My mum doesn't love me

[moomoo]

I know it might seem like an extreme statement and your reaction will be not to believe me... but.

I think it's pretty close to true.

My mum was always extremely neglectful. We didn't have shoes - or enough clothes in general. We were really really skinny and we just never got enough food.

As we grew my brother developed mental health problems and became extremely violent. (even towards mum) but I bore the brunt.

My elder sister moved out at the first signs of violence - she was only 16.

5 years later after suffering so much violence and torment I left home too - at 17.

My brother attempted suicide a year before I left. Mum did nothing to get him help.
Mum did nothing to protect me from my brother - she blamed me for the violence. That was like even more abuse.

It took my brother many years to finally get some professional mental help - he now takes prescription drugs, he has been diagnosed with a few things including Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Bi-Polar.

Mum was never violent herself towards us but her neglect of us allowed us to suffer violence and abuse from others.

My brother was also sexually molested by a neighbour for many years - mum, again, did nothing when she found out.

I still talk to mum, she became a psychologist when we were still kids - she graduated Uni and started working the year before I left home.

She provides us (my husband and myself) with free counselling. It's pretty much all she's good for. There is no way to get her to take any interest in our lives.

She is not interested.

She has 6 grandchildren now, she has seen 4 of them. None of the kids even know who she is.

She is not interested.

I have been married twice. Both of my husbands noticed her lack of interest in me. They both have said "Your mum doesn't love you"

Yes it's a mean thing to say - but it's just simply the truth.

It was my birthday yesterday - but i didn't hear from mum.

It still hurts even after all these years.

She began the 'birthday' business when I was a teenager by never having a gift for me on my birthday - she would say "I just didn't have time to get to the shop"

But I would whinge and complain and she would eventually get me something.

But it was all downhill from there. Now I don't even get an email.

I call her on Mother's day and I call her for her birthday...

Sigh.

What do you guys think???

 

[white page]

Re: My mum doesn't love me.

Hi Moomoo,

I know it might seem like an extreme statement and your reaction will be not to believe me... but.

I do believe you, just because a woman can physically become a mother doesn't mean to say she can emotionally assume motherhood, I am not excusing her behaviour, I would just like to say that her incapcity to be a nurturer and carer may stem from her own lack of a role model. You don't mention the role of your father in your distressing childhood. Was he absent?
Have you told your mother of how innapropriate your childhood was and how you feel about it?

She provides us (my husband and myself) with free counselling. It's pretty much all she's good for. There is no way to get her to take any interest in our lives.

This is not a good idea at all seen from the outside, How can some one counsel you when they are responsible for the emotional damage and neglect?. I am sorry to be so blunt.

There are times when we have to come to terms with certain truths. All we wanted when we were vulnerable loving children was to be loved , cherished and protected. Through no fault of our own we did not recieve those fundemental attentions, and we may never recieve them from the person who gave us our lives, However we can and do recieve those attentions from other adults , surrogate parents we have chosen, it can be an aunt , a friend or a neighbour, people who are interested in us and our lives.

May be it is time Moomoo to distance yourself from a mother who shows no interest in her children. Have you considered therapy for yourself in order to help you come to terms with this lack of interest from your mother ? I know how very, very hard it is to come to terms with this, it is hurtful and distressing and often we feel that it is in some way our fault, that we ourselves were not interesting enough to be cared for and about. But it is not your fault
your mother has problems and is incapable of mothering and loving her children, let alone protecting them.

take care wp

P.S. may I suggest you take a look at the article on narcissistic mothers.http://forum.psychlinks.ca/other-pe...ng-over-a-narcissistic-mother.html#post135457

 

[Jazzey]

Re: My mum doesn't love me.

I agree with everything WP has suggested Moomoo. And I'm adding another link that I think may also be helpful:
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-friends-and-colleagues/18090-how-to-divorce-your-parents.html

 

[Trust]

Re: My mum doesn't love me.

:hug:Hi Moomoo!

