More threads by AndPao


Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry for not introducing myself earlier. I'm very pleased to have found such friendly and supportive people on this forum.

I'm female, in my mid-20s, and sometimes I can roll through life without too much trouble. But from time to time I find things very difficult to cope with. Someone gave me a very good analogy once: it's as though I'm a car with poor suspension. When the road is straight, level and even, no one would know. But given a few bumps in the road, or a substantial big bump, I'm in trouble. On one of those days, you could look up any number of syndromes or mental illnesses, and I would appear to be suffering from them all!

As a teenager I was uprooted from one country into another, and I found that very difficult to cope with. I was diagnosed as being depressed, and was treated with medication, which I took on and off for years. I was told by my school counsellor and psychiatrist that it was a problem inherent in my being. So I saw myself as being a deficient person.

In the past year I have been able to see that I was actually put in a very difficult situation, with lots of challenges (moving to another country, with a different language, being placed in a class with people a year older than me - which is a big deal when you're 13 -, my parents living apart at the time, and my being thrust into a totally different, "elite", social climate that I didn't know how to cope with...) and it was bound to be a challenging time. It was a great relief to realise this, and made a huge difference to me, to recognise the impact of the situation and not just my own inadequacy.

But I am still very sensitive. It only takes a few knocks for me to slip into self-loathing, sadness, resentment. I generally feel inadequate, like an emotionally underdeveloped runt. I am totally lacking in confidence in social situations: I never know the right thing to say or do, and things often go wrong for me in that respect. I see other people being able to judge situations and people, and I just don't have what it takes to do that. I don't feel entitled to do so, I don't feel like a "proper" person: I wouldn't know what "proper" people would do/think/feel. I seem to be quite rash, and I think I often make inappropriate comments. I am always regretting. I wish I could learn instead, and know the right thing to say, or not to say. I think moving around didn't help. It took so long to adjust to the first move. I then returned to my home country some 6 years later, and that was another adjustment that took time. What I mean is, I don't seem to have the proper grounding in either situation.

I have been feeling very lonely recently. I'm not very good at nourishing the friendships I have, and I can be harsh with people, as I can with myself. I guess I can also sometimes be quite self-centred.

I don't really know what to do about it. I fully expect to continue to have these feelings on and off throughout my life, as that seems to be the way things are with me. I can't see what will break the pattern. I guess I must try to accept it, or hope I can someday be a strong enough person to be in control of my emotions (and mouth!) and not vice versa.

And, unfortunately I have also been struggling with worsening symptoms of OCD. I guess that must be what it is, though I've never had a real diagnosis. It's taking me longer and longer to get out of the house in the mornings, having to check more and more things, more and more times.

I'm really sorry to have gone on and on. I guess I needed to have a good wallow. I'll probably be alright again soon enough.

Oh, I did one of those online test things, and I do seem to score rather highly for markers of Borderline Personality Disorder...

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Hi, AndPao:

I too moved around a lot as a child and there's no doubt that it has an impact. The positive thing for me was that it taught me how to go into new situations and fit in quickly -- in my case, I used humor as a way of doing that. The down side was that when younger I didn't develop enduring friendships because it was pretty much a given that we'd be moving again in anywhere from 6 months to a year or two (one year I was in three different schools) so i didn't really learn to commit to friendships until well into my adult years.

I don't know about your self-diagnosis -- that's always a dangerous game. But if you are seeing the OCD-like symptoms becoming increasingly disruptive, go and talk to your doctor about it -- there are several thingsd that can help.


Welcome AndPao!

Glad you finally stepped in to say hello. Hope you meet some new friends here who can share some of the things that have helped them with similar concerns.
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