Ten years ago I was diagnosed with depression. It took me five years to realize the importance of taking my medication regularly. I have made many mistakes in my life due to sexual abuse and child abuse. Please understand that I have taken responsibility for all of my mistakes and am not trying to use my childhood as an excuse for remaining in a rut, but unfortanately I still have issues to deal with. The main issue is fear. I especially have a fear of facing financial situations. I feel good if I am paying everything on time, but as soon as I am unable to pay one bill, I stop paying all of my bills. Then I ignore the phone, do not listen to my voice mails and of course everything gets worse. I recently had my car repossessed and I know this is because of my fears. I do not blame anyone for this except myself. If I would have just spoke with the finance company I would still have my car. The lady at the finance company told me that I was foot-loose and fancy free. If only she knew. I wish that were the case. I am just a woman who is stuck inside of her fears and unable to deal with my finances as soon as I think I am going to fail. I think I am self-destructive. I try do things that will improve my life, such as attend school, work everyday and try to learn something new everyday, but I think maybe i do not feel I deserve a better life. I think maybe I am punishing myself. I don't know. I just don't know. I tried to call my county mntal health organization, but I've benn on the waiting list since May of 2004. I canot afford a regular therapist, so I guess starting Monday I will try and research to find an affordable therapist. I so need to get out of this disaster that I am in. I now have to tkae a cab to work and I do not know how I will get to school. This is extremely expensive and not helping me at all. I just wish I could crawl in a hole and just go away. I hope that someday I am able to get over these fears and stop hindering myself.