My mother is abusive towards me

[Michelle M]

l had lived on my own for 13 yrs and made my life and was happy. l had my Mom who is 85 yrs old come visit and things would go well. As a teen and young adulthood, we did not have a close relationship so l am stupid and figured things had changed for the better between us as she got older...That was a big mistake. l asked her to move here so she was not living alone..Bigger mistake! l went through 6 yrs of therapy and would speak up if my Mom got rude or dismissed what l was saying because she did not want to hear what l was saying. l had 2 friends l introduced her to and she would come out with comments to them about how badly l talked to her. My friends were quiet or would say that is your Mom, you should not be talking like that...l would ask her what was wrong with her to be talking like that to my friends..Well, my 2 friends are not really my friends anymore.

She lives in the same building as l do and everyday l would stop in and nervous about which mood she would be in.
She had called a friend of mine a few years ago and threatened him with the Police if l did not call her and l was actually right there at my friend's house when l heard the message and l called her back immediately and told her she was way out of line and could be charged with making a threat.

Well yesterday, she asked me for my Dr.s name and l said l did not know how to pronounce it and asked her why and she said my neighbour wanted to know...Later, l called her back and told her she better not start calling my Dr. making problems for me and she got mad. l called her back an hour later and apologized , reminding her about that call to my friend and l just did not want anymore problems.
So later , l went to the back to let my dog out back and knocked at her back door and the look of hate on her face was very apparent. l told her l just did not want any problems with anyone and then she said l was always combative, looking for a fight or telling her about the people l hate and l stared at her and said that was not true at all and she then told me to F*** Off and l said "l am not going to sit here with you telling me that" and l was very upset and got up to leave and she said, "Wait, come and sign the birthday card for the neighbour whose birthday is today and l told her l was not signing anything and left.
Today she was sending me joke emails like nothing happened, l am not sure why but l am not going up to her place because l can't stand the sight of her. l am so angry at myself for thinking she had changed and now l am stuck with her living here and dreading when l have to see her.
l have decided to just live my life like l used to, walking everywhere because l wish she had moved with her favorite daughter in BC. She was already at the neighbours upstairs and last night l was up until near 5 am because no pills worked for me and today, l just feel sick inside. l just cannot believe what is going on with the life l had before compared to now. l stay inside because l don't want to see or talk to anyone because my Mother plays the Victim card all the time and now l wish l was anywhere but here.

 

[Daniel E.]

l am so angry at myself for thinking she had changed and now l am stuck with her living here and dreading when l have to see her.

I learned when doing caregiving for non-family members that the most important thing usually is not taking the behavior personally and seeing what the underlying issues may be. Behavior is a form of communication, etc. This is harder to do with my significant other who has bipolar disorder since I find it harder to "redirect" him instead of reacting personally. But it's a matter of practice. And there are lots of opportunities it seems just as he has with me

 

[Daniel E.]

For example:

Caregiver's Guide to Understanding Dementia Behaviors | Family Caregiver Alliance

That is about dementia but applies more generally:

When the going gets tough, distract and redirect. If your loved one becomes upset or agitated, try changing the subject or the environment. For example, ask him for help or suggest going for a walk. It is important to connect with the person on a feeling level, before you redirect. You might say, “I see you’re feeling sad—I’m sorry you’re upset. Let’s go get something to eat.”

 

[Daniel E.]

Handling Verbal Abuse from Elderly Parents: Responsive Behavior

 

[Daniel E.]

The most important point there, such as if dementia is a possible issue:

Talk to your senior’s physician about the responsive behaviour. Your doctor will help rule out some of these biological triggers...

Take care of your own emotional needs and seek the help of your doctor, family members, community support groups, counsellor or dementia support worker...

If you are caring for a senior with dementia who has negative outbursts the most important thing is to remember to seek help.

You don’t have to (nor should you) deal with this extremely stressful and distressing situation on your own..

Handling Verbal Abuse from Elderly Parents: Responsive Behavior