Missing a father's love

[Cat Dancer]

I feel like I'm grieving for something I never had and can't have and that's my father's love. There's a big hole in my heart that just can't be filled. How do I get over this?

 

[Into The Light]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

i think it's going to take time to work through your grief. it is definitely a very sad thing. let yourself be sad and cry. honour your feelings. do what you think will help you.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I'm not sure it makes sense to call it grief? How can you grieve something you never had?

 

[Into The Light]

you are grieving for something you should have had, something any person should have. this is definitely grief. you are mourning something you never had, but that should have been a part of your life.

it's like when you have a dream and that dream for one reason or another becomes impossible. it is something you never had, but still needs to be grieved. it is still a significant loss in your life.

 

[Cat Dancer]

That makes sense.

I just wonder if I'm being unrealistic and maybe no one really gets their father's love? If that makes any sense?

 

[Into The Light]

you're not being unrealistic. many people do get their father's love. i can think of many examples.

 

[Into The Light]

how are you holding out, janet?

 

[Auburn]

Dearest Janet

I can understand and relate to your feelings far too well. It has been two years now since my Dad passed, and to this day, I still feel like I was never enough for him. I had to take care of him for the last 8 months of his life. And even though I think I have forgiven him for all the abuse, I am still so sad for the love we never shared. He only said he loved me when he was loaded, until the end. And then I don't think I really believed him. So, this is what I did. I tried to find, and I did, one instance when he did show genuine love. I hold onto to that, and even though he was a terrible father, I tell myself that deep down, he did the best he could, and that he loved me. I am sure he did, but I do know how it feels when it isn't shown. The one instance of genuine love....he was in the hospital and it was one day before he passed away. How sad is that?
It does get easier, as much as that just sounds like a line. And holding onto the one small demonstration has helped.
I hope your pain eases hun. I am thinking of you and sending all my love to you.

 

[braveheart]

I too can understand.
My father was unable to express or show love to me when I was growing up.
I too have an immense grief because of that.
To heal it seems to involve feeling the pain to the depth of my heart.

 

[Cat Dancer]

how are you holding out, janet?

There just aren't any words for the pain.

So, this is what I did. I tried to find, and I did, one instance when he did show genuine love. I hold onto to that, and even though he was a terrible father, I tell myself that deep down, he did the best he could, and that he loved me.

I want to believe my father did the best he could. He just hurt me so much.

It does get easier, as much as that just sounds like a line. And holding onto the one small demonstration has helped.
I hope your pain eases hun. I am thinking of you and sending all my love to you.

Thank you for that. :hug:

I too can understand.
My father was unable to express or show love to me when I was growing up.
I too have an immense grief because of that.
To heal it seems to involve feeling the pain to the depth of my heart.

It's really hard isn't it? I feel so much pain and helplessness at the same time. There's nothing I can do to change any of the past or change my father's attitude toward me now. It just hurts so much. I feel like how could anyone ever care about me or love me if my own father couldn't?

 

[sister-ray]

janet i too understand, when my mom died in 1968 my father could have loved me, taken care of me, he had a daughter who needed him so much, but he did the opposite, turned his back on me, and was abusive he showed no love just hate, i cant offer any advice as its something i still have unresolved issues with, just wanted to let you know I understand sending you some hugs too:hug::hug:

 

[Halo]

Janet I just wanted to offer you some hugs as I think that by posting here and talking to your therapist you are making some good progress :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Thanks, tte and Halo for the hugs. :hug: :hug:

 

[Halo]

Anytime you need them Janet :hug: :friends:

 

[Into The Light]

many hugs, janet :hug: :hug: