Lost a friend, never been the same...

[Chain Lightning]

Over a year ago I had an experience that has made me distant from my emotions...like I feel as if I can't feel emotions that are there.

A very special dog of mine (Ten) was murdered by some sick excuse of person I know, need I say more. I can't tell you how I felt, I can't fully acccess the memory of it, which is probably a good defense mechanism. I don't think I have ever felt that bad before.

I have had some breakthroughs where emotions are so strong I can feel them again, but they are only moments and only I have these flashing moments every now and then.

I've cried about it but its like I am so closed up I can't really cry like I need to. I just can't feel the same way about anybody or anything...its all distant, so close but I can't touch it. Frustrating. Every time I sort of cry I feel a little better, but not completely...I start crying and then just shut down and it goes away untouchable. Then there are times I will be laughing at something and then all of the sudden I stop and feel NOTHING. This happens with all other emotions as well.

I was also abused as a child...and really my entire childhood was complete misery...tho I didn't have this problem until Ten was killed.

So has this forever changed my life in a way that I will never feel emotions like I used to? Or do you think that its possible to feel them again?

BTW, here are some pictures of her, one is when I first met her.
Webshots - Desktop Wallpaper / Screen Savers

Chain Lightning

 

[Chain Lightning]

I forgot to add...

Also in addition to not feeling emotions I cannot get intersted/modivated to do things that I want to do. I used to draw alot, play my guitar and walk with my other dog Sport in the woods. Now its like I can't get into anything...I'll be bored out of my mind and restless but everything I think of to do is blah. I can't read books anymore...I used to read ALOT but now when I try and read I'll suddenly find myself spaced out after reading a paragraph or worse yet I can't even start to read...sometimes I read the lines and none of it goes to my head.

I may have ADD...I've allways had no attention span, constantly spaced out in some daydream or deep in thought. But that has been WAY worse lately.

I also find myself being depressed for reasons trivial but nothing gets me out of it...its so stupid. I can't just think about something else and if I do something it doesn't always help.

I also think more and more about my childhood and Ten and have flashbacks sometimes...and it makes me sad.

Chain Lightning

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm sorry about your loss. I love animals and grieve over them when they die. I grew up with a relative who used to threaten to kill my pets and he would do it and it seems the cycle just continues on and on now that I think about it. I won't allow that now. I would take the hurt first.

I think that you can get to the point where you feel the emotions you used to again. Sometimes we all need some help getting there though and that's ok. Talking about loss and pain can help you deal with it.

 

[ThatLady]

Grief is a very individual thing. Some people grieve a loss longer than others, and people grieve in different ways. Yet, we all grieve the loss of someone, or something, dear to us.

With your background of abuse, Ten would have meant a great deal to you, I'm sure. Pets give us their love unconditionally. We don't have to measure up to some pre-set standard to earn it, they don't judge us harshly for the mistakes we make, and they're always there when we need a shoulder to cry on...again, without judging us as weak for it. They give us a huge gift, especially to those who might feel less than adequate because of the unfair ways they are treated by those humans who should be loving them.

Several years ago, I lost the love of my life...my old Siamese cat, Charlie Pooter. He was 18 years old when he passed, and I was devastated. He'd been through some very difficult times with me, and he was always there when I needed him...just accepting me without question. While I was grieving, I found a site on the internet that helped me. It took awhile, but it did help.

On this site, you can list your beloved pet and take part in the candle ceremony, where people from all over the world remember their dear pets who have passed on. You can also write a tribute to your pet, which will be kept on the site so you can re-read it, when you need to do so. I still go back to read Charlie's from time to time. I always cry when I read it, but that's a good thing, ya know?

Anyhow, here's a link to the site. Be sure and read the whole page, as there are links to various parts of the site all the way down the page. I hope it helps you, as much as it's helped me over the years. Somehow, I know that Charlie is waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge, and that brings me some peace.

Petloss, Chat Room, Rainbow Bridge, rainbowbridge, Candle Ceremony

 

[HA]

Chain,

I'm sorry to hear of your great loss and painful childhood. Pets become family members and so it goes that the loss is like losing a family member.

Here is a link about losing pets from the site:
http://www.psychlinks.ca/pages/petloss.htm

Take care

 

[HA]

I grew up with a relative who used to threaten to kill my pets and he would do it

Janet,

How terrible. How many pets did you lose like this?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Several kittens when I was probably around 6 or 7 and then a puppy dog when I was about 12. It was painful and still is painful to think about. The puppy was "naughty", just being a puppy, and so she was shot and I remember covering my ears so I wouldn't have to hear it but I still could hear it.

