Married and Unfaithful: What do I do?

[Stuck]

Thank you for post. I agree with you, but it is much easier said than done. I am currently in a situation where I have had an affair for 6 months now and am torn between the two women. I know you probably think I'm a horrible person, and I feel that way, but I can't bring myself to tell my spouse and am scared to move either way.

I understand my actions were wrong, but I struggle with the question of whether one person can be better suited for you than another. There are a lot of qualities about the new person that I can't get in my current relationship and therefore I feel more in tune with the new person than with my spouse.

On the other hand, I do not hate my spouse and she is a very good person - fun, loving, etc... and our relationship would probably be fine right now if I hadn't met the new woman. But now that I have met this new person, I see so many things that I've missed out on and enjoy and it is extremely hard for me to look back. And to make things more complicated, I have two young children, whose world I will turn upside down if I go through with a divorce.

I'am truly torn and am ruining both my spouses life as well as the other persons. Can you offer me any advice, outside of admitting to the affair, to help me make my decision?

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

Hi Stuck,

I hope you don't mind my responding to you. I struggled with your post, in terms of giving you advice without making you feel like a horrible person. I don't think that you are a horrible person. But what you've done...well, it's a bit of a mess Stuck. A mess that, as you've acknowledged yourself, you've sought out whether it be inadvertently or with purpose.

I'll qualify the advice I'm about to tell you on the premise that 1) I'm not a therapist and 2) I have been cheated on by my significant other (in the past).

So here goes - I personally don't think that it's realistic for you to stay in your marriage and move forward in that marriage without ever disclosing this infidelity. Those transgressions always come back at some point. And the injury is far worse when it's found out at a much later date.

Also, if you're staying with your wife solely for the sake of your children and their world as they currently know it - do them all a favor and get a divorce. In that case, you're living a fictional life with all of them. Which in my mind's mind is far more damaging than admitting the truth of this situation. And I do find it interesting that you acknowledge yourself that your marriage would be fine right now if you hadn't met this other woman. Sometimes Stuck, the grass is always greener elsewhere, until we get there. And then we remember why we liked the old place better...

If you decide that you love your wife, that she is the one that you choose (and you do have to choose stuck - I know you know this), then do it honestly so that you can fix the damage, fix the marriage. No marriage can be successful with this kind of lie in the background. Your wife will eventually figure it out. I only hope that she'll hear it from you and not someone else.

I also want to acknowledge that I know many couples who've gone through what you're currently going through. And sometimes, when we wait to long to fix the marriage, there's nothing left to fix...

So I'm sorry. I personally can't promote you're not admitting the affair. It's just too damaging to the people in your life. Including to the woman outside of your marriage. In doing it that way, you're committing to neither of these women.

I know that it will be difficult stuck, but no one in this situation deserves less - including you.

:support:

 

[Stuck]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

Thank you Jazzy. I appreciate your advice, its exactly the kind I've been looking for and have not been able to get. Although you may not be a therapist, you are very intuitive - its uncanny.

If I tell my wife, I will most definitely lose her, there is no question about that. She has a very strong opinion about cheating and family, as most people do. Also, if I do tell her, I fear she will tell my children in a way that will make them resent me. So my options in my mind are as follows:

1. I can either tell and lose the marriage and move on with the other woman
2. Not tell and move on with the marriage and live with the guilt and always wonder what it would have been like with the other woman
3. End the marriage and move on with the other woman and try to keep the affair a secret.

I've struggled with this question for months now as I don't want to keep doing this, its hurting everyone, including myself and the guilt is bothering me, my wife truly does deserve better, this is extremely unfair and hurtful to her.
And you probably see through this in the that - yes I am somewhat of a coward and don't want to hurt anyones feelings by saying anything.

Although you obviously didn't go through the same situation, can you give me some perspective on what you went through when you found out your significant other cheated on you.

Thanks again for your feedback and for listening to me. I really do appreciate it.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

Is your family worth giving up over this other women I would hope you think long and hard on this one. It always looks greener on the other side but you have young children who love you think about what you are doing and only you can answer what is best for everyone take care mary

 

[Stuck]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your input, but are you suggesting I end the affair and keep it a secret and continue with my marriage or tell my wife and try to save the marriage?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

Hey my suggestion to you was to take a good hard look at yourself and see where you are in this mess. Only you can decide what to do I am just pointing out that you made a committment to your wife and your family. I am not a professional but i think if you got professional councilling for yourself maybe then you could see what decision you need to make. No one else can do that for you. Take care but my heart goes out to your children who in the end are the ones that suffer.

