Memory gaps

[Murray]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this. This week my therapist wants to try EMDR again. He wants me to try to process a certain event that I guess I haven't really dealt with up til now. The problem is that I just can't recall much about that time. I remember stuff before and stuff after, but there is a big black hole in my memory for the actual event. When I try to think of it, there is just blackness and nothing else. This isn't really unusual for me as I have big gaps for most of my childhood and adolescence as well. It is just frustrating to have these huge blanks, especially when the things that I seem to forget are pretty important, not mundane things. I am just wondering if there are any techniques to fill in those gaps. For the purposes of the EMDR I suppose I could focus on how I felt afterwards, which I do remember, rather than the actual moment in time, but I don't now if that will work. I feel so defective. It is just so aggravating to feel like I am missing so much of my personal history.

I am sorry, I know that this post doesn't make much sense at all. I am not even sure what I am trying to say right now, just rambling I guess.

 

[forgetmenot]

It does make sense Murray and it is hard because the gaps of memory are there to protect us i think. I still have alot of these gaps but sometimes out of the blue some memory comes back and i don't know what really triggered it to do so. I think your idea is good to maybe just go with what your emotions were around that period and see where it leads you. Hopefully your therapist will be able to guide you through the process of all of this. I think maybe in time some memories will come but maybe not all memories are mean't to be remembered take care and thanks i can relate

 

[Domo]

maybe not all memories are mean't to be remembered

What makes you say this Violet?

Murray, this event, do you recall how long it lasted?

 

[Murray]

I agree Violet that I probably don't really want to remember certain things. Sometimes things do come back to me out of the blue too. At times it will be a smell, a song or some other random thing that will bring back a memory, but sometimes they just seem to wash over me for no reason that I am aware of.

I am just a bit paranoid I guess, feeling a sort of performance anxiety, if that makes any sense. I feel like I should be able to remember things and it is frustrating and embarrassing that I can't. I know that my therapist will understand, but I just feel like I am failing because I can't fill in the blanks in my own memory or even answer simple questions about my past sometimes.

Oh well.

Domo, the event didn't last for very long. So, I am not missing much in this case, just a small period of time. I just remember the time before it and crying afterward, but nothing in between.

 

[Domo]

Sure there are things we don't want to remember but i think if you do it will help you understand why/who you are and in turn, help you work on your issues. Does that make sense? My brain isn't working too well today.

 

[Murray]

I do think that makes sense Domo. I don't consciously try not to remember things, they just seem to vanish from my recollections. Maybe that is normal, I don't know. I think maybe you have to be in a place where you are ready to finally deal with the memories, I guess. For me, I am pretty sure that most of them are gone for good, but maybe I am wrong. Sorry that I am not making any sense my thinking seems to be kind of chaotic tonight.

maybe I need some chocolate or sleep

 

[Domo]

I didn't mean to imply that you were not remembering on purpose. It's just a defence mechanism.

I to have 'Black spots' in my memory so i know what you are saying.

Just try and go with the flow for now and trust your therapist as best you can.

You are making perfect sense but hot chocolate and sleep sound good anyway

 

[forgetmenot]

I understand the frustration of not remembering, not being able to answer certain questions. It is like why can't i recall anything why is this not coming I think the therapist understands this and like you say maybe the blanks will never be filled in and ive come to the conclusion i am alright with that. I don't want to remember anymore if the memories come so be it if they don't good because obiviously they are not good ones.

 

[Murray]

I agree Violet. Some of the things that I know that I have forgotten I am sure I don't want to remember. I am sure that my therapist does understand, I just end up feeling so stupid and like there is something wrong with me because I can't answer simple questions about my history. Part of what is frustrating to me is that lately I have been realizing just how much I have forgotten. As I have been trying to deal with things in therapy it has been kind of frustrating to come up against these blanks. I guess I am just hoping that I will be able to get past whatever crap I need to get past, even if I can't recall it. Sorry, that probably didn't make any sense. It's just that if I can't actually recall the reason behind some of my reactions, can I ever deal with them? For example, I know that I was sexually abused for several years, but only recall one instant, everything else is blank. I know it happened, but have no real memories of it, except for one. Can I still work through my hypervigalence, my negative feelings about myself, my occasional flashbacks, etc? Maybe it doesn't matter and I will just get better by working on other things in therapy, I don't know.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think definetly yes you can get better without recalling everything. The fact is you know there was trauma and your doctor will work on that aspect of it. Coginitive behavior therapy to help change distorted thinking the low self esteem and other treatments to help us move forward without having to dwell on the actual incidents. Therapy will work I am getting stronger i think and now i am on medication hopefully i can be more receptive to the therapy itself. take care try not to get to frustrated but i know it is hard your doctor understands.