Looking for answers

[lostintranslation]

It's hard to know what to say here, although knowing that there are others with the same or similar experiences here should make it easier..

Jumping in at the deep end is the only way, I guess.

I'm one of those typical 'survivors' of an abusive childhood. I feel guilty even writing that, because I know that my mum gets all defensive and offended when I bring it up. She was a victim, too.

We have the double -- sexual abuse on one side of the family, alcoholism and domestic violence on the other.

It's something that's never far from my mind, and as a result had pretty much plagued my life.

I have no life.

I work. That's pretty much it.

I don't know how to relate to people, especially men, outside the workplace.

I feel that I should be over all of this by now. It's been 30 years since he last lived with us. About 16 years since he died. I hadn't seen him since I was 16.

But the last time I thought I saw him (it turned out to be a look-alike), I had a panic attack. On a train. Which was fun. Not.

I suppose I'm rambling, but I don't know where I should be going from here. I did not do well with a psychologist on the many occasions I saw one. I'm on medication (Lovan) which stops me from freaking out, but does nothing about the underlying feeling of despair.

I'm wondering if there's any hope for my life to get any better.

I've missed the boat on so many things. I'm single and childless and over 40. I would love to have had a kid. But at the same time, I don't think I could trust anyone around said kid. Basically because of my own experiences.

And I resent my younger sister for having a child. And for being unaffected by the awful childhood we had.

As for "why now?" -- I caught up with my mother last week. She has a bad back, and told me that an X-ray had shown two fractures that hadn't healed properly.

"How do you have fractures?" I asked.

Stupid question.

Just when I feel like I can forget some of it, it comes back again.

 

[rdw]

One psychologist did not work but did you try another? It is very brave of you to write what you wrote here - maybe now you're ready to work on healing yourself.

 

[Retired]

Welcome to Psychlinks, lostintranslation. Thank you for joining us, and hopefully you might find some direction and support here. It took courage to share your story, which could be your first step toward regaining control over your life.

To be sure we understand correctly, Lovan is the SSRI medication fluoxetine, aslo known as Prozac in some Countries, correct?

 

[AmZ]

Welcome to the forum

 

[Andy]

Welcome to Psychlinks lostintranslation!:2thumbs:

 

[Darkside]

Your story moved me. It was clearly from your gut. Like those above I think you are very brave and courage is key to getting better and claiming your life. It is there, you just have to reach out and claim it. It is impossible to know why some people get the worst of abuse ... even in the same family. It is equally hard to know why some people recover quickly and others do not. We are all wired different. At the same time most survivors have many things in common and we can learn from each other.

There is a lot of good information about abuse and surviving abuse on this site. I've looked at them all and this is one of the best.

 

[lostintranslation]

I've tried a couple of psychologists over the years, but it just doesn't work for me.

And yes, Lovan is Prozac by another name. I didn't realise that at first.

As for why some people manage these situations better -- I have always been accused of being overly sensitive. But I'd rather be 'overly' sensitive and consider what I say to others and to just treat people any old way and risk upsetting or offending them.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I've tried a couple of psychologists over the years, but it just doesn't work for me.

Perhaps a premature conclusion?

 

[lostintranslation]

I don't know.. When I say a couple, I mean maybe four. From the age of 16 on and off until about three years ago.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Sometimes finding the right therapist is a little like finding the right medication - trial and error. Asking for recommendations from a friend or someone else you trust may be more productive.

 

[forgetmenot]

It does take some time to find that right therapist one that you can connect with I know if i had stopped i would not have obtianed the help i needed to heal
You are worth the effort hun to continue to look to find that someone to help you . Overly sensitive people i feel are more compassionate and caring but they are also hurt so easily hun. Try again ok to find someone to help you hugs

 

[momof5]

Hi lostintranslation, welcome to the forum.

I agree that it was brave of you to start out with the information that you did with your intro.

Maybe you are ready to actually find the steps to healing.

Just remember that you are a Survivor of the abuse. This helps a lot with going through dealing with all that goes along with the road to a recovery.

Like mentioned above, there is so much information on abuse within the forum. And many who have walked in your shoes that will understand what you are going through. We are all here for you, so don't hesitate to post anything that comes to your mind about how you are feeling and what you are going through each day.

I also agree with what David said about the psychologist. Maybe you can find someone through people that you know and trust.