Hi,
I am new to posting here. I have been desperately seeking some sort of advice re my marriage as my husband has an inability to deal with anger and frustration. He is a psychotherapist and tells me all about dynamics in relationships etc but seems to use that knowledge as an excuse to blame me for his inability to control himself and my responses are now coming from a very fearful place.
We have only been married one year. It was good before that for 3 years(although I was the peacemaker and placator)he was difficult, but kind.
Now I no longer feel I want to be spoken to in a disrespectful way-I guess i've reached my limit as the gentleness I showed to him seems to now make no difference to his moods.
Then it changed one day when he threw some towels at me for not having done something minor.
Since then has hit me on the back of the hand with the phone for being on it too long; has sent me flying across the room twice; knocked out a filling with a slap and gave me ear damage and regularly makes his hand into a fist, draws back his arm and sucks in his breath audibly; he also shouts in my face and tells me if I 'reacted differently' to the way he says things etc he'd not feel the need to do this. He is sometimes cross for minor things like the baby's bath not being run on time; or for bigger reasons for example, like him having his say but denying me mine or my being late.
The arguments that we have are usually around the subject of my feeling rejected by him and lack of attention, as he withholds affection as 'punishment'
Last weekend was our wedding anniversary, we were staying at his parents house so I felt'safe' to talk to him about the lack of affection in our marriage. I was upset as he had yet again no interest in me.I did not shout; but tried to find out why he had so much energy for working on his parents garden and none suddenly for me. He shouted very loudly at me to 'P*** off'. I jumped out of bed and stood at the foot of it and told him not to speak to me ike that. He pushed himself down the bed and kicked my chest, hard. I ran on to the landing crying, shouting'I can't believe you've just done that'
To cut a long story short his whole family rounded against me saying they could not believe my account of what happened as that would be heresay-adding'he's told us it was an accident, and we believe him' (heresay, surely?)I was so distraught that they feel I am a liar. He went back to his mother's for a week, told me he would move out; but now won't.He was going to counselling for the last time he was violent and denied this also to his parents.
I am left feeling as though I am going mad.
I am blamed for 'causing' him to hit out. I am disbelieved. He is minimising calling them 'incidents' and apologising to me in private but not telling the truth to his parents or brother or my older children.
He just keeps repeating 'I am not a wife beater'
I am told by his family and him that I 'ruined the weekend' but surely he did? I am also being told that I exaggerated and 'made too much of it'
Well it hurt and scared me and I thought after the counselling he'd have a handle on his feelings. My older children who are away at college/university want an apology from him, but he refuses saying he has done nothing to them.
Through all this I just want him to find out how to handle his controlling behaviour, but if I try to make any insights i'm told i'm an amateur psychologist. If we go to counselling which i've asked for as I want to be heard; will that be difficult as I am not a therapist?
I'm sure I can keep him happy by keeping quiet about all that upsets me. but how is that a relationship? He wants us to find a 'time out' strategy, but he abuses it by having his say and then denying me mine. I am angry and upset and lost. I have never even fallen out with a friend, and I am at war in my marriage.
I am new to posting here. I have been desperately seeking some sort of advice re my marriage as my husband has an inability to deal with anger and frustration. He is a psychotherapist and tells me all about dynamics in relationships etc but seems to use that knowledge as an excuse to blame me for his inability to control himself and my responses are now coming from a very fearful place.
We have only been married one year. It was good before that for 3 years(although I was the peacemaker and placator)he was difficult, but kind.
Now I no longer feel I want to be spoken to in a disrespectful way-I guess i've reached my limit as the gentleness I showed to him seems to now make no difference to his moods.
Then it changed one day when he threw some towels at me for not having done something minor.
Since then has hit me on the back of the hand with the phone for being on it too long; has sent me flying across the room twice; knocked out a filling with a slap and gave me ear damage and regularly makes his hand into a fist, draws back his arm and sucks in his breath audibly; he also shouts in my face and tells me if I 'reacted differently' to the way he says things etc he'd not feel the need to do this. He is sometimes cross for minor things like the baby's bath not being run on time; or for bigger reasons for example, like him having his say but denying me mine or my being late.
The arguments that we have are usually around the subject of my feeling rejected by him and lack of attention, as he withholds affection as 'punishment'
Last weekend was our wedding anniversary, we were staying at his parents house so I felt'safe' to talk to him about the lack of affection in our marriage. I was upset as he had yet again no interest in me.I did not shout; but tried to find out why he had so much energy for working on his parents garden and none suddenly for me. He shouted very loudly at me to 'P*** off'. I jumped out of bed and stood at the foot of it and told him not to speak to me ike that. He pushed himself down the bed and kicked my chest, hard. I ran on to the landing crying, shouting'I can't believe you've just done that'
To cut a long story short his whole family rounded against me saying they could not believe my account of what happened as that would be heresay-adding'he's told us it was an accident, and we believe him' (heresay, surely?)I was so distraught that they feel I am a liar. He went back to his mother's for a week, told me he would move out; but now won't.He was going to counselling for the last time he was violent and denied this also to his parents.
I am left feeling as though I am going mad.
I am blamed for 'causing' him to hit out. I am disbelieved. He is minimising calling them 'incidents' and apologising to me in private but not telling the truth to his parents or brother or my older children.
He just keeps repeating 'I am not a wife beater'
I am told by his family and him that I 'ruined the weekend' but surely he did? I am also being told that I exaggerated and 'made too much of it'
Well it hurt and scared me and I thought after the counselling he'd have a handle on his feelings. My older children who are away at college/university want an apology from him, but he refuses saying he has done nothing to them.
Through all this I just want him to find out how to handle his controlling behaviour, but if I try to make any insights i'm told i'm an amateur psychologist. If we go to counselling which i've asked for as I want to be heard; will that be difficult as I am not a therapist?
I'm sure I can keep him happy by keeping quiet about all that upsets me. but how is that a relationship? He wants us to find a 'time out' strategy, but he abuses it by having his say and then denying me mine. I am angry and upset and lost. I have never even fallen out with a friend, and I am at war in my marriage.
