David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Book Review: Losing Control, Finding Serenity
Positively Present Blog
March 25, 2011
I was recently sent a copy of Daniel A. Miller's Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go. The book draws on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged ?control freaks" to guide readers through an honest inventory of their control patterns-whether prodding, cajoling, withdrawing, playing the martyr, or intimidating-down to the roots. I try not to think of myself as a control freak, but the more I read, the more I realized I really do like to control a lot of things in my life -- and it usually does more harm than good.
Though I wasn't sure what I would get out of the book initially, what I found was invaluable information on: how to reduce the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment; how to make work less stressful and more profitable; how to find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy; and how to lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication. All of these topics were things I hadn't really considered in relation to control, but reading Miller's words really helped me to understand the many ways control plays a part in my life -- and he offered some great advice on how to let go of the need for control. Miller's book addresses so many important issues, but I'm going to highlight two of the most important ones here: accepting what is and addressing our fears.
Accepting What Is
As Miller says in the book, "The more we accept people and things for who and what they are, the less our need for control. True acceptance replaces the compulsion to change or control others and redirects our focus to where it should rightly be: on ourselves." There's so much truth in that statement. It can be very hard to let go of control and realize that the reason we are controlling others is because we don't want to deal with ourselves, but the more we accept others for who we are -- and the more we accept ourselves for who we are -- the happier and more positive our lives will be.
However, as Miller notes, "Accepting what is represents a dramatic shift in thinking, believing, and acting. It requires considerable effort -- and courage." It's easy enough to say you'll relinquish control, but it's quite another to really accept what's happening to yourself and others without wanting to alter it in some way. Accepting what is -- living in the now -- is a very difficult thing to do and Miller raises the excellent point that the choice to accept what is requires an entirely new way of thinking, believing, and acting.
Miller's book provides ideas and suggestions for how to start accepting what is, living in the now, and losing control. One of the best parts of the book offers this advice: "Ask yourself: Is this something I really have the power to change or control? How important is this to me Is it something that is best left alone for now? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?" It sounds simple, but how often do we really ask ourselves these questions? When striving to live in the moment and accept what is, one of the best things you can do is ask yourself these questions. This advice is just a small slice of what Miller offers in the book to help you overcome the need for control.
Millers offers excellent tips for how to remain aware of our own emotions and feelings. His advice -- which I took immediately and started putting into practice in my own life -- really does work. Small, simple acts can impact the way you are aware of how you are feeling and Miller's work has served as a great reminder to me of how important it is to stay focused on what you are experiencing personally in order to control the need to control.
Addressing Our Fear
"Fears are mostly fiction -- highly creative fiction that runs rampant unless harnessed by the facts... Most controllers are fear driven. They are afraid of uncertainty, the unknown, and of what the future holds. Afraid, too, of being harmed if they allow events to take their natural course or allow people to do their own 'thing'...The good news is that when you lose fear, you are able to lose control and find serenity. Being able to identify your fears is the first step in letting them go," writes Miller.
When I started thinking about the concept of fears being mostly fiction, a light bulb lit up in my mind. It's true that so much of what we fear never actually comes to be.
Too many people allow these fears -- most of which are fiction -- control their lives. Their fears dominate the way they think and act and can often hinder their chance for a truly positive life. I know that I've let fear get in the way before and I know all too well that living life based on fear can be a waste of time and can have unpleasant consequences. Fear is a powerful force, however, and not all that easy to shake. Miller's book offers advice on how to combat fear, facing it head on in order to live a life no longer dominated by fear-based control.
Miller provides insights on how to conduct a "fear inquiry" to assess and understand what it is that you're afraid of. Doing this is not easy, but it's super effective and can really impact the need to control. Obviously we all understand the concept of "confronting our fears," but Miller provides step-by-step guidance on how to do so. Having been in therapy and had some expert advice on how to confront fears, I have to say that Miller's suggestions are pretty spot on. As Miller states, "you must becomes your own hero in order to fight your fears," and the advice he provides and the way his words will help you shift your perspective when it comes to your fears are invaluable when it comes to battling the need to control. You may need to be your own hero when it comes to addressing your fears, but Miller's guidance can certainly help.
Not only does Miller address the topics I've highlighted above, but the book also tackles some very important control-related topics, including:
For more on these topics and to gain even more knowledge on how to lose control and find serenity in your own life, I'd highly recommend ordering a copy of the book, which you can do by clicking here. There are a lot of great books out there on self-help and I'm sure many are focused on this very same topic, but the guidance offered by Miller is this book is something I'd recommend to anyone struggling with control issues in his or her life. Even if it's not you personally struggling with control, a lot can be learned from reading about what it's like to have issues with control -- and how you can help yourself and others cope with these issues. Control can be a major issue in our lives and it can have a negative impact on how we live. Considering the issue of control and how it can (or does) affect you is essential for living a positive life. For more inspiration and insights on control, check out Danny's Decontrol Yourself Blog.