I think loving animals is a huge weakness I have. I can't help it though.

 

[ThatLady]

Animals are helpless against human cruelty. There is no excuse for killing a puppy for being a puppy. To do so says far more negative things about the perpetrator than about the innocent victim. To do so in front of, or with the knowledge of, a child is truly disgusting. My heart goes out to any child who is subjected to this kind of senseless, inhumane behavior.

Hugs, janetr...and to the brave, frightened, and suffering child you were.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Animals are helpless against human cruelty. There is no excuse for killing a puppy for being a puppy. To do so says far more negative things about the perpetrator than about the innocent victim. To do so in front of, or with the knowledge of, a child is truly disgusting. My heart goes out to any child who is subjected to this kind of senseless, inhumane behavior.

Hugs, janetr...and to the brave, frightened, and suffering child you were.

You know, you're too kind to me. It's nice though. The words make me feel warm inside. I need that too much I think.

I feel like it was all my fault. That if I wasn't bad, then those things wouldn't have happened. I was the one who deserved what happened to them. What was so hard was it seemed like I was powerless and there was nothing I could do to save them. I hate that feeling.

 

[ThatLady]

We all hate feeling powerless, janet. When something is going on that we feel is wrong, we want to be able to stop it. Unfortunately, it's not always possible to do so. It's in those times that we feel helpless and, somehow, at fault.

There's no way what happened to those little creatures was your fault. There's no way anybody deserves that kind of treatment. The wrong lies with those who commit acts like that, not with those who are the victims, whether those victims be the injured, or witnesses to the injury. Place the blame where it belongs, janet. You know where it belongs. Place it there, and leave it there.

 

[HA]

Janet,

I can't add anymore to what ThatLady said except that what happened with those animals when you were such a young child was very cruel and inhumane. The person who did this was very wrong to do this to you. It was very cruel and they are to blame for their cruelty....not you. No child ever deserves such terrible treatment. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Healing hugs

 

[Cat Dancer]

It's weird to post these things, and I've posted a LOT of things (sorry)), things that I've always thought were normal things, that I thought EVERYONE went through and have people say that it isn't normal or right. I can't really explain in words what I'm thinking. I'm horrible at that anyway. It's just that I've felt hurt about these things, but thought I had no right to that pain because I thought they were normal things. If that makes any sense at all.

 

[ThatLady]

What you describe happens all too often, janet. People who are subjected to cruelties like this as children grow up to believe that everybody has been through what they have. There's something inside them that says "That just ain't right!", but they think it's them that's wrong, so they don't talk about it to anybody else. That results in them never learning that what they think is normal life in all families just isn't.

It's kinda like being color-blind. If, somehow, something could be done to reverse color-blindness in a person who'd been color-blind from birth, they might be very surprised to find out that their beautiful blue car was really....well, green. ;o)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Part of the problem is because this started so young. All young children are by nature egocentric (This isn't a bad thing -- it's normal for young children. They gradually develop empathy and perspective-taking skills as they mature). Therefore, when good things are happening to a ytoung child, the child will assume it's because s/he is a good person; when bad things are happening to a young child, s/he assumes it's because s/he is a bad person. Child abusers understand and exploit this.

If it happens often enough to a child growing up, it is a very hard thing to shake. Especially if you are also surrounded by abusive people as an adult.

 

[HA]

Janet, You explained that very well and no need to apologize for writing about your experiences. It's really good how you were able to write down your feelings. Writing out your feelings is a healing thing to do.

More healing hugs

 

[Chain Lightning]

Thankyou all for the replies and links.

With your background of abuse, Ten would have meant a great deal to you, I'm sure.

Yes very much...my dogs at that point in time where ALL I had to care about. My best friend was far away at the time...I had no other friends or anybody to care about me. This happened during a peroid of time where I was already in the pits of depression...thinking I had nothing to live for already and wanted to die...I didn't die because of my dogs only...then Ten was murdered.

FYI, Currently I am not THAT depressed...I don't think about wanting to die...and I do have a boyfriend/best friend right now and a few friends.

Part of the problem is because this started so young. All young children are by nature egocentric...Therefore...when bad things are happening to a young child, s/he assumes it's because s/he is a bad person. Child abusers understand and exploit this.

I hear that...I was often told how much of a bad person I was on top of the other things done to me.

Chain Lightning