I do believe you feel unloved by your mum and I understand how hurt you are feeling for even having to think such a thing about the person you should be able to count on and trust as your birthright. It is not fair. I am glad you came here for support and understanding.

I hope you can find some way to accept that whatever motivates your mum's cruel behaviours, you don't need to feel in any way responsible for having caused them nor is it your responsibility to try to fix them. You did nothing as a child to deserve to be neglected. Feeling ignored is very painful and especially hard to fathom when one is neglected in such a harmful manner by the mum you naturally feel you should have been able to trust to protect and nurture you! How you describe your childhood experience and that of your siblings, makes me feel sad for you - how lonely and helpless you must have all felt and I'm sure sometimes you still feel like the little one inside that never got the care and attention you needed and deserved and wished for.

I left home very young as well - good for you for making your escape in the interest of self-preservation. I obviously don't recommend that children leave home so young and ill-prepared for the world, but I do understand that many feel as if there is no better choice. No child should have to witness or tolerate violence, neglect, abuse, or poverty and we cannot re-write our histories to accommodate our vision of ideal, yet we can write newer, kinder chapters to add to our life stories as we continue to learn from our experiences and we grow stronger and healthier as we do just that.

I'm happy to know that your brother got help! I agree with with WP - your mum is not the person you should invite to counsel you on any issue at all! You may be feeling that by particpating in counselling sessions with her that at least you have some of her attention, but as a trained psychologist, she should know better than to even think about treating a family member. And - I don't say this to be hurtful - but I find it very difficult to imagine that your mum can help others at all in a personal or a professional capacity - unless and until she has a real understanding and insight about herself and a willingness to change her behaviours and attitudes towards her own children. Does she seem to accept any responsibility for what has happened to you all in the past?

I agree with Jazzey and WP and suggest you may want to check out this thread as well: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/other-pe...-characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html - I hope the link works. I have no idea if your mum is narcissistic, but there are degrees of the personality disorder and you may find some of the insights about this disorder helpful.

Please focus on healing you - for you and your own family - and don't get trapped in trying to create for yourself a mother that may not exist and whom is incapable of re-creating herself in a kinder model for you or your sibling's sakes, let alone her own. If you find that you need to accept that there are limitations in your relationship with your mum, then re-focus on yourself - the only person you can change and improve upon - then you will find one day and perhaps sooner than you may in this moment imagine - you will find that you can feel peace and happiness and you can make a happier future and you will realize that you can evolve from a difficult past. Hope is on the horizon waiting to show you that you are much much more as a person than the experience with your mum has taught you. Now it's time to learn a brand new lesson and it's about how you and your loved ones can make a better life for yourselves.

Your mum doesn't have any power over you as an adult, today the power is all in your hands and your heart! And you have survived a lot of pain and rejection and sorrow - so I know you have the beautiful and willing heart of a survivor - always feel proud of yourself and how far you have come!:2thumbs:

 

[moomoo]

Re: My mum doesn't love me.

Thanks guys

My dad was a sociopath. My mum ran from him when I was 4-5 years old.

I visited with him EOW for about 6 years until he lost interest. I am remarkably unfazed by this and have no issues with dad at all.

I've confronted mum about our childhoods, she can't handle it and refuses to take any responsibility for it at all. Yes, this hurts.

Mum is a very good and professional psychologist - very objective and emotionless.

We get counselling because we recently had a long custody battle with my husbands ex - there was nothing any psychologist could help us with anyway. Only the judge could make it better (and he hasn't yet which sucks)

We also saw another psychologist (that we paid for) and there was no joy there either.

My brother called mum recently and confronted her because his son doesn't even know her - she eventually hung up on him.

I know mum is not a narcissist - I honestly think she is Schizoid.

She has even admitted this is a real possibility.

Having a [suspected] Schizoid mother is extremely painful and difficult. No one can understand - it must be really rare.

I think it is rare for a Schizoid to marry and have kids.