Made to feel guilty for not drinking

[Murray]

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but sometimes people make me feel guilty for not drinking. There is a history of quite a lot of alcohol and drug abuse in my family so I decided when I was about 20 that I wouldn't tempt fate by drinking. I never had a problem with alcohol, but since I had some of the same tendencies as other family members who were addicts (very hard to get drunk, never got a hangover, etc) I decided that I didn't want to risk it.

Anyway, there are times when people make a huge deal about my not wanting to drink alcohol. Sometimes they will act offended when I don't want any wine with dinner, like I am doing something wrong. I would think that they would be happy to have more for themselves. I was at a party one time and we were playing trivial pursuit and every time you got an answer wrong you had to take a drink and several people threw a huge fit because I wasn't drinking. I took myself out of the game, but they continued to make me feel bad because I wasn't being "fun".

I am not a recovering alcoholic or anything so they act like I am just being difficult for no reason. Given the grief that others give me when I have no desire to drink, I feel so sorry for people who are trying to remain sober and are struggling with it. One of my uncles even had to move several hours away and avoid family get-togethers for several years because it was just too hard for him. I end up feeling like I have to defend my choice not to drink and sometimes end up sharing some of my family history in order to have some sort of excuse. I just wish that people didn't have this attitude that if you don't drink you are a "party-pooper". Please don't get me wrong, I am not judging other people for drinking and I don't want to offend anyone, I just choose not to drink myself.

Anyway, sorry for this long, rambling, pointless post. I just wanted to vent for a while. Sorry.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: made to feel guilty for not drinking

Oh i can understand this one. My family big problem with drinking with majoraty of them becoming alcoholics. I too said no i am not going down that path and have not drank for years. I am not an alcoholic either just see no joy in it. I have told relatives not to bring alcohol in my house or to dinners and if they were not happy with that then please don't come and i would understand. I tell them i do not judge them for drinking then don't judge me for my choices either. It is very hard on the young as they are expected to go out and party and drink I do feel for them but it is up to their friends to understand not all can do this. Just thought i let you know i can relate totally.

 

[Andy]

That is very true. People who are drinking to get drunk want everyone around them to drink as well. I have never really been around anyone who just has one drink, that is, that concerned with whether I drink or not.

I come from a family of full blown alcoholics, both of my parents are now recovered alcoholics and it goes back further. So I can understand not wanting to drink, I admire that you don't. I started at 12 and was drinking(and then some) heavy until my first hospital admission at 19 or 20. When I got out all my party friends tried to pressure me to basically get back to the way I was. I would either give in (usually just a one nighter and then not for a month or two) or end up telling them off.

Alcohol usually just eventually leads to bad things when used in excess.

I know it's hard to say no when you know you will just hear an ear full, but I say you should proudly say no, if they ask why, say you don't drink, if they ask why tell them you don't like to make an ASS of yourself...lol ok maybe not that, maybe something like, you hate the tastes and the way it makes you feel. If they keep at it, ask them if they are the local Pusher, or if this was a drinking only party.

Most people usually clue in that it's annoying you. I don't know what else to suggest, these things have worked for me but i put a sarcastic/humour spin on it. Usually if I have to ask them if they are a pusher, then they kind of feel stupid for trying to force it on me.

Again, don't let it get to you (easier said than done) just stand your ground and be proud of yourself. I know I would be. So many horrible things have happened to me and because of me with my partying. I have even been going to A.A since I was little because I was selectively mute, therefore quiet, so my mom at the time(she had a slip though) would take me and I could sit in the corner of the room listening. I knew/know the serenity prayer by heart since I was little. Then my dad took me with him to his meetings and conferences.

Shoot. I'm sorry I babbled on, on your thread. I just can relate. :hug:

 

[Jazzey]

I have a friend who's resorted to telling people that she's deathly allergic to alcohol...seems to work for her.

Otherwise, I would just stick to saying no and try to ignore the comments that follow.

