My 16 year old daughter who has borderline traits sees a female therapist who she claims she is inlove with. she idealizes her and thinks about her constantly according to her. My question... Is she going to her for therapy or is she just going just to see her? Should i try to find another therapist or stick with her? My daughter has said that she is afraid to get better because she will lose Beth. She does help my daughter in alot of ways but i still think she needs more help in learning the DBT strategies.
- Thread starter Liza
- Start date
Re: Looking for advice.
Hi Liza,
Welcome to the forum.
I don't know enough about BPD to address that side of things, but it sounds like there is definitely some transference going on with your daughter and her therapist. Transference is normal and therapists are trained to deal with it, but they need to know it's happening to address it.
How long has your daughter been seeing Beth? I know that when I was relatively new to therapy, I completely obsessed about my therapist day and night, imagined what it would be like to live with her, went places where I might run into her (grocery store near her house, etc)...as the therapeutic relationship deepened the "novelty" for lack of a better word wore off, and the relationship became more balanced and "normal".
I would encourage you to encourage your daughter to talk to Beth about her feelings, reassuring her they're normal and ok. If things don't change in the long term (including your daughter's mental health and coping skills) then it may be wise to consider a new therapist.
Hi Liza,
Welcome to the forum.
I don't know enough about BPD to address that side of things, but it sounds like there is definitely some transference going on with your daughter and her therapist. Transference is normal and therapists are trained to deal with it, but they need to know it's happening to address it.
How long has your daughter been seeing Beth? I know that when I was relatively new to therapy, I completely obsessed about my therapist day and night, imagined what it would be like to live with her, went places where I might run into her (grocery store near her house, etc)...as the therapeutic relationship deepened the "novelty" for lack of a better word wore off, and the relationship became more balanced and "normal".
I would encourage you to encourage your daughter to talk to Beth about her feelings, reassuring her they're normal and ok. If things don't change in the long term (including your daughter's mental health and coping skills) then it may be wise to consider a new therapist.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Liza, that sort of reaction is not uncommon with borderline personality disorder. She will likely do that with any therapist so there's little advantage in trying to switch her to another therapist. Additionally, unless you have reason not to trust the therapist, I would expect/assume that the therapist is well aware of what is going on and well equipped to deal with it.
eTransference
Member
Liza,
Your question is an important one. First of all, I should mention that I have both personal and professional interests in BPD. Through my years of research and being a patient in therapy, I have had the opportunity to learn much about the psychotherapeutic relationship, which is a very complex one, to say the least. The previous responses seem to have had a lot to say and have no doubt proven to be very helpful to you with regards to your current situation. From here, I?d like to offer my own take on the matter.
The way you describe your daughter?s situation has ?transference? written all over it. Transference has been described in many different ways by many different theorists and professionals representing a variety of schools of thoughts and backgrounds. Simply put, one may define transference as the feelings the patient experiences toward their therapist which stem from those of a more primitive nature. These feelings are representations of those experienced at a much earlier time in the patient?s development, and are correlated with interactions with major figures in the person?s life such as parental figures. Since therapy brings many feelings to the surface, it is difficult for the patient to make sense of the origins of such, let alone make the connection between present and past experiences; in fact, this is often only realized through the therapeutic process. Anyway, I don?t think it necessary or appropriate to get too far into this aspect of the transference, because that would entail answering a whole other question (which, by the way, I?d absolutely LOVE to elaborate on if you?d like).
Although I obviously don?t know the specifics surrounding your daughter?s situation, based upon your description, I think it?s fair to say that she has developed quite a strong attachment to her therapist ? great! That is a large part of what the psychotherapeutic relationship entails, in fact one may argue that such is the relationship. Thus, I would see this as extremely positive; it is only when we truly feel comfortable and connected with someone that we can open up and fully trust them. This is so important, especially at her age. Many people are quite resistant to therapy, so her actually wanting to go is wonderful, regardless of the reason. I would certainly encourage this.
With regards to your daughter being afraid to get better, rest assured that this is also a common phenomenon. In fact, Freud spoke of this dynamic in several of his writings. This theme is especially common in patients who exhibit borderline traits, given the very real fears of abandonment intrinsic to such a state.
Finally, DBT offers many great skills, but is usually not done by the primary therapist, but rather, is addressed either separately with someone else one on one, or in a group setting. My suggestion here would be to find out specifically what kind of skills your daughter and her current therapist are utilizing as part of her treatment plan. If you determine that what she is receiving is insufficient, I?d suggest opting for another therapist or counselor in addition to her current therapist. Again, I don?t think getting rid of her current therapist is the way to go. Remember, the feelings your daughter has expressed are an important part of the therapeutic process. You should encourage such and keep an open mind and ear.
I should also mention that I?m currently writing a book regarding transference as understood by the layperson and welcome any questions.
I hope you find this post helpful. If you find such to be the case, may I ask your permission to anonymously incorporate it in my book? Others may find your question helpful.
All the best,
-eT
Your question is an important one. First of all, I should mention that I have both personal and professional interests in BPD. Through my years of research and being a patient in therapy, I have had the opportunity to learn much about the psychotherapeutic relationship, which is a very complex one, to say the least. The previous responses seem to have had a lot to say and have no doubt proven to be very helpful to you with regards to your current situation. From here, I?d like to offer my own take on the matter.
The way you describe your daughter?s situation has ?transference? written all over it. Transference has been described in many different ways by many different theorists and professionals representing a variety of schools of thoughts and backgrounds. Simply put, one may define transference as the feelings the patient experiences toward their therapist which stem from those of a more primitive nature. These feelings are representations of those experienced at a much earlier time in the patient?s development, and are correlated with interactions with major figures in the person?s life such as parental figures. Since therapy brings many feelings to the surface, it is difficult for the patient to make sense of the origins of such, let alone make the connection between present and past experiences; in fact, this is often only realized through the therapeutic process. Anyway, I don?t think it necessary or appropriate to get too far into this aspect of the transference, because that would entail answering a whole other question (which, by the way, I?d absolutely LOVE to elaborate on if you?d like).
Although I obviously don?t know the specifics surrounding your daughter?s situation, based upon your description, I think it?s fair to say that she has developed quite a strong attachment to her therapist ? great! That is a large part of what the psychotherapeutic relationship entails, in fact one may argue that such is the relationship. Thus, I would see this as extremely positive; it is only when we truly feel comfortable and connected with someone that we can open up and fully trust them. This is so important, especially at her age. Many people are quite resistant to therapy, so her actually wanting to go is wonderful, regardless of the reason. I would certainly encourage this.
With regards to your daughter being afraid to get better, rest assured that this is also a common phenomenon. In fact, Freud spoke of this dynamic in several of his writings. This theme is especially common in patients who exhibit borderline traits, given the very real fears of abandonment intrinsic to such a state.
Finally, DBT offers many great skills, but is usually not done by the primary therapist, but rather, is addressed either separately with someone else one on one, or in a group setting. My suggestion here would be to find out specifically what kind of skills your daughter and her current therapist are utilizing as part of her treatment plan. If you determine that what she is receiving is insufficient, I?d suggest opting for another therapist or counselor in addition to her current therapist. Again, I don?t think getting rid of her current therapist is the way to go. Remember, the feelings your daughter has expressed are an important part of the therapeutic process. You should encourage such and keep an open mind and ear.
I should also mention that I?m currently writing a book regarding transference as understood by the layperson and welcome any questions.
I hope you find this post helpful. If you find such to be the case, may I ask your permission to anonymously incorporate it in my book? Others may find your question helpful.
All the best,
-eT
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