Positively Present Blog
March 25, 2011
"Excessive control represents our attempt to change another's very nature and spirit. But because another's true spirit cannot be changed -- except by that person alone -- our efforts to do so are not only fruitless, they are also harmful."~ Daniel Miller
I was recently sent a copy of Daniel A. Miller's Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go. The book draws on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories of acknowledged ?control freaks" to guide readers through an honest inventory of their control patterns-whether prodding, cajoling, withdrawing, playing the martyr, or intimidating-down to the roots. I try not to think of myself as a control freak, but the more I read, the more I realized I really do like to control a lot of things in my life -- and it usually does more harm than good.
Though I wasn't sure what I would get out of the book initially, what I found was invaluable information on: how to reduce the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment; how to make work less stressful and more profitable; how to find (and keep) love and achieve greater intimacy; and how to lessen the struggle with your children and strengthen communication. All of these topics were things I hadn't really considered in relation to control, but reading Miller's words really helped me to understand the many ways control plays a part in my life -- and he offered some great advice on how to let go of the need for control. Miller's book addresses so many important issues, but I'm going to highlight two of the most important ones here: accepting what is and addressing our fears.
Accepting What Is
As Miller says in the book, "The more we accept people and things for who and what they are, the less our need for control. True acceptance replaces the compulsion to change or control others and redirects our focus to where it should rightly be: on ourselves." There's so much truth in that statement. It can be very hard to let go of control and realize that the reason we are controlling others is because we don't want to deal with ourselves, but the more we accept others for who we are -- and the more we accept ourselves for who we are -- the happier and more positive our lives will be.
However, as Miller notes, "Accepting what is represents a dramatic shift in thinking, believing, and acting. It requires considerable effort -- and courage." It's easy enough to say you'll relinquish control, but it's quite another to really accept what's happening to yourself and others without wanting to alter it in some way. Accepting what is -- living in the now -- is a very difficult thing to do and Miller raises the excellent point that the choice to accept what is requires an entirely new way of thinking, believing, and acting.
Miller's book provides ideas and suggestions for how to start accepting what is, living in the now, and losing control. One of the best parts of the book offers this advice: "Ask yourself: Is this something I really have the power to change or control? How important is this to me Is it something that is best left alone for now? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?" It sounds simple, but how often do we really ask ourselves these questions? When striving to live in the moment and accept what is, one of the best things you can do is ask yourself these questions. This advice is just a small slice of what Miller offers in the book to help you overcome the need for control.
Millers offers excellent tips for how to remain aware of our own emotions and feelings. His advice -- which I took immediately and started putting into practice in my own life -- really does work. Small, simple acts can impact the way you are aware of how you are feeling and Miller's work has served as a great reminder to me of how important it is to stay focused on what you are experiencing personally in order to control the need to control.
Addressing Our Fear
"Fears are mostly fiction -- highly creative fiction that runs rampant unless harnessed by the facts... Most controllers are fear driven. They are afraid of uncertainty, the unknown, and of what the future holds. Afraid, too, of being harmed if they allow events to take their natural course or allow people to do their own 'thing'...The good news is that when you lose fear, you are able to lose control and find serenity. Being able to identify your fears is the first step in letting them go," writes Miller.
When I started thinking about the concept of fears being mostly fiction, a light bulb lit up in my mind. It's true that so much of what we fear never actually comes to be.
Too many people allow these fears -- most of which are fiction -- control their lives. Their fears dominate the way they think and act and can often hinder their chance for a truly positive life. I know that I've let fear get in the way before and I know all too well that living life based on fear can be a waste of time and can have unpleasant consequences. Fear is a powerful force, however, and not all that easy to shake. Miller's book offers advice on how to combat fear, facing it head on in order to live a life no longer dominated by fear-based control.
Miller provides insights on how to conduct a "fear inquiry" to assess and understand what it is that you're afraid of. Doing this is not easy, but it's super effective and can really impact the need to control. Obviously we all understand the concept of "confronting our fears," but Miller provides step-by-step guidance on how to do so. Having been in therapy and had some expert advice on how to confront fears, I have to say that Miller's suggestions are pretty spot on. As Miller states, "you must becomes your own hero in order to fight your fears," and the advice he provides and the way his words will help you shift your perspective when it comes to your fears are invaluable when it comes to battling the need to control. You may need to be your own hero when it comes to addressing your fears, but Miller's guidance can certainly help.
Not only does Miller address the topics I've highlighted above, but the book also tackles some very important control-related topics, including:
- Anger and resentment
- Avoidance
- Parental control
- Love control
- Sports control
- Creative control
- Work control
For more on these topics and to gain even more knowledge on how to lose control and find serenity in your own life, I'd highly recommend ordering a copy of the book, which you can do by clicking here. There are a lot of great books out there on self-help and I'm sure many are focused on this very same topic, but the guidance offered by Miller is this book is something I'd recommend to anyone struggling with control issues in his or her life. Even if it's not you personally struggling with control, a lot can be learned from reading about what it's like to have issues with control -- and how you can help yourself and others cope with these issues. Control can be a major issue in our lives and it can have a negative impact on how we live. Considering the issue of control and how it can (or does) affect you is essential for living a positive life. For more inspiration and insights on control, check out Danny's Decontrol Yourself Blog.