 

[Murray]

Thanks guys.
It really isn't a big deal and I usually don't let it get to me, it is just aggravating sometimes. I am so incredibly uncomfortable in any social situation anyway that to have attention drawn to me for any reason is almost unbearable. So, when I quietly choose not to drink I wish that others would just accept it and not make a fuss about it. Anyway, thanks for the support.

 

[Mari]

H! Murray, this is probably a good topic to talk about at this time since tomorrow is New Years Eve and alcohol will be part of many celebrations. Now, I just say 'no thank-you' but it is amazing how, on some occasions I will have to repeat that many, many times. Possibly when some people are drinking they are not even aware how annoying they can be. It is also helpful to have some type of drink in your hand such as water or juice. Even when I was obviously pregnant people would try to get me to drink alcohol so now I do not explain or make excuses I just keep repeating 'no thank-you'. :dimples: Mari

 

[Retired]

Hello Murray,

You are to be commended for making a voluntary choice to avoid alcohol, and as with any personal lifestyle choice, it ought to be respected by those around you.

If your circle of acquaintances has a difficult time to accept your choice, then you need to be assertive and polite in declining offers of alcohol.

I avoid alcohol because it triggers migraines, so for the last twenty years or so, when we visit I simply say,"I'll have whatever you have that's non alcoholic" when offered a drink.

In most cases people rarely challenge my request, because there could be a number of reasons for one's choice. It can range from just not feeling like a drink right now, to medical or medication reasons, to being a recovering alcoholic.

Most people consider it impolite to challenge one's request for a non alcoholic choice, but if you feel you need a follow up response, decide in advance what you will say, so you will be prepared.

Whenever I have said, "alcohol triggers migraines", no one has ever pushed any further.

Like any situation, being prepared with a response makes your response more believable, so rehearse what you want to say privately, and be ready to stand your ground.

No one should make you do what you don't want to do. If they do, that's abuse! Friends don't abuse friends and if they do, get new friends

 

[unionmary]

it all comes down to a matter of personal choice, doesn't it? The people around you should respect yours, as you respect theirs. Not hard to do

 

[Murray]

Thanks for the response unionmary,

You would think that respecting someone's personal choices would be easy, but it seems that it can be difficult for some people to do this. There are some people who seem to feel the need to impose their will onto others. Sadly, I have a few of those people in my life. Like I said, since I don't have a desire to drink it doesn't bother me too much. It does make me more anxious in social situations, which are torturous for me anyway. I just feel so terrible for people who are struggling with addiction who are in similar situations. For example my mother (who has now been sober for 18 years :2thumbs had to deal with people trying to get her to drink quite often. Seeing the damage that drinking did to her life, I couldn't believe that anyone would try to convince her to drink, but they did. She was often told "one drink isn't going to hurt you". It must have been very difficult for her and anyone else who has managed to give up their addictions. I have such respect for anyone who has the strength to do this,and I just wish that their struggle wasn't made more difficult by people who don't respect their choices.

Sorry for the rambling response, I didn't get much sleep last night and am probably not making any sense.

P.S. So far, I haven't managed to kick my darn chocolate habit. :lol::lol:

 

[Jackie]

I drink socially and in times of stress but would never force anyone else to drink if they don't want too. My mate who doesn't drinks tell people he is on meds and can't drink, people usually accept that and say no more.

 

[HotthenCold]

I hear ya. I tried to quit drinking a while back and it was always something people felt the need to comment on, instead of just accepting my decision.

I saw a great stand up comedian talking about how when people give him crap for not drinking he asks what food that don't like then won't stop harassing them about not liking it until they quit harassing him about not drinking.
It was something like this:

"You don't like mayonnaise?, WHY!!?!?!, HUH?! what's wrong with mayonnaise, it's creamy and delicious and goes great on sandwiches, what the hell is wrong with you?, how can I enjoy my mayonnaise if you don't have any? You just ruined mayonnaise for me, thanks buddy!"