Letting go?

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Hi AlleyCat,
I think there is a difference between numbness and indifference. That is what I was trying to say. I didnt express it to well rhough.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

I understand where you are coming from. I was also raised by a single mother, and I was also a victim of emotional and sexual child abuse. My mom worked crazy hours and was never really around, she is also not an "emotional" person and after 21 years, she still can't really connect with me at an emotional level. That doesn't mean she doesn't care...it just means she can't be here for me the way I want/need her to. Our parents want us to be happy, and they will never stop loving us. I've come to learn that sometimes parents who push things aside or turn away from solving problems don't do it because they don't care...they do it because maybe it's too hard for them to face...and maybe turning away is easier than feeling the emotional pain of it all.
When I told my mom about the sexual abuse I had endured...as a child and as a teen, she also brushed it away...but I came to learn it WASN'T because she didn't care...it was because it hurt so much and she didn't know how to express that kind of emotion.
I don't think you should let go, I think you should hold on, but I think you should let go of the pressure your putting on yourself! Your too hard on yourself.
The day I realized I was the only person who could take care of me and my life...was the last day I was a victim and the first day I was a survivor.

 

[AllyCat]

Hi Eye Stigmata
I understand where you are coming from but I realised the only person who could take care of me was me when I was about 7. With my mom it was always "Don't come to me with your problems because you are burdening me, sort them out yourself". She didn't do anything when her husband was beating me sensless from the age of 4 until 9 and she didn't do anything about her boyfriend molesting me from age 9 until 12. When I told her she even said some hurtfull things to me, like I am the only mistake she has ever made. At first I also thought maybe she is just choosing to hide away from these things because it's too much for her to handle, because she is also not good at emotions. But I have come to terms that unforunately I was deluding myself and she didn't actually care because it had nothing to do with her. Everything was about her and her problems and how she had been hurt and how I should actualy feel sorry for her. I know I'm hard on myself but I guess thats what happens when I had to figure out my own rules and my expectations of myself. Thanks for the reply

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Well it's obvious that you care for your mom or this issue wouldn't be bothering you so much. My mom brushed off many of the issues surrounding my abuse/abusers too. Not to mention a lot of the same hurtful words were used. (I was adopted) So believe me when I say I know what you mean about the burdening and guilt trips.
Have you considered family therapy with just you and your mom and a therapist? I know family therapy can be hard... it didn't work for me and my mom, but I know people that it has worked for.
What about writing her a letter about how you feel? Maybe she feels the need to defend herself when you talk to her about it face to face. Sometimes writing a letter can take the pressure off and can give her more time to understand what you are trying to say without getting so defensive...?

 

[AllyCat]

I like the idea of writing a letter, because first I don't have to see her, and second there is no way she would go to a therapist. She believes therapists are evil people who are just going to brainwash me (ironically my sister is studying to be a psychologist). It does bother me a lot so maybe I will write a letter. It might blow up in my face but it can't get any worse than it is.