Hello all, I posted a couple of years ago about some problems and depression I was having. For the most part things have stayed the same but I have not given up hope yet.
I have chosen to talk about my Dad today mainly because he crosses my mind a lot. I live with my Dad now after failing out of college. I still take college courses at my local community college but I have a hard time passing them. I have seriously mixed feelings on the matter because for one, he took me in when I failed out of school. He has spent lots of money helping me go to a psychologist, paying for medical expenses, and loaning me money now and then. On the other hand, I have grown to learn that he is not the hero I thought he was growing up (I did not live with him.) First, he is a textbook case alcoholic. He is retired and he spends most of his time at the bar. I'm not sure if it is the alcohol or the escape of his problems that lures him into the bar but he does indeed spend most of his time there. He lies about how much time he spends down at the bar and he comes home drunk at least a couple times a week. He blames me for his drinking. On top of that, he is a very negative person most of the time. He talks about the negative side of people about 90% of the time. He always criticizes everyone around him but the fact is that he is the saddest individual I have ever known. I cry a lot because of the fact that someone can be such a failure.
Overall I have recently realized that he has lived his whole life and accomplished almost nothing. It really makes me depressed to think that a person can live such a sad life. I get so incredibly angry with his hypocrisy and yet at the same time I feel like if I said to him what I and he know he is that he would be absolutely crushed. I feel sorry for him but also angry at him at the same time. My sister and I have spent a long time trying to get him to quit drinking and to spend more time doing productive things but I have given up. I guess right now I am struggling with the fact that my Dad is going to die an unredeemed failure. The frosting on the cake is that he is controlling, hateful, hypocritical, and in denial of everything he has ever lived for. I just cannot come to terms with a lot of things and I feel like these unresolved feelings are holding me back. I plan on moving out in a couple of months and I contemplate writing a big letter about all of my concerns/problems are with him.
I have chosen to talk about my Dad today mainly because he crosses my mind a lot. I live with my Dad now after failing out of college. I still take college courses at my local community college but I have a hard time passing them. I have seriously mixed feelings on the matter because for one, he took me in when I failed out of school. He has spent lots of money helping me go to a psychologist, paying for medical expenses, and loaning me money now and then. On the other hand, I have grown to learn that he is not the hero I thought he was growing up (I did not live with him.) First, he is a textbook case alcoholic. He is retired and he spends most of his time at the bar. I'm not sure if it is the alcohol or the escape of his problems that lures him into the bar but he does indeed spend most of his time there. He lies about how much time he spends down at the bar and he comes home drunk at least a couple times a week. He blames me for his drinking. On top of that, he is a very negative person most of the time. He talks about the negative side of people about 90% of the time. He always criticizes everyone around him but the fact is that he is the saddest individual I have ever known. I cry a lot because of the fact that someone can be such a failure.
Overall I have recently realized that he has lived his whole life and accomplished almost nothing. It really makes me depressed to think that a person can live such a sad life. I get so incredibly angry with his hypocrisy and yet at the same time I feel like if I said to him what I and he know he is that he would be absolutely crushed. I feel sorry for him but also angry at him at the same time. My sister and I have spent a long time trying to get him to quit drinking and to spend more time doing productive things but I have given up. I guess right now I am struggling with the fact that my Dad is going to die an unredeemed failure. The frosting on the cake is that he is controlling, hateful, hypocritical, and in denial of everything he has ever lived for. I just cannot come to terms with a lot of things and I feel like these unresolved feelings are holding me back. I plan on moving out in a couple of months and I contemplate writing a big letter about all of my concerns/problems are with him.