 

[Stuck]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

No offense Mary, but that is why I'm on this forum. I know the consequences of my decision will affect my children, but I can't change what I've done. And I have been through councilling, but I'd like the perspective of others who may have been through a similar situation first hand.

 

[Jazzey]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

Thank you Jazzy. I appreciate your advice, its exactly the kind I've been looking for and have not been able to get. Although you may not be a therapist, you are very intuitive - its uncanny.

If I tell my wife, I will most definitely lose her, there is no question about that. She has a very strong opinion about cheating and family, as most people do. Also, if I do tell her, I fear she will tell my children in a way that will make them resent me. So my options in my mind are as follows:

1. I can either tell and lose the marriage and move on with the other woman
2. Not tell and move on with the marriage and live with the guilt and always wonder what it would have been like with the other woman
3. End the marriage and move on with the other woman and try to keep the affair a secret.

I've struggled with this question for months now as I don't want to keep doing this, its hurting everyone, including myself and the guilt is bothering me, my wife truly does deserve better, this is extremely unfair and hurtful to her.
And you probably see through this in the that - yes I am somewhat of a coward and don't want to hurt anyones feelings by saying anything.

Although you obviously didn't go through the same situation, can you give me some perspective on what you went through when you found out your significant other cheated on you.

Thanks again for your feedback and for listening to me. I really do appreciate it.

Hi Stuck,

I know this is a tough situation. I don't mind sharing a little of what happened with me...

I was living with someone for almost 5 years. We were in what I considered a very happy relationship. He proposed and we were a few short months of getting married. I moved clear across my country to enable a new career venture for him and we were going to get married there. During the course of our living out there, in a very big city that wasn't mine, he started disappearing more frequently and for longer periods of times. so I sat him down, and confronted him. Told him that I suspected that he'd met someone. That if he was in love, I would understand and respect his decision. He denied every ounce of it, the girl well, everything. I spent Christmas day by myself because he told me that he had to go into the office. And grant you, I chose to believe him because that was far easier than facing the possible reality that he loved someone else...

A few days later, he asked that I do a laundry for him. Without getting into specifics, I found some pretty blatant evidence about his infidelity which explained his absence on Christmas day - he'd done for her what he wasn't willing to do for me anymore. When he came home from work, I confronted him once more. I cancelled the wedding and told him that I didn't want to hear about "wedding talk" for at least 2 years, until I could feel certain once again that I was the one he was choosing. Told him that I was willing to seek counseling with him to try and resolve whatever issues existed between us. He again denied the affair.

She then started calling our home. I spoke to her and she confirmed my suspicions. I confronted him one last time and asked him if there was anything salvageable in our relationship. He asked that I stick around in this city, that wasn't mine so that he may date the both of us and make a decision. Long story short, I told him that I deserved better. I bought a ticket home that day. He asked me not to leave him, told me that he "thought" that he still loved me. I told him that I'd leave that door open for 6 months for him...But no longer. And that for my own well-being, I had to come home. That if he really loved me, if we could save this, I would move back for him. But not if this person was still in his life.

He did try to contact me about 6 months after I left him. I couldn't go back Stuck. He hurt me to the core and I just couldn't trust his love for me anymore because that relationship with the other woman had lasted too long and he had hesitated in every respect where I was concerned: lied to me, told me he wasn't sure how he felt about me - the whole kit.

I grieved that loss for the better part of 2 and a half years.

Here's the hard truth Stuck: What you did to your wife is the greatest betrayal in a relationship. But that doesn't mean that it isn't salvageable. Where I get concerned is this notion that you have that you love 2 women. Where does your wife fit into this picture? Is she still in the picture?

As for what she may or may not tell the children, try not to speculate. If you do decide that your wife is who you want, you will have a lot of work ahead of you. And none of it will be easy. But I do suggest that you don't wait too long should this be your decision...Her heartbreak will be devastating to her. And she's entitled to it. Now, you need to get to a place where you recognize and acknowledge that hurt. If you can't do it, if you can't acknowledge what it is that you've done to her, then you should pick the other woman and your wife will in fact be better off.

