Looking for answers

[morinfen]

Hi, my name is Nate and im from South Carolina, USA. I was formerly in the service as a soldier of the united states army where i was discharged under a 5-13 which is categorized as a personality disorder with mixed traits, which in my personality was a very "loose" diagnosis and was not as through as i think it should have been, partly my fault this was. The problem was that being in the military in a training environment when you go see a psychologist they are usually officers and not civillians, and there is no "confidentiality" code because they "own you" sort of speak. Being in this environment i seemed to have things from my past come back and haunt me to an extent, and disturb me to the point where i could not sleep, i branded a lightning bolt on my arm, and started acting very irrational. At one point they sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me prozac and i took it every day for at least 2 months. The medication seemed to help me in a way, i was much less shy and i felt a bit happier, less depressed. On the other hand it made me very dillusional and made me act even more irrational and do things i feel i would have never done off the medication. At one point in time i lost it, took off my uniform in front of my whole battallion of roughly 300 soldiers and began throwing my uniform down on the ground and i walked back to the my barracks and grabbed a pair of scissors and ran out into the woods, where i was later apprehended. Im still not sure to this day what my intentions really were that day, suicide perhaps? Im not sure, i just feel that it was definately from taking the prozac. The reason im putting all this on this forum is because every day i feel more and more distressed in my mind, and i cannot afford to go seek psychiatric help, and on top of that i cant drive and have no transportation to do so anyways. I cannot sleep, i have weird dreams that bring up bad moments from my past and i will lay in bed for hours and hours just thinking about the stupidest things. I constantly do things repeatedly because it seems like the "right" thing to do at the time, for example i have an aquarium that keeps me busy during the day and i constantly do water changes and i wall arrange the aquarium a certain way, and the next day i completely take it apart and rearrange it, i do this constantly, but i feel at the moment it needs to be done, its not right, need to be different, at the same time i think why? And all in all i always end up with dead fish and then i go buy new ones and the process goes on and on. I also will have this idea pop into my head that sounds great like starting a new business and i will really put thought into it, maybe some money, and then the next day i get depressed because all of a sudden it sounds stupid, then some time will go buy and i will do the same thing over again. I used to draw to help deal with my emotions but for some reason i could have this absolutely awesome drawing or painting but to me i can pick out tons of flaws and then i would throw it away and start over, constantly over and over. Everything in my life seems like it goes like this, very unstable and things constantly going through my mind to the point where i will think about the same stupid little things for days and days for absolutely no reason. Sometimes when i watch movies or play games i will get dillusional to a point where i place myself in the game when i am not playing it, or place myself in the movie, especially if it is military related. On some days i get to the point where my head feels so jumbled with so many different emotions and thoughts that i become anxious and slightly depressed at the same time. On these days i just cant stand to be around anyone, and if anybody says anything to me it just makes me angry for some reason im very un responsive and want to be alone so i can try to "sort" all the different things in my head. I feel that this relates to my childhood growing up, which i really dont like talking about but here it goes in a nutshell. I was abused physically, sexually, and especially mentally. I watched my stepfather when i was little take my dog and put him in a small wooden chest where he could barely move and lock it shut, never seen my dog again. He used to hit me with belts and once hung me by my feet upside down with a chain where he stood and watched me cry smoking a joint and laughing. I am deathly afraid every time i get into a vehicle because when i was little i got into a horrible traffic accident and almost died. Every time i get into a vehicle it takes me back to that day, that is why i cant seem to get my drivers license. I dont know why i am sharing all of this, i really dont, maybe i want answer to what i think could be wrong with my head, god i dont know anymore. This shit is just affecting my life so bad, its literally tearing me apart day by day. Im not around any of the people that used to abuse me when i was younger and now im grown living on my own with my fiance, and im for the most part happy just unstable, i think im trying to trick myself into believing im starting all over, but theres still a lot of problems "upstairs". Well thats me.

 

[ThatLady]

Hi, Nate. Welcome to the forums. )

Sounds like you've got a plateful of trouble, hon. You need professional help to sort all this out and get your life started in a forward direction. You can't drive, but could your fiance possibly drive you to appointments? I don't know where in South Carolina you are, but if you're in a large city, or near one, there are facilities available to you that will charge in relation to your ability to pay. Point is, this doesn't sound like something you're going to be able to work through alone. You need help, possibly medication, to make healing possible.

 

[morinfen]

I know i need professional help, but i cant afford it right now. When i get some money coming in or some kind of insurance i plan on going to a psychologist and seeing how things turn out that way. I get embarrassed telling family about anything as far as psychological because i get treated like im a nutcase or its like "oh poor baby...". I was wondering if someone might know if theres a psychological problem that might fit into what im feeling, maybe i could find some sort of self help if i knew what was clicking in my head. I still have 2 months supply of prozac but i dont want to take it because im afraid i will start acting weird again. But ya im planning on getting this checked out soon, i start a new job this week so hopefully insurance and/or money is soon to follow.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you are an ex-US serviceman, you should be eligible for Veterans benefits, which could include the services of a psychologist. Your sessions now that you are no longer in the service would be confidential. I suggest as a starting point that you look into this possibility.

As for a diagnosis, that is difficult from a distance and it may well be that there is more than one disorder overlapping. Some of what you describe sounds like OCD; other symptoms could be PTSD.

 

[morinfen]

I went in for a psychological analysis at the VA hospital in Columbia, SC and they havent gotten back with me. As far as i know im not eligible for anything because i was in the national guard and i only did 9 months and that time period was training so it was considered void as far as benefits go. Im planning on pursuing something when i get this job and have money. When i was in the service the psychologist told me that i probably had "disthymia" or however you spell it, but it was never put on paper and thus i cant claim it. Basically, the VA dont give you anything for "borderline" or "personality disorder", they only give you something if you have a full blown psychological problem, like disthymia, which again was never put on paper so i cant claim it at all. Funny how the government works...

 

[momof5]

Hi morinfen

Welcome to the forums,

Have you tried to go through one of the county facilities? If you aren't working you just might qualify to go to one of the clinics in your area.

It sounds like you have been through so much. My heart goes out to you.

Call one of the county organizations in your area, or maybe a local church might be able to help you out. Sometimes they have counselors that work with them.

 

[meagan80]

I would suggest a book I recently bought that has helped me out a lot. It still takes practice and I slip back into it, but then I remember the tools I have in myself to use and it has helped. the book is called "living in the Now. I actually got the book on audio so I can listen anytime, I listen again from time to time to remind myself.