Mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this, Mama said...

[Fiver]

Oy.

First of all, I made it through the night once again at work and believe me, there were moments of heavy doubt and absolute panic. There was a moment when I actually considered just quitting, saying "I'm done, I can't handle this" and walking out. But I didn't. For the huge part of me that just wants to quit it all, quit everything, the part of my that wants to quit life in my more capricious moments, I think there is a larger part of me that is a survivor. But damn, that part was pretty hidden last night. The panic sat in my chest from an hour before I left home until maybe an hour before I got done at work. My startle reflex is so hyperactive that I'm exhausted by the surges of adrenaline that hit me all night long. At one point, my mind left my grasp and I felt the terror again, and a case of Texas Pete left my grasp as well. Twelve 18oz bottles of hot sauce crashed to the floor and apparently I just stood there with spicy orange muck all over my shoes and pant legs until one of the guys walked down my aisle after hearing the glass break. It's good that the store was closed by then, because I doubt very much that this type of behaviour is good for customer service.

But I made it and I'm alive. And my shoelaces are crunchy with dried hot sauce, which may or may not be advantageous for some reason that could present itself in the future. Maybe it will keep vicious dogs away or something. But I made it without quitting work or quitting life.

Tomorrow, it's lather, rinse, repeat.

 

[angelikah]

Good Job on not giving up Fiver! :2thumbs:

 

[Into The Light]

i'm sorry fiver :hug::hug:

 

[NicNak]

Sorry you had a real rough day Fiver. When do you see your therapist again? Please make sure you tell her of the difficulties you are having.

 

[forgetmenot]

We all drop things Fiver make mistakes but you kept it together your a fighter. Sorry you had to struggle so much but again your strength your ability to survive always amazes me. Hope you see therapist soon if not give her a call okay. take care

 

[Fiver]

Tonight I'm feeling pretty okay, save for a really, really sore back and aching knees, which are part and parcel of my job. I don't have the anxiety roiling inside right now, one hour before I need to leave the house. I mean, I can't exactly say I'm looking forward to going in (I'm telling you, my body is way too old for this kind of work) but I'm not dreading it, either. It's also raining, which means there will be fewer customers to deal with before the store closes, whereas last night it was packed due to being the night before a holiday. I'm triggered by customers; they may not necessarily set me into a flashback (although they've done it in the past) but when someone walks behind me when I'm working, I feel a painful surge of adrenaline shoot through my limbs and I have to swallow the panic before it goes out of control.

Tonight should be a more relaxed night in a lot of ways. Fewer customers, smaller truck, and the knowledge that at 6AM I'm a free woman for 39 straight hours. Woohoo!

 

[forgetmenot]

Great news Fiver freedom not that far off now take care hope your night goes well.

 

[Fiver]

Woohoo! The next consecutive 39 hours belong to me! Me, I say! All mine!

Thanks, Violet, my night was acceptable. In fact, considering at one point I was ready to quit and walk out because I couldn't stand the feeling of impending doom and the triggers that I couldn't even define, I'd have to call it a success. I did not quit. I grabbed myself by the nostrils and caught a whiff of reality, bringing my mind back to the present. And tonight I only smashed a case of Kroger strawberry preserves. I never used to drop stuff like this before...my mind really is not on the job and I'm not as careful as I was before I went on medical leave (and this is why I wear steel-toe boots, boys and girls.) Luckily our damages aren't counted against us because it's all part of the job. But man, strawberry preserves are sticky. It made for a rather uncomfortable night.

I feel almost giddy right now, like I pulled off something big, when all I did was survive a night at work that was probably the least difficult of all my nights back so far. I was still behind in productivity and it was still very hard to stick it out. But I did, and I need to stop being self-congratulatory for things which are absolutely expected of me. If I want to participate in real life again, I have to expect more from myself than I've put out over the last year. You don't get trophies for just showing up, which is slightly less than what I'm doing at work at work at this moment. I need to raise my self-expectations if I want to be the person I was before I was raped.

 

[Into The Light]

I need to stop being self-congratulatory for things which are absolutely expected of me.

i disagree fiver. considering where you are right now, this is a huge, huge accomplishment. count those. it helps with any depression you may be experiencing. hang on to the things that make you proud of yourself. :hug:

 

[Fiver]

You may be right, ITL, but somehow it feels wrong to feel pride for doing the things I never should have failed at to begin with. I see your point, and if we were discussing anyone other than me I'd probably be offering the same thoughts. But this isn't anyone else, it's me -- and I feel like I never should have let myself get so far out of control at any point.

That's some screwed up thinking right there, no? Nevertheless, this is how my mind is working at the moment. I wish I could figure out why I'm harder on myself than I am on the rest of the world.

 

[forgetmenot]

Fiver i think we are all harder on ourselves than the rest of the world. We can show understanding and compassion to others but to ourselves no way. I can't figure that one out either. You did not let yourself get out of control. You did not do anything to yourself what you did do and are doing is surviving. You are accomplishing so much there is no way you should be upset with you. Remember small steps Fiver well in my eyes you are accomplishing giant ones. Fiver time now enjoy your time off. :2thumbs:

 

[Fiver]

Of course, you're right, Violet, and I know this in my head. But the more I think about it, the more I'm inclined to believe this is partly due to the way I was raised (no room for anything less than perfection, leading to a miserable upbringing) and the residual guilt I still feel for whatever I did or didn't do that contributed to being raped. And that's not logical, either. My sense of guilt these days is heightened far beyond anything for which I've had a legitimate reason to feel guilt ever in my life, and somehow this all ties in together.

Unfortunately, my brain is baked from exhaustion and I'm not sure this is a good time for me to attempt to sort it all out. I'm more inclined to watch cartoons for an hour and then go to bed, which may actually be a fortunate thing after all. Things make more sense after a few hours of sleep. For now I'm going to let it all sit in the back of the pickup while I coast in neutral for a while.

I like that plan.

 

[forgetmenot]

Yup sounds like a great plan watching cartoons ooooo i want to do that but not right now have to wake up and get business done. Enjoy the cartoons and have a well earn sleep. pleasant dreams.

 

[Into The Light]

I wish I could figure out why I'm harder on myself than I am on the rest of the world.

i think many people suffer from this. i do the same thing.

maybe it has something to do with thinking that if we criticize ourselves enough we'll do better? unfortunately criticism doesn't help, it makes us feel worse by demoralizing us.

i hope with time you'll be able to let go of this and have more compassion for yourself.

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Keep up the good work!! Sounds like your pushing yourself hard to continue!! Just don't be too hard on yourself! We're all human at the end of the day.
:lol:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

We're all human at the end of the day.

Well, except for those aliens... you know, the ones in The X Files or the Sigourney Weaver Aliens movies...

 

[Fiver]

Yeah, usually they're humans during the day and turn into aliens at night. Unless you have the special sunglasses, like in "They Live."