I'm sorry Stuck, whichever way I look at your situation, your wife deserves to know about the affair. Even if you do decide to leave her.

And in case you have any doubts about this - I'll tell you right now that she probably already has her own suspicions about what's being going on. She's probably on to you but not ready to face the truth for herself because of the pain that it elicits in her. But it doesn't mean that she doesn't know.

The worst thing you can do right now, whatever your decision, is to leave her in a state where she feels like an idiot for not having appreciated the reality of the situation. One way or the other. If you do choose the other lady in your life, do you really believe that your wife will not question when this relationship initially started? Don't add insult to injury by making her feel stupid. She isn't stupid, she did nothing wrong here Stuck. You at least owe her that honesty. She'll initially be angry, but you'll at least have salvaged some respect and integrity for yourself. Any other way and you're just a *schmuck* and then she'll feel stupid for having trusted you in the first place - even more damaging because it leaves no room for forgiveness....

I hope my post isn't too harsh Stuck - but you asked for the truth and I'm giving it to you.

Adding one more part to my story Stuck: Once I left my fiancee, the other woman left him shortly thereafter...But he was too embarrassed to contact me then. He waited 5 months before contacting me. And he wasn't wrong. Given the circumstances of his dishonesty, I probably wouldn't have taken back in any event...When you talk about "ending the marriage and moving on with this other relationship" you speak of it as a consolation prize. I doubt that this other lady ever deserves to feel like a consolation prize.

Now - take some time and really think hard about what it is you want for yourself. Who do you love, really? Who's your partner? And please, don't answer 'both'...You have to choose. And when you've made your choice, be prepared to do whatever it takes and face whatever outcome. There is no guarantee that either of these women will stay in your life. But now that you've put yourself in this mess, you have to accept these terms. You have to do the work, all of it, appreciating that at the end of the day, you may still be alone in all of it...That's part of the price that we pay sometimes Stuck. And again, it doesn't make you a bad person. Either way, the work will be hard with either of these women. And that is the consequence of infidelity...In my books at least...But at least this way, you will never consider yourself a 'coward' and you'll be able to face yourself knowing that even with the wrong choices you've made, you rectified it with integrity and honesty. At the end of all this, you will still need to be ok with yourself too...

 

[Yuray]

There is no need to tell your wife of your indiscretion. Nothing is gained, unless penitence on your part or being absolved of your guilt is an issue. If it is, tell a priest or therapist. There is no need to add humiliation to pain. Affairs are consistent with needs not being satisfied. Your actions are not to be condemned, for you are human, and subject to all that we all are, but the more noble calling is to (if you feel the need) leave your wife in a fashion where her feelings are not those of one who is replaced by another for deficiencies. She was worth loving at one time. Allow her to feel she was loved, and treat her as one who was loved. Telling her of your affair is self serving. Just leave as best you can. The time is over for choice. You have made it already.

You mention moving on. This new women now has an insight as to what you are capable of, and you know what she is capable of tolerating. Love will not conquer all, least of all indiscretions.

 

[Charity]

Yuray--

I respectfully disagree.

 

[HBas]

Hey Stuck,

I have been divorced now for almost 3 years. I went through the exact same thing as you. I was the one that cheated on my spouce - I was the one having the afair.

Everyone has a different oppinion but let me tell you now, straight forward, Leave the affair right here and admit what you have done to your spouse and work through it with her if possible. If she wants a divorce, which I doubt she will if you pull yourself togehter, then you move forward!

I have left my husband after I have admitted to my affair. He begged me not to but I was so blined by the new 'Perfect' relationship that I gave my marriage up. I am in Thereapy over that and many other things and hate myself for hurting my ex husband. He was a great man, he loved me but we had gotten so used to one another that we were blocking out the exitement.

