Looking for advice from parents

[264m3]

I have been dating a lovely man for the past 2 years. We met in college- he was a year ahead in school than I was; he just graduated and moved 800 mi away to attend graduate school. I have remained in my home state to finish my final year of college and graduate with my undergraduate degree. We have been doing the LDR-thing for our year apart. My parents have never been to fond of him- though they don't blatantly dislike him, they feel we are both too young to be as serious as we are (I'll be 20, he's 23).

With graduation coming soon in May, I must choose whether to stay close to home and find a job or move to his city and work there. Because he is in a PhD program, he does not have the option of moving until after he completes his program (which will be at minimum another 4 years). I understand that there is a huge risk involved in moving- thus, I do not intend to be financially dependent or living with my boyfried so that in the event that things did go downhill, I would not be putting my well-being at risk. Even so, the thought of moving makes me nervous as I have never done so (with the exception of attending college 4 hrs from home- which is hardly a move).

No matter what I do, I will step on someone's toes. I've never had a true 'fight to the death' with my parents and don't wish to do so. I have two younger brothers in high school whom I'd love to be around for. But, I also don't want to risk losing a man I truly love and now is the time to move- I'm young, unattached to a house or executive position.

I see three options:

1. Continue to reside and work in my home state. Outcomes: family problems non-existent, puts relationship on hold
2. Move to his state to reside and work. Outcomes: family problems ensue, solid relationship move (assuming things go well)
3. Move home and work for a company that has offices in both states. Work for several months in home state, living at home and saving money for future use, request a transfer to his state.

Outcomes: still family drama (perhaps less), moving to be close to him, although it would certainly delay the process.


Have I overlooked something? Or am I being foolish trying to please all parties involved? Have you ever dealt directly or indirectly with this?
I'm trying to be respectful of my family (very conservative and Catholic) and also conscious and aware of my professional and personal future.

Thanks,
Stuck in the middle

 

[Always Changing]

As a parent my view would be that 2yrs (1 being LD) in my humble opinion is not long enough for anyone your age to consider your relationship solid enough to risk travelling (and attempting to settle) 800miles from home for the 1st time. Too many things can go wrong despite the best of planning. I am not saying they will, but reality is they can and sometime do.

If it is indeed as solid as you believe it to be..
then Option 1 would be my recommendation as there is no risk of losing the man you love. (You wait for him to finish his schooling). This way you have both your family and your b/f, (LD with holidays etc etc where ye can spend time in each others company.)

Have I overlooked something?

have you given thought to, If you move to his city, and as you say family problems ensue, is there or do you think you will have an "open door" back home if things don't work out with the b/f or your (prospective) work or both.

they feel we are both too young to be as serious as we are (I'll be 20, he's 23).

I would agree
Option 3. Wait another year maybe instead of a few months (21\22) a little older, a little wiser more work experience behind you (and more money in the bank).

I admire the fact that you have given this a fair bit of thought and seem like a very considerate young person.
also, I am not sure that you need to make this decision just yet. May is amall bit in the distance, you can plan and save etc in the meantime and see what happens\or changes maybe, who knows. Keep an open mind and keep talking with your parents to ease their concerns and your own regarding them.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Some different perspectives:

-- I've got a girlfriend who vowed never to move to another city for a guy (she did once and it didn't work out, which is why). Her attitude is, if the guy loves her, he'll darn well wait for her/continue with the Long Distance relationship. She doesn't feel it is up to her to move to another city for a guy, she totally thinks that if a guy loves her that much, than he can darn well come and move to her city. lol In your case, I guess she would opt for option 1.

-- I was in a similar situation as you, and my then-fiance at the time was 20 and I was 18. My parents were NOT happy that we got engaged that young. But (lucky for me) the wedding was not until I was 20. That gave me some time to gain some perspective on our relationship. Part of the time he was away teaching about a 9 hour drive away. The two years between engagement and actual wedding gave my fiance time to break up with me not once, but twice. He kept breaking up with me because of what I considered an abnormally close relationship he seemed to have with his sister who hated my guts. And because we were probably both a bit immature. Let's just say, the second time he broke up with me, I didn't give him the chance to break up with me a third time. As far as I was concerned, if he liked his sister that much, maybe the two of them should get married. lol Not trying to be a doom-sayer, but just try to use your head and not your heart with this one, just for a couple more years maybe...

-- My opinion is, if you did go with your heart instead of your head, the best option would be option 3. You would still be near your parents for a bit longer and have some more time to gain life experience and see how the long distance relationship fairs. If you get transferred to where he lives and it works out, good to go! If it falls through, at least you have some money and can sustain yourself for a while until you can transfer back to your home state, or have options open to you... You wouldn't be stuck and dependent on him, that is.

 

[battleworn]

My first question is, how strongly does he feel for you? Either way, he needs to be totally "in to you" to wait or assume the meaning and feelings (i.e. commitment) behind your moving. Follow your instincts.

Secondly, you seem very mature and thoughtful. I would recommend going inside of yourself and looking for what YOU want, irregardless of what he wants or what your parents want.

No matter what happens, you have a whole wonderful life ahead of you. Good Luck.