Miss my sister

[Eunoia]

...I usually put so much emphasis on the actual death date. I am trying to remember that it is just a calendar date and I can remember her or visit her any time I want

this is something my mom always used to point out; that you can grieve loosing someone whenever and wherever you are. just like you can believe in religion "X" whenever and wherever you are, and not just Sunday mornings in a church (I'm not religious, but I think this is a big concept to understand). she for example isn't physically able to go to the graves of people she has lost in her life (moved) but this doesnt' mean she can't grieve their loss or remember them in some way... something like a flower or a sunny day or a certain meal might trigger her to make the connection,.... I don't know if this makes sense. but it's nice to see that you can remember someone without sadness all the time and that you can do so whenever you feel the need to.

I have a horrible time w/ death dates of people who I have lost in my life too, none of them like your loss I would imagine, but my point is when those dates come around, I almost feel obligated in some weird way to be sad that day and expect this tragedy to happen (as you said)... but if I think about it, that doesn't make any sense. it won't bring them back to life if I choose to be miserable that day. If I am miserable then that's one thing but expecting to be so is almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy... I think it's okay to be "okay" on that date. you know you love your sister and you know you miss her. you don't need some kind of technical thing (date, time, calendar etc.) to know this. just like she's always with you wherever you go and always a part of you no matter what.

 

[healthbound]

Hey Eunoia - thanks.

Another weird spin on my perceptions about her death date -

I've noticed that after her death date, I was very relieved for a few days (relieved that the whole thing didn't happen over again) followed by feeling very disconnected. Interestingly, I also had 2 nightmares about her last week, but felt like I wasn't "supposed" to have them because the date had passed.

My perception about the calendar date being so important also means that I'm only "supposed" to have nightmares before December 9th and I'm "allowed" to feel anything about her death before or on the date.

I noticed that when I felt sad after the date, I was surprised and told myself that I wasn't allowed to think about her anymore because the date had passed.

Hm. Maybe that's why I've been so dissociated lately. I'm still feeling everything I felt before the 9th, but I'm not "allowing" myself to feel it.

Geeze. I really do have a large gap between my thoughts and emotions.

I did a painting that I called "Thinking Meets Feeling" a while ago that was about me amalgamating those parts of me. Maybe it's not so much that they meet each other but more that I simply allow them to BE! lol.

 

[comfortzone]

Healthbound,

I would love to see your painting. I am sure it is good! Over-analyzing can be used as a way to problem solve. If you have a desk or closet that needs sorting...it might be a good time to do so...it can help you sort things out in your head as you sort the physical things in your closet or desk. I am glad to read your posts as I was just wondering about you. Best wishes,

 

[healthbound]

Hey Comfortzone!

As a matter of fact, I DO have a closet that needs sorting!!! Hahaha. Great advice and I think I will make time to do that tomorrow.

On another note, I've been walking everyday!! This is something I've been trying to incorporate back into my life for over a year now. I'm only walking a very short distance, but I'm out there doin' it! I'm so ready and so glad that I'm finally getting back into exercise. And I mention it because running used to help balance me out a bit by giving my head a break and focusing on something physical for a while.

Thanks for the simple, but great advice!

 

[comfortzone]

You are so welcome Healthbound! Walking is such a good thing for us all! I would walk outside here but it has been so cold! It is supposed to warm up next week! Let's hope so for my walking sake. Take care.

 

[Eunoia]

that's a lot of "supposed to's" and rules about how to feel, and when to feel, and justifying those feelings or lack thereof. Sounds exhausting but it makes so much sense when you're in the middle of all of that. Just remember that in the end your way of doing things is what works for you, there isn't one best way you have to follow w/ this. do what feels right, not what you think you should or should not do. it's so good that you've found things to do that work for you... painting and exercise are great ways (along w/ talking, lol!) to get in touch with your emotions and just get a break from overanalyzing things... do you ever display your paintings? if you wanted to, unless you want your alone time, you could go for walks with a friend to make it more of a habit and just enjoy some down time....