Believe me, the exitement is still there - if you choose it. I chose the 'other guy' and am living with the consequences. I moved in with the new guy in Jan and am finding out that he is totally different than I believed him to be. I am stuck in a relationship, my son started to accept and love this guy and now he is showing signs of 'strange behavour' that makes my warning sirens flash all over the place. He is not the guy that I thought he was. I cry every day because I hurt someone for my own selfishness and am struggling to get over the fact that I don't deserve to be treated badly because "I asked for it"

My life is a mess. I have to deal with what I have done and accept that my ex husband has found someone else and is happy now. I have to take care of my little son's emotions and show support towards his relationship with his father and his new step mom. I have to defend myself in a relationship which I cannot quite understand and deal with so so very much!

Please, I know. If there is no abuse involved then divorce is never worth it. There are so many ways to get the excitement back ... Every body is different and you have to work very very hard at a relationship to keep the spark. You will eventually loose it with the new girl and what then. There are no magic potions - That is why I am struggling to get my head around leaving the new guy. What a mess.

You still have respect for your wife - your post shows that. Take her and communicate and focus on her. Find ways to impress her in stead of some other woman - see how things change. The other woman has got your attention and that is draining your relationship. Believe me.

Also, invest in a book called "5 languages of love" by author Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages) and learn how to keep your partner happy. There is no better person for you out there.

PS* I wish someone had said this to me a few years back.

My thoughts are with you.
HB

 

[Jazzey]

I'm sorry that you went through all of that HBas...Sincerely. :hug:

Stuck, I'm in no way admonishing you for what has happened and nor do I admonish HBas for that matter. What I am saying is this: You said yourself that you're feeling guilty about all of this. You said that for months now, you've been trying to deal with all of it.

I'm simply saying that at some point, if your wife doesn't already suspect it, she will inevitably find out. So that you can be ok with yourself, I personally think that you have to be honest about this situation. It'll also provide you with an avenue on what you need to do now.

This isn't about any form of penitence or anything like this. And personally, I don't like the word 'indiscretion'. It minimizes the effect that affairs have on relationships - on both people. When I hear the word 'indiscretion' I'm thrown back into the 1960s where the dynamics in relationships was quite different than it is today.

Again, Stuck if my post can be read in a way that is in any way admonishing you, I apologize. From what you'd posted, I thought that you wanted to resolve this for yourself. That's where I was coming from. And I stand behind what I've said. One way or another, your wife will figure it out. Her forgiveness for this can't be had unless you tell her the truth and I had understood that you may still want to fix the marriage...Maybe I misread?

I could forgive the affair Stuck, it's the lies I never forgave...

 

[HBas]

Hey,

Thanks Jazzey, I hope stuck can understand as well what you mean as I do.

You see stuck, the emotional damage that you are doing onto yourself is Huge not even speaking about your partner! You may not see it now cause you are to focused on other stuff but you are going to feel it sooner or later.

The pain is already there, You have to choose your root to healing. Each situation is truly unique so never think that we are giving you advise that will work for your situation - just giving you more views from different angles.

Only the best for you.

 

[white page]

Hi Stuck ,
Part of being human is that we evolve constantly, as we mature our needs change, part of being human is the capacity to be attracted to several different people at the same time, part of being human is the capacity to make choices.
I do not envy your position at all at the moment, ambivelence is one of the hardest things to cope with, I agree with Yuray , to add humiliation to pain makes this type of situation so cruel.
Why is it so great to be with this new lady? is it because it is secret, because she devotes her full attention to you, whereas your wife's attention is divided between your children and yourself? I am not judging you.

You need to ask yourself all those questions. Have you worked on helping to keep the excitement alive with your wife? Have you both communicated about your individual needs within your relationship.

Heck I have seen so many situations similar to Hbas, passion and excitement lasts for about two years, then we have to work on it, children are a life long responsibility, if you and your wife were seriously tearing each other apart, then I would understand the need to move on, can you and your girlfriend live with the guilt of causing such pain to your wife and your children?

Because this is a factor to be considered, if you leave ,unless your wife is a total selfless saint, there will be a phase when she will have great difficulty in accepting that you and your girlfriend care for your kids during the holidays, because of the inevitable feeling of betrayal.

You say you love your wife, loving her means respecting her, either tell her as soon as possible and allow her to make a choice, because her choice is just as important, or break with your girlfriend and work through this with your wife by being honest.

It is not infidelity which is destructive it is all the deciet and feeling of betrayal and humiliation which is.

