alley Cat,

Mothers and Daughters - I can relate. I was not physically or sexually abused by my mother, but her abuse was just as bad. She just did not care at all. She was a bitter, self-absorbed, selfish woman and it wasn't until after she died that I finally came to terms with her. And you know what? - I can only conclude that she did the best she could. Whether it was because of her own terrible childhood and abuse, the early years with my father who was an alcoholic and beat her, her own alcoholism or mental health issues - for whatever reason I can think of - she was not a good mother at all, and if she knew she wasn't, she didn't care. Now when I think of her, I feel sorry for her. I realize that it wasn't my fault she was unhappy and a lousy mother, but maybe, it wasn't hers either. Times were different 30 years ago and all she had to help was booze and valium.

My advice would be to try and open up with a therapist about your mother as you still have to have contact with her. I hope someone can get you to open up about it as this will be your road to acceptance of her behaviour and that it is not your fault or problem. How she acts or acted is up to her - how you react is up to you.

 

[white page]

I would just like to add, that hate for an abusive parent, is an appropriate positive emotion to have in the first instance, it allows us to survive. However it can paradoxically become destructive as it can interfere with our capacity to feel emotions for ourselves, it takes up much energy and it can become obssesive. A state of indifference is easier to live with.
But it takes time to achieve. and is not always entirely possible. I still feel rushes of great anger at times. But I have learned to cope with them.

 

[crzycadn]

Wow - that's on the nose. I never hated my mother, but I didn't love her either. When she died, I felt nothing really. However, like you, I've learned to deal.

What a great story that I am sure many children of "lousy" parents can relate to.

 

[AllyCat]

However it can paradoxically become destructive as it can interfere with our capacity to feel emotions for ourselves, it takes up much energy and it can become obssesive. A state of indifference is easier to live with.

I think I've gotten to the point where it's become destructive because I don't feel anything, it's like I'm a shell with no emotion. I don't think I want to achieve a state of indifference (it's what I feel now), I think I need to feel the hurt so I can let it go. The only thing I feel sometimes is anger, and keeping everything in is taking up a lot of energy. But I just don't know how to express it or experience it or let it go (I'm a bit stuck at the moment).
Thanks for the replies at least I know I'm not alone in this.