You are not being kind to anyone by your ambivelence, not yourself, your wife, your children or your girl friend.

Make a choice Stuck, in any case there is going to be hurt. I know how harsh all this sounds, but this is the reality of the situation.

And if you feel that you need the excitement of your new relationship, don't forget that you felt that about your wife at one time, is this going to happen
each time the excitement wears off? We all know guys and ladies who change partners every few years , leaving broken hearts and children behind
them in the wake of their quest for "perfect" love. I'm not saying you are a guy like that.

Just look deep inside yourself and ask yourself all those questions.
Take care Stuck I understand how very difficult this is for you.

 

[Jackie]

Re: Myths of Infidelity

You at least owe her that honesty.

Whatever happens you do need to tell your wife about the affair, that is the decent thing to do, it will hurt her like anything but I know she will proberly respect you more in the end for being honest than for just deceiving her.

Yuray I disagree with you, if needs are not being satisfied then that too needs to brought into the open and talked about. Yes, we are all human and affairs do happen for many reasons but if they do don't ever lie about them, best out in the open for everyone. Just my opinion.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't know enough about relationships to comment myself, but I did find this:

There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you're having an affair and you haven't practiced safe sex, even if it's only one time, you have to tell. Again, the moral principle is minimizing the hurt. But this time, the greatest risk of hurt comes from inflicting a sexually transmitted disease, and I've never seen a relationship recover from that. You also have to tell if discovery is imminent or likely. If you're going to be found out, then it's better for you to be the one to make the confession first.

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME.com

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, I guess.

But, if you go back and don't disclose the affair, you are in an important sense going to be living a lie. How good is your relationship going to be with that lie of omission in the background?

 

[Retired]

How good is your relationship going to be with that lie of omission in the background?

That would be the way I see it as well. Honesty and full disclosure should be at the basis for a respectful relationship.

As Yuray alludes, based on the information Stuck has provided:

Just leave as best you can. The time is over for choice. You have made it already.

It's unfair to all concerned to continue with one foot in each house.

Perhaps one temporary option is for Stuck to move out of the home of his wife, live alone and ponder his future which might include couples therapy with his wife with the intention of saving the marriage, or file for divorce and move in with the other woman.

Otherwise I see Stuck jeopardizing his credibility with the other woman if he decides his future is with her, and insults his wife if he remains in her home while maintaining an an extra amrital relationship.

I believe in a situation like this, one has to figure out how to maintain one's own personal integrity.

 

[Stuck]

Thank you everyone for your opinions, advice, for sharing your experiences and mostly for your support. I really do appreciate it and it has helped considerably although there seems to be two trains of thought when it comes to exposing the affair or not. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, if I confess, I will surely lose my wife, without question - hence that is not an option right now. Although I would so love to clear my consciense.

Regardless, I neglected to mention one piece of information. My wife forced me to go to couples counciling with her and the affair came up, which I denied, but more importantly the councelor said that after hearing us both, he thinks that I have one leg out the door in this marriage and am not sure whether I want to fix it and therefore he gave me 2 weeks at which time we are to go back to him and I am to decide whether I want to put effort into saving the marriage or whether I need to discover myself first.

So I am finaly at the inevitable fork in the road. So what I really want to know before making my decision is whether we can actually fix this marriage. And therefore I have asked my wife if she would be willing to put aside all the hurt and damage that has been caused over the last 6 months and start from scratch, full throttle, I will do my best to be loving, affectionate, fun, etc..... if she will do the same; so I can believe that there is hope for us still, that the damage is fixable.

Unfortunately she refused and said, "What you’re asking me is to pretend that you want to be with me when in reality you’re still assessing if you want to be with me – or worse, trying to confirm what you already have decided. I’m not sure why you don’t see that nobody could possibly feel genuine under these circumstances. You still have your leg out the door."

I see her point and therefore I was wondering whether anyone had any other exercises that I could do with her or without her to help me make my decision.

 

[Retired]

My wife forced me to go to couples counciling with her and the affair came up

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, if I confess, I will surely lose my wife, without question

So does your wife know about this affair or not....I read these two statements as contradictory.

Being forced into couples therapy does not seem like like the most positive motivation on your part. What was the outcome